WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

Ever have something happen and you just want to ask God, "What were you thinking?" I sometimes feel that God and I are on different pages in the book of my life.

This week I have had many items of interest in my life. I worked approximately 60 hrs; it was my last day at one of the parks-I had been subbing for one of the RSIIs; I had a friend call that I had not heard from nor seen since 1962 and we had lunch; and yesterday Tom and I would have been married 40 years. So many memories are lost within this "gray matter" I sometimes refer to as my brain, yet the emotions of all my life come flooding back at times.

Where I am today is "comfortable" and I feel "blessed" for my life. So why am I mulling over all my past memories?

I am considering changing jobs. It's not that I don't love my job-I do; and the people I work with, but I've done just about everything I can at this level. Either I go higher, as a Manager, or I switch departments.

I don't know about being a Manager. There are many perks "annnnd" many things not so "perky." Do I want to "gear up" to be a Manager? Would they even hire me as one? I don't know.

I have applied for a position as a recruiter for the "The College Program." That sounded interesting. With that, I would be traveling 18-24 weeks a year. Don't get me wrong, I like to travel. Could I travel THAT much? I don't know. Would Bob miss me? Probably not. He's very self sufficient and really doesn't need me much at all. Would I miss him? ABSOLUTELY. We'll see. I am always excited to find out "WHAT GOD WAS THINKING?"

And the winner is?

I guess the diagnosis I received was the best possible scenario - The Dr found 3 areas that are "seeping" blood, but not infected. He said they weren't ulcers, but he couldn't tell what caused the irritation. There was nothing in the colon, not even polyps. All in all, a pretty easy gig. He believes that with prilosec and zantac, that should be enough to help the healing. I'm a little sore today, but I'm glad I took the day off to rest a little more.

Bob stayed with me today. He is worn out. He works 7 days a week; it's too much. I don't know who needed the rest more, me or him. I had my first chocolate today that my hubby bought me. It's dark chocolate and Ghiadelli; mmmmm.

My sister calls me a brat. She might be right, but I'm having fun. I think she might be a "little" jealous, but that's okay. I guess she might have a right to be. All in all, I'm really enjoying this married stuff. And, it's all good.

"THE" Procedure

On Monday, I am having what I lovingly call "ROTO ROOTER." For anyone who has had an endoscopy and colonoscopy at the same time, you definitely know what I am talking about. Those of you who have not, can only imagine.

Bob suggested that they just do one procedure - using an instrument similar to a "bottle brush" and starting at the stop, just move the instrument downward; "Whew" enough said. I don't think that would work, but who knows, it might. My hubby is soooooooo creative. I think I'll leave it up to the dr though.

Speaking of Bob, this wonderful man today bought me 18 roses and some Ghiadelli chocolates. (Picture Included) Why? I don't know. He just did. I can't believe him. I know I don't deserve such lovely presents, but I really like receiving them. He makes me feel so special. I could never explain how much he means to me. It is overwhelming at times. And, "Just in case", as Esther Zissamopoulous used to say, "I fall off the end of the earth on Monday", or some such happening, I want to go on record as saying - I AM BLESSED; far more than I could ever deserve. God is so good; all the time! All the time; God is good. And that concept is even more overwhelming.

Every Event

It seems as if every major "holiday" or event turns out to be a gigantic production in my family, and Mother's Day was no exception.

"The guys" started about two weeks ago wanting to know - "where, when, how many, etc" that we wanted to go to for the event and it went down hill from there. We finally settled, on Sunday morning, for Outback at 1:00. That time was changed with the event of an accident on I-4 (whatever did we do without cell phones) and we finally met about 1:30.

Lunch went well - 3 of my 4 guys were there. Bret and the girls came over Sat night for a cook out as Sunday is a very hard time for him to do anything extra with all his duties at church. Julie was in Atlanta and due back some time yesterday. Happy, Happy all around, but no flowers.

I sound ungrateful, don't I? Well, maybe I am, but I can't remember a Mother's Day without flowers from at least one of my guys. In actuality, it isn't Bob's responsibility to get me flowers for Mother's Day, but I would have taken them from any one. Oh well. Life goes on. I'm not REALLY upset, and, there is always next year. I DID get an itune card and a CD and cards. I am blessed.

Surprised by Love

The amazing thing about life is that it is ever changing. Being in love and remarried is still very new to me.

This man, my new husband, just 2 days short of two months ago, is unbelievable. He has now seen me at my worst, or I hope this is it, and he has made it through. He waited on me hand and foot, "hovered", and when he went to the store to get crackers and ginger ale, he also brought me some lovely "shades of pink" roses. (Picture to the right) He even changed my windshield wipers for me today.

Why does he do this? I guess he really does love me. Wow!

Porcelain is better seen as a figurine

This week has been "interesting, if not enjoyable", as Tom would have said. Saturday I started with a headache and felt nauseated, and it progressed from there. Without the gory details, suffice to say that I have been desperately ill from what I surmise is a stomach flu. It has been a very long time since I have been this sick.

Today I am home with the immense headache it all started with but it is subsiding somewhat for I am able to keep crackers and ginger ale in my stomach, so far this morning. Why is that important in the scheme of things - it is only annoying; another crises averted. And, I am not a good patient, by the way. I prefer for people to leave me alone when I am sick and today, I am alone. Bob has gone back to work.

He took Sunday and Monday off, with the anticipation of us spending some time together. I don't know, it seems as if we are not supposed to be off at the same time, or is it my imagination? The last time he took off, we got into a humongous argument and hardly spoke all week end. (Something stupid, by the way) This time, I got desperately ill. Sounds like a pattern to me.

Now we are planning to be off for about a week and half in June - What then? I dare not think. I just assume it will be a wonderful time of rest and relaxation. Yes. It is true what my son Tom says, "I DO live in Fantasyland in the State of Confusion", and it works for me.

BLACK THURSDAY!!!!!!!

Today is one of the most devastating day of my young life. I can't believe it has finally happened. I have not received such chilling news since my hair dresser moved and left no forwarding address. (It's not true that he changed his vocation to race-car mechanic just rather than to work on my hair again)

My oldest natural son, Tom, just sent me an email and my world has come to a crashing halt - The Gilmore Girls last episode is May 15, FOREVER!!! Awwwwwww. I can't believe it. Where am I to go? What am I to do?

I don't think they understand - Where can I get my "Luke" fix? Where will Kim go to drool over "Logan?" Who will take care of Lorelei? Oh woe is me. I can't imagine where I will go from here.

Organic?

Do you know how hard it is to eat organic? Not to mention the cost? Man!

Since I am having some health issues, one suggestion was to go to organic foods and probiotics for the stomach. Well, I am here to tell you that it is very hard to try to eat all the food necessary during the day not to mention trying to get your lunch ready each morning. I think I must be basically lazy when it comes to prep work. It's just like doing the dishes; you just have to keep doing them over and over. (Boring)

Bob says that he expects me to eat the lawn next, but REALLY the organic food tastes better than the non-organic food. The tomatoes, especially, taste so much better than the regular ones in the store. They actually have a flavor and are so juicy; so are the apples and the veggies not to mention the meats.

Bob doesn't know it but he is eating organic too, that is except when he decides we need to go out to eat. I try to keep it as "free" as possible, but I don't know. Is it doing more damage going back and forth or not?

I can honestly say that I do enjoy fixing all the new foods and trying to cook so that every meal is appetizing and edible. I think I'll probably keep working at it. It really is worth while. Actually, my stomach is in better shape and I'm not quite as tired as I was, so maybe this organic stuff is really the way to go. I guess for now, I'll keep trying. Who knows, I might actually get use to it.

Where are my keys?

Do you know what you need to do when you haven't any way to drive your car? (Don't ask me how I know! ) You have to have your car towed to a dealership (approximately $50.00) they have to "rekey" your car; and THEY charge $100.00 for the privilege of doing so.

Yesterday I had to take Charles' car to work because I had to leave directly after work to pick him up at the airport. He was returning from Nashville and all his luggage won't fit in my car. I really didn't use my car yesterday, but when I went to get something out of my car yesterday evening, I couldn't find my key.

My new husband went into "taking care of the new wife" mode and started suggesting a list of all the things I would need to do, and he would take me to work this morning. He even got out the phone book and checked on which companies had 24 hr services. Bob wasn't going to get off until 7:00pm, and I get off at 4:30, so I called Charles to see if he could bring me home.

I searched high and low and could not find the key. It is very frustrating to me to do something this silly. Recently I have had a very hard time concentrating on some things. Is it age? Is it sensory overload? I don't know, but when something like this happens I find myself stopping almost in mid turn and lifting my heart to the Lord. This is very comforting to me. I love the song "Sometimes He calms the storm and some times He calms His child." I can relate to this.

I told Bob I would put off doing anything until I got home tonight. But, as we pulled into the "Employee Parking Lot" this morning, I knew that my key was there. I don't know how, but my inner voice said, "Go over to where you parked yesterday." That was where I found my key. Why does God take care of me? Because He told me He would take care of me and He always keeps His word. I am so thankful He is dependable.

Carson

Carson is dying. I know; we all are, but if you know anything about me at all, you know my love for him. I went to St Pete to see him yesterday. He is emaciated.

I fixed chicken and brown rice for him. This is probably the easiest thing for a sick dog to eat. I learned that when he was sick right after he moved to Florida many years ago. Thank God, he ate. I couldn't give him very much for he hadn't eaten very much in 3 weeks since his throat surgery. Tom said Carson ate some more before he went to bed, and so far, he has been able to tolerate it.

This first picture was taken several months ago. He weighed about 50 lbs.

The next two pictures are ones I took last night. I don't know how much he weighs now, but it is no where near what he did weigh. He looked so pitiful.

I held him. I petted him and told him how much I loved him.

I know he's getting old, aren't we all? But, I'm not ready for him to leave yet.

Does God care when we hurt? Definitely. Even when a pet is ill or dying? Absolutely!!!

God is still in control. And, as I have often quoted something I once read, "If I believe that God is in control of my life, then I must believe that I am exactly where He wants me to be."

Testing - 1 2

Bob asked me if I got the results of the test they did today. He also asked if they declared me "Normal?"

I have always believed that Normal is highly overrated. And, according to Patsy Clairmont, "Normal is just a setting on the dryer." So, even if I studied all night, I probably wouldn't get the diagnosis of "Normal" on most any test.

After 2 blood tests in 1 week, I just want to know - "What are they doing with all my blood?" I have my suspicions, but this is probably NOT the time or place. Suffice to say, it can't be pretty. But today's test was a bone density test and didn't take long, but just another "thing" to have done.

I am still tired, but I think we are going to try to go to the park today for lunch and the 5:00 performance of the group The Buckinghams. The Flower and Garden Show is now going on and they have Rock and Roll groups singing. Bob has wanted to go all week and he said he didn't want to go without me. (Isn't that sweet?)

For today, I am feeling okay. I'll let tomorrow take care of tomorrow.

Ode to Bob

What you mean to me:

You are my light even before the sunrise

You are my strength when I am weak

You are my vision when selfishness clouds my sight

You are my voice of reason when words get in the way

You bring new meaning to my life

You are my focus

Thank you for loving me.

Only A Month?

Well, I know time flies when you're having fun, but it's been a whole month since we got married, and YES, I did get flowers. They are white roses. Isn't he sweet?

I am so amazed by this man. He does so many things for me and really expects nothing in return.

I've been told it won't last and I've been told it's because we're newlyweds. I don't know. Only time will tell, but I have to hand it to him. He really knows how to make me feel loved.

I got the results of my blood work today. My red cells count is "extremely" low. No wonder I have been so tired. It hasn't been this low for several years, and usually, when the red count goes down, the white count goes up indicating an infection of some sort. Not so this time. I don't know what is going on, but I have to contact my Dr's office tomorrow. Oh well. Just another "thing."

Work is crazy right now. Being Spring Break really has so many people visiting the park, and most of the time that is good. But, it's really been hectic lately. A lot of people are visiting for their first time and as many times as I have been there, it is a foreign idea to me that there are people who have NEVER visited. Maybe I am becoming too complacent or too blase' about being able to come any time I want to visit. I don't think so, especially when I get there early and the fog is lifting and the castle suddenly appears. That to me is so totally "magical."

Busy times

It's been a while since I have entered any information into the blog, but I've been busy. Bob and I are trying to settle into our apartment and we both are still working. He works entirely too much, but we spend as much time as possible together, which are usually Sunday and Monday afternoon, which are traditionally my days off.

Bob went to work, as usual, about 3 am Sunday morning and about 4 am I got up to get a drink in the kitchen and there on the counter was the cutest Easter basket. Here's a picture of it. I have 1 stuffed bunny, 1 bear with bunny ears, 1 chocolate bunny (no ears now), and a little lamb with lots of chocolate candy. (I have almost overdosed on chocolate). I haven't had an Easter basket in many years. It was so sweet of him. (awwww)

We have decided to take a few days off together in about two weeks. It just happens to be the same week-end that a friend's daughter is getting married, so we will definitely have to do some quick foot work to get it in.

Work is certainly interesting lately. My manager, B, is changing parks and we are getting a new manager at MK. I don't know how this is going to play out, but we will see. MK is a very special place. My oldest son Tom, says I live in Fantasyland in the State of Confusion. And, believe it or not, it works for me.

Here is another picture of the latest flowers My Husband has given me. Wow. That sounds really neat, My Husband. I am not entirely use to this. It kind of takes me by surprise at times. And, when someone uses my married name, that is also different for me.

I love being married though, and not just because I get presents, although that is a real perk, but I like having someone to do things with and coming home to, not to mention just someone to talk with about all kinds of issues.

I asked Bob yesterday if he was happy. He said yes, why? (Good answer, Honey) I said I just wondered. He asked if I was happy. And, of course, I said yes. So, we are getting use to each other, likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams, and yes it is different, but for the most part, we are settling into a nice, even pattern for our lives.

God is good; all the time.

Third Anniversary

It's been three whole weeks since we got married. And, it is certainly interesting being a wife again.

This is picture of my flowers Bob brought home today. They are so lovely. In the background you can see part of our living room area. The flowers are on the kitchen counter.

I don't know. This guy is really trying to spoil me, and I like it. I have never had so many wonderful flowers in my whole life. He is definitely my kind of husband.

We are going for a drive in about 30 minutes. He says we need to go out for dinner to a nice restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. I know. This can get a little "mushy" if I let it, so moving right along, today is another beautiful day in Florida. "Chamber of Commerce weather, as I like to put it. It's the kind of day you just want to get in the mustang, put the top down, and take a long, leisurely ride. Hey! I think that is what we are going to do.

Marriage is Totally Neat

I really do like being married. Bob leaves every morning around 3 and kisses me good-bye. I wake up long enough to say "Have a good day, sweetheart" and then I fall back asleep until my alarm goes off at 6. Then I have to get up and get ready to go to WDW. On Friday, I need to be there at 6:45 am because I am "checking out" on my presentation for the Y.E.S. Program (Youth Education Series). I hope I do well. I have to have the first 18 presidents memorized, in order, and be able to pick them out in the H.O.P. display. (I'm working on it) That doesn't even include the other information that I need to know. It's only a 3 hr presentation, but a lot of information. I hope I do well.

When I get home, I usually try to fix Bob some dinner and he eats and goes back to bed. He is working about 12 hrs a day right now due to a project that needs to be finished. I hope this doesn't go on too much longer. He is really tired, and his blood pressure is elevated.

It doesn't sound too exciting, does it? Well, I guess it isn't except we're together in the same place every evening. He is so sweet. And, you know what, I love how he loves me. Little things are so important. He doesn't know how much I appreciate all the things he does. I am so blesssed. I think he feels that way too.

Two week anniversary

This is totally new to me; a man who actually spoils me. I've looked for him all my life, and I love it.

We celebrated our first week anniversary with flowers and dinner at a special restaurant in "O" town. This Sunday, our second week anniversary, we celebrated with more flowers and dinner at another wonderful restaurant. And, tonight he gave me the first movie we saw together - "Happy Feet"; really racy, huh?

He declares up and down he's not a romantic. But, I know different. He is TOTALLY romantic and I love it. (Picture of my flowers)

Different

Marriage is different than being single. Now that in itself doesn't sound very profound. But, you have to remember - I was single for almost 5 years. Even though I lived with my son, Charles, it wasn't like being a couple or having to "report" to him about everything I do. Bob actually wants to be consulted about things. What is with that?

Seriously, I had forgotten that you have to include husbands in decisions, even the small ones. Such as going to a "baby shower" after work or a concert that lasts until the late hours of the night. I know we are to "become one", so to speak, but it's the becoming that is the hard part.

Also, I don't think I get crabby when I am tired, but I could be wrong. It has been "noted" that I could possibly at some time during the day act a little "not" sociable when I am tired. I find that hard to believe because to me, I usually get "quiet" when I am tired, but who's to say the other person is not really correct in their diagnosis. Needless to say, I hope that isn't true.

Something that is also different is "becoming a couple." Now that is a concept that is not totally foreign to me. Tom and I were a couple that did things separately at times, and that was okay. But, Bob doesn't like to do a lot of "apart" things. I think it may be time to define some areas of our experiences. I don't know. This could get interesting.

More pics:

This is my "son" Bret, who has a marvelous voice and sang at our wedding. He is so very talented. I am so blessed to have him in my life.

This is Byron, former pastor and friend from college. He remarried Tom and me about 15 years ago. I promised him this was my last wedding. He just laughed.

A view of the wedding party while the ceremony was taking place. Sara, Bob's Best Person, was included in this shot.

This is the whole "gang" or the wedding party; all family. My babies are in the front. Aren't they cute? Bob and I are in the middle. He's cute too.

To Bob

MY LOVE TODAY ON OUR WEDDING DAY

March 11, 2007

I cannot give you my youth,
For I’m not sure we would have liked each other;
But, I am not that person any more.

I cannot give you my middle years,
As I was busy living my life and raising my family.

But, at this time in our lives,
I offer you

My undivided attention - to concentrate on your needs;
I bring you laughter, for you will need it living with me,
also rest – and help with all your burdens,
and last, but not least, a home to come to at the closing of each day.

I have only loved two men in my life.
When the first one died, I thought my life was over.
It took a lot of prayer, meditation, and time to be able to even breathe again.

I thank God each and every day that He has allowed you to come into my world.

And, now I pledge you my love for the last time in my life.

Wahoo

Well, the wedding was interesting. Tom took over and orchestrated the whole thing. It's a good thing he did, and everything went very well. He also did the music, which was great too. Mary McCormick did the food and Publix did the flowers and cake. Deb and Charles ran around and picked up things, and Deb did some of the flowers too. It was a great time, as far as I was concerned.

Some pics:

This is the cake that Publix made. Bob bought me the topper, which, of course, is Mickey and Minnie.

The display of a copy of our invitation. Mary, the caterer, asked for this to display because she liked the invitation.

This is "one" of the tables that Mary set up with the delicious food that was served.

This is one of my babies - MacKayla. She was one of my flower girls.

So far, so good. We wanted everyone to help us celebrate, eat lots, and just have fun. I think they did.

TODAY

Today is the day. I hope he's ready for this.

THE Last Night

It is past 12:30, which means it is really past 1:30, for as you know, tonight is DST, or aka Daylight Savings Time, and I am "wired" for at least a few more minutes.

This is a very eventful night for me, as most of you know, because I am to be married tomorrow. I keep thinking of "Going to the Chapel, and I'm gonna get married" oldie but Goldie song of the 50s or 60s.

We had a "dinner" with 15 close friends at one of the MK signature restaurants. As I looked around the table, I saw an "eclectic" group of people who came together for this night, just to help us celebrate this wedding tomorrow. All the people there were wishing us well and giving us gifts of love.

So many thoughts are going through me head right now - Is Bob ready for this? Should I postpone it? Where am I going from this? What about my 1st husband? (All 4 sons will be there) Where do I go from here?

Bob is a wonderful man. He seems ready for this. I know I love him and I know he loves me, but one thought that keeps going over and over in my mind is this-I won't be single any more after tomorrow. I will be married. Wow! That is hard for this over-stuffed mind to comprehend. But, I'm willing to take the chance.

And, if you are in the area, just call for directions to the clubhouse. It would be great to have you. And, thanks Marvin. The hair looks great and will look even better tomorrow.

It seemed like a good idea at the time

With only 4 more nights, you would think I would be engaging in some crazy, wild time out partying with friends, etc. but no, I'm home doing laundry. Bob is at the apartment, probably going to sleep by now. (He has to be up at 2:30, remember) We are just too tired to do any extra things right now. We did go to Wendy's for a quick chili, and then to Kohl's to pick up a "teddy" like top to go with my new red outfit I want to wear Sunday. That was it. Oh yes, I did stop for gas at 7-11. I did not feel like reshelfing any books tonight or rearranging knick knacks.

Work has been crazy, although today was better than yesterday. I had a friend, Kristen, who said she was going to text me every 10 minutes Sunday night. I told her my phone would NOT be on then and neither would my pager. That doesn't sound like much, but if you know me, you know that I sleep with my phone on the bed beside me. That is for Bob's text message at 3:30 am every morning. He started doing that the night after we started dating and continues it on the days he works @ SW. At first I couldn't go back to sleep, but now I answer him, and fall right back to sleep. That will probably stop when we get married. After all, he won't need to do that then. I will enjoy giving up my phone by my side each night, but what could I replace it with that would be as necessary? Maybe a good night's sleep?

Where is my bed?

The movers came today to take away all my earthly possessions; well, at least MOST of my earthly possessions. Sounds pretty sad, right? Not at all. They moved most of my furniture to our new apartment. The only problem is they also moved my bed.

Now I don't want to wax too sentimental, but I love my bed. I hand picked it a few years ago after Tom died. I couldn't sleep in our bed, so my friend Deb went with me several times until I found JUST THE RIGHT ONE! And for me to have to give it up, even for just a week, is almost traumatic - tantamount to being displaced and homeless.

Okay. Not really. I do tend to be a "tiny" melodramatic. Our new apartment is looking like home. My friend, Antoinette, who cleans for me, is cleaning tomorrow and then I can put back all my books and "stuff."

When I say stuff, I really mean stuff. Bob and I must be the two biggest Disney collectors, in the world, except for my son Charles. You name it, we have it. It is only a 2 bedroom apartment, so space IS limited but we will put out as much as possible. Bob has some cool stuff too. I don't want to admit that his is cooler than mine, but...

So the saga goes. Only 6 more nights and the big day. If I had enough energy, I might actually be concerned about the pssibility of something going wrong with the wedding plans, but since I don't, I won't. It is pretty sad when Bob and I both have to take naps just to have enough energy to go to dinner. Hopefully, after Sunday we both will have some rest time. Then again, maybe it won't be for a while after we get married.

Finally

One of the things I hated about moving to Orlando was that I had to leave some very close, wonderful friends. This week-end two came to visit. The time was too short, but, I always have a great time with them and they accept me just the way I am. That is a true friend.

I had class on Friday and left MK to come home to clean and change the sheets. They arrived about about 3:30 and we met Bob for dinner. They like him. I'm glad. I thought they would.

Sat I went back for my last class. Stephanie and Jody from Nashville, met Charles for breakfast and then came to the MK. It was so great to see them. Sarah Clayton is growing like a "weed" and so beautiful. I couldn't stay long because I had tickets to a Braves game where I was going to meet my two friends. Braves lost but a good time was had by all. Sometimes it isn't about the game, just the "good times" and how much junk you can eat. We met Bob for dinner at the Sports Cafe. We went to the storage unit to try to start to empty it. After the second trip, it started to rain and we had to stop. We had hoped to go to one of the parks on Sunday, but they chose instead to help me clean out the unit, wash the clothes, and put things away.

I am so blessed - a wonderful man in my life; friends that go more than the "extra mile" when helping me, and a brand new life. It doesn't get much better.

Weekly Count down

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you know that one week from today @ 2 pm, I am getting married. As my first husband use to say, "This week has been interesting, if not enjoyable."

Class is over. I received a pin. I just have to have an observation by one of the senior members. And, that is where I get nervous. Am I ready? Not yet, but I will be. Everyone in the program has been fantastic. Our two trainers were so gracious, upbeat, and positive. Even in the midst of all my chaos, this class has been a sort of "haven" to retreat to for a few hours. I will get checked out some time in April. I've asked for a few weeks to "let the dust settle" so to speak.

I've had two friends visiting this week-end. In the midst of all the "happenings" these two friends, more like sisters, have come to help me get through some of the necessary things I had to do. We've had a great time - we've laughed, we've cried, we've eaten, and laughed some more. They are moving my storage stuff into the apartment. (Where did I get all these books?) We went to a ballgame. We're going to visit a "whale" today, thanks to Bob. But, the most important thing they have done is "just be here for me." For that I am so grateful. I've told you I have awesome friends. They are just like the pizza man, "They always deliver." (I still don't have a dress to wear.)

Life is interesting

While embellishing is sometimes part of my MO, I think I can safely say that the last few days have been horrific for me, and there seems to be no relief in sight.

Bob has assured me that he is "good to go" with his change in diet and proper exercise to lower his blood sugar. That is a real relief. I really would have hated not marrying him. (Maybe there is a little of the "what if" still left in me)

Charles, on the other hand, is having more severe issues. His Dr gave his some medication yesterday that seemed to make the heart beat even faster. By the time I talked with him last night, he was in somewhat of a serious state. He didn't want to go to the hospital and spend another 5-6 hours in emergency. So, I gave him aspirin and he took a couple of sleeping pills and went to bed. I don't know if that was the thing to do or not, but I can hear him snoring at this early hour so he must be okay, at least for now.

I am still in class. I am almost totally disinterested in what is going on. In a way, this class has been a real pain to have going on, but in several other ways it has been a real life saver. I needed the afternoons, this week before the wedding, to do some running around and picking up and it has allowed me the opportunity to still get paid for almost my same hours as normal, and I have had the flexibility to leave to take care of Charles and Bob. So, all in all, God is good and He takes care of me, just like He said He would those many years ago in Israel.

So, Bob is back at work today. He texted me a message this am. Charles is probably going to take another day off and see his Dr again or at least I hope he will. But he has a big press event this week-end. I don't know how all of this is going to affect that, but God is still good.

One of my trainers, Evie, is getting married in 7 months and has been giving me a lot of great ideas for our wedding, especially for the flowers. And, I only have 10 more nights. Wow!

I don't know if I can do this

Just when you think things are going so well, the bottom falls out. I was in my training class today and during break I checked my phone calls. My son, Charles, was in the emergency room with heart "arrhythmia". After spending 5 hours in the hospital, they sent him home with no apparent cause and an appointment for a cardiologist. After leaving him, I went with Bob to a Dr's appointment; waited over an hour for him to find out he is diabetic.

For those of you who know my history, my first husband Tom died because of complications of diabetes. For more than 12 or so years, we dealt with all the intricate details of his not taking care of himself and me trying to make him. I don't know if I can do this again.

I mentioned this to Charles and with the logic he usually has, he said, "Bob is not Dad." That is very true and yet it is the same. I know I am tired. I know not to make any rash decisions when I am tired. And yet I can't help it. I definitely have to talk to Bob about this.

Twelve More Nights

It is rapidly coming to a close - my single life. The apartment got painted - Great job Marvin! Bob got moved in, finally. And, I cooked dinner for the first time. I won't say it was a disaster, but close. I fixed strogonoff with linguine, salad, Italian bread, and fruit as desert. He had eaten lunch late, so he wasn't hungry. He wanted to get his bed all set up so I washed his bed clothes while he tried to unpack and set up a few things. TV in place; bed remade; clothes all ready for his 12:30 wake up (he had to be at work at 2:00 am) and he decided he wanted to go to Target to replace his old pillows.

I won't say his pillows were disgusting, but I wouldn't have let Carson sleep on them. (Carson is Tom's dog) Shopping all done, Bob decides he wants 2 hot dogs and chips for dinner. (Good thing I remembered to get wieners at the store) So, that was his dinner. Mine? I ate the strogonoff, etc. It was delicious.

On a more positive note, he brought me some lovely flowers; JUST BECAUSE... He said I deserve flowers everyday. Oh yeah; he's a keeper.

Closer

It is only 15 more nights until the big day. As it gets closer, Bob and I both are anxiously awaiting the day. If nothing else, we will get to finally be together in one location and not have to run around trying to find things for the wedding. That has to be less stressful. And, we can finally get on some sort of schedule and routine.

I personally thrive on routine and schedules. In addition to Bob having to work overtime these last two weeks, I am also in training for the Youth Education Service for "D" next week. It seems that everything is happening these last two weeks. Oh well.

The fiasco of getting furniture for our apartment is finally over. We now have a couch, coffee table, and dining room set. Marvin is painting on Sunday. Bob's bed is being moved into the apartment on Sunday some time and he will be moved in, theoretically. My furniture will be moved in on March 5 and I will move in on March 11, after the wedding. Some say that is old fashioned. Yes. I guess it is, but those are my beliefs and Bob is okay with them. He is a gentleman and loves me.

It is exciting to be on the "threshold" so to speak of a whole new direction for my personal life and work orientation. I once heard someone say "The only things that are sure are death and change." That is probably true. We only have one life to live. But, if you do it right, that's all you need.

Moving v Not Moving

I never realized how "interesting" moving could be, not to mention all the details involved. I'm not sure how, but I would like to get about 97% of all my things over to the apartment by March 5. With working 50+ hrs a week, trying to get all the wedding items ready and just trying to "live", we are both still having trouble getting in "sleep" time.

Bob has just been told he will be working overtime for the next few weeks at his regular job. That is exactly what he needed; even less time to sleep. So here I sit. It is Sunday. I've miss church again. That is not something I really like to do, because I need and want to be there, but I am so tired that I can hardly move, and I have so much to do. It is cold outside and I am such a baby when it come to trying to do anything in cold weather. Maybe I am trying to do too much. (You think?)

I spent from 1:00 pm until 6:30 waiting on the cable/WYFI guy to fix my computer hookup. This guy finally showed up around 3pm. The cable was supposedly installed the other day. This is the 2nd time I've had to wait for them to show up and work on the hook ups, and it still doesn't work correctly. I wasn't unproductive though. I had clothes to wash, dishes to put away, and just generally working on the apartment to try to get it ready for the furniture that is supposed to be delivered on Thursday. I also have someone coming to paint some time next week. And, tomorrow, well, that is another "day off" that I will spend running around trying to get more errands done. (And Jonathan wanted me to work tomorrow. Yeah, right!)

Tom's Grandmother Sally once told me that "Sometimes the most religious thing you can do is stay in bed." I always liked that woman. I knew she was a great Christian, but I never really realized how truly wise she really was. Thanks Grandma Sally.

V-Day

Valentines Day is not what you would call "A National Holiday", and yet lots of people, including me, like to celebrate it. It is a time of sharing love, giving gifts, dining out, and by all means, letting people know that you care for them.

Bob was no exception. He gave me two cards, a large heart-shaped box of candy, 1 dozen red roses, and a Teddy bear in an arrangement. I was overwhelmed. We went out to dinner to a restaurant that was close by and then he brought me home because he has to be @ work by 3:30am. He said he didn't sleep much last night, and he had to work over about 3 hours, so I was surprised when he said he wanted to go out tonight.

We went to a restaurant "downtown", but he was very quiet all evening. He even went to sleep on the way home. (Good thing I was driving). I'm not in much better shape, energy wise. I'll be glad when everything settles down a little. We only have 23 more nights and then the wedding. I know we will have more time to rest after that, or at least we will both be in the same place and not have to eat out every night.

Friends

This past week I heard from friends that now live in Atlanta - Heidi, David, Max and Abby. They are really awesome, talented people. David use to work for Universal here in "O-town" and was in charge of entertainment in some way or another, and Heidi use to work for a children's clothing line. Abby is a bright, beautiful girl turning into a lovely young lady, right in front of my eyes.

And then there is Max. He reminds me of the Max in "Where the Wild Things Are" by Maurice Sendak. Creative, cute, talented, smart, and totally Max. He probably has an IQ of somewhere around 180 and can't remember his address or where to get off the school bus. But, I love the kid and miss all of them so much.

Heidi is staying on with us for a couple days and that is totally neat. My bedroom is full of boxes, but it won't bother her for she is easily adaptable. I'm just glad to have her. Hopefully she will get to meet Bob before she leaves on Wednesday.

Speaking of Bob, he picked me up today about 3 o'clock and we went to downtown "D". Just spending time with him is great. I am off work today and got to go to church; Charles drove. We went to lunch with Bret/Julie and the girls; Heidi/David and their kids; the Leoflers, and a guy named Matt from church. Bob worked late and couldn't go. I really hated that. I was hoping that he would go and meet everyone that he had not met, but everyone knows how it is to have to work whatever they have to work.

Life is interesting. I can't believe that in one month, I'll be married. And, my life will change one more time. How it will change, I don't really know, but it will definitely be different. And, I can hardly wait.

Just do it!

There are only 27 more nights and it is getting more hectic. We spent time together today and after a long, extended drive and several meals, I am so tired that I can hardly breathe. We have had cable installed, bought a couch and dining room table, chairs and bench, sorted clothes, washed clothes, and run around like two loons.

And, just when it seems so hectic, I am reminded of my friend Ruth who just found out she has breast cancer. That stops you in your tracks no matter how tired you might be. This woman has been a friend for over a quarter of a century, I've had one of her daughters in my classroom, her husband and mine were colleagues, and what can you say? - I just hugged her, held her, and told her how much I loved her, and that SHE WOULD get through this.

I know what it felt like when misdiagnosed with lung cancer, but I don't know how it feels to have the doctor tell you that you have breast cancer. Ruth is one of the neatest people I know. She and her family are very dear to me, so trying to discuss this problem is a real wake up call. I know that Bob and I made the right decision to get married, even if it seems to be too quickly.

Life is so short and you must live it to the fullest every single minute because you never know when something or someone will not be in your life any more. And when you lose a close friend or husband, the pain is so overwhelming that life as you know it seems to stop and can never be the same again.

God has allowed me to know two great men. I am so grateful that mere words are thin veils for all the emotions I feel at this moment, but I tell you this - Life is short! God is good; and, He loves me.

Misunderstandings

A set of circumstances sometimes happen and appear to be one thing, and are actually another. Does that ever happen to you?

Due to being in a meeting today, I shut off my phone because I forgot to leave it in the car. After I got home I was hungry, so I fixed a hamburger and layed down on the couch to watch last night's GILMORE GIRLS. Well, you can imagine what happened next, I fell asleep. Charles got home about 7 and I was just waking up and didn't actually know what time it was.

I found out the phone was still off when I went to plug it in and set the alarm that I use each morning. I had a message from Bob - "It's not nice to shut your phone off." I quickly phoned him and explained the situation. He seemed okay with it, but not - if you know what I mean. I'm not even sure I KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I asked him if WE were okay, and he said yes and that he hoped I wasn't getting paranoid on him.

I don't know. Maybe I AM paranoid or have paranoid tendencies. Maybe this is too good to be true and I WANT to find something wrong with the relationship. I don't know that either,but I don't think so. I know I love him. I know he loves me. Maybe we're both too tired and tonight was a good idea for both of us to rest. I know I miss him when I'm not with him, and tonight is no exception. Only 30 more nights, Cheryl; 30 more nights!

What if?

When I agreed to marry Bob, it never occurred to me that he could get sick. He seems invincible, so when I talked with him tonight, I wasn't sure what I would find when I met him for supper. His eyes were watery, his face was flushed and he had a fever. Why is it that scares me?

Work is crazy, hectic and busy to say the least. I'm not getting enough sleep, the new job is more than I thought it would be, and the details of the wedding are at times overwhelming. Maybe subconsciously the memory of finding my husband dead on our bedroom floor is just beneath the surface of my life. Maybe I have unresolved issues. I don't know. I only know I am tired and this is just another "thing" to deal with at this time.

Bob has not felt well for some time. His father was diabetic, and I know what he is thinking. "What if he is too?" I've lived with a diabetic. It isn't easy for either person. I don't know how Bob would handle this.

When my dad taught me to drive, he insisted on me dealing with "What ifs." What if a car pulled out in front of you? What if you are driving and hit a water spot on the road? What if you accidentally drive off the road? These are "defensive" driving techniques. I had lived with "What ifs" most of my life. About 15 years ago I chose NOT to live like that any longer. I love Bob very much, and I refuse to "what if" my life away. It is a useless waste of time and energy. Besides, 95% of all we think will happen, doesn't. So, Robert G. Brown, I love you, and whatever time we have together, it will all be good. God willing, we have many good years ahead.

The "Cat" is out of the bag, so to speak

Tonight was the night. I had dinner with Julie, Bret, the girls and Charles. It was decided that Bob would not go, so I could "announce" our impending wedding. It was certainly interesting, to say the least. No one had any idea, and Charles has been very quiet ever since. I hated to spring it on them, but I couldn't wait any longer. In fact, to me there had been too much time between when we made the decision and letting them know. Charles wished me well and said, "Whatever makes you happy."

I love all my sons very much. I care what they think. I know they only want the very best for me. And yet, why do I feel like I've done something they disapprove of? I just want everyone to be okay with my choice. And, my question is this - Are they upset because of me liking someone? Are they upset because of Bob? Or, are they upset because they didn't know?

I like structure in my life, as you know. I have schedules! I have order! I have lists! So what is the problem? I'm not really sure. I know I am very tired, but that can be expected with the new job and the added responsibilities of getting a wedding ready. What wasn't expected was having to justify why I want to marry and who I want to marry.

Maybe I didn't explain it carefully enough or blurted it out too quickly without any prep for the group. One of the things I learned in therapy is there are always choices; not necessarily ones we like, but there are choices! The bottom line is - now everyone knows. So, what is the next step? Or, where do I go from here? I just want everyone to "play nice." Kindergarten was so much easier.

INTERESTING

Life is never dull in my world. Things happen; things change. Yesterday I went to work, business as usual, and all of a sudden I was very ill with what appeared to be a stomach flu. (Gory details left out) I called Allison and she let me leave. I came home and slept most of the afternoon with some serious medication and I felt somewhat better afterward.

Bob called; we met and signed the papers on our new apartment. Anyone who knows me and has my phone number, I can give you the new location. We met with the caterer - Mary. Neat lady; lots of good ideas. Bob ate dinner; I watched. I was still not sure that I should eat, so I didn't.

We went to Target afterward to scout out a table I had seen earlier. The closest store did not have it. We'll have to go to another one. As I was really tired, we called it an early night and he brought me home. I DID register @ Target online a little later last night. We shop there, so it's only logical that I do that. I hadn't really thought about gifts until Mary mentioned it when we were talking. It would be nice to receive gifts, but most of all we would just like our friends to come and help us celebrate.

Just think 38 more nights, and I will be married again. Whew. I am entering this new marriage with better insight into who I should be for him. I was not the best of wives the first 23 years of my marriage to Tom, but with God's help, I was much better the last 8 1/2. I think I am much farther down the road so to speak, with what a good wife should be. But Bob nailed it when he said, "I don't expect you to wait on me, or do things for me that I can do myself, I would like for you to just be with me and love me." He is not a man with a lot of demands and expectations. God is good; He loves me and has blessed me with another good man in my life.

TOO PERSONAL?

Writing in a journal is very therapeutic for me. When blogging came along, I found I enjoy typing out my thoughts and sharing them with whomever chooses to read it. I never really thought about them being too personal until yesterday when Maria said she had read them and that she felt she was intruding on my private life.

I agree that they are personal but I haven't a problem with this. For many years, I was bound by a "code" of silence, so to speak. My family believed that "NOTHING" was discussed "ANYWHERE" or with "ANYONE" if it was of a personal nature. Superficial doesn't hurt and you don't have to be honest with your feelings and emotions. That way of thinking almost cost me my life.

About 15 or so years ago I was forced to take an "up close and personal" look at my life. I was in crises and didn't know what to do about it. Thanks to God, a close friend, an MD, physcologist, therapy, and medication, I was able to get back on an even footing. With all of that, I have been able to release the emotions that bound me for so long and prompts me now to want to finish my degree in counseling, which I WILL do!

What is our purpose on this Earth? I believe it is to love and serve. God first, of course; friends/family a close second and any other living creature on this earth that we are priviledged to come in contact with during our short stay here.

Yes. These are very personal writings. Yes. I am opening up all my feelings and emotions to "the world", so to speak. Do I mind doing that? Not if it can help someone else. Will I continue? Definitely! Why? If someone can gain something from my ramblings, that will be worth it. But I can tell you now, it helps me far more than it could ever help anyone else.

New Apartment; New Life

Yes. It seems as if it is really happening. We sign the papers for the new apartment on January 31, and Bob will be moving in soon after we have it painted. I, of course, will NOT move in until after the wedding on March 11. But, we are in the process of acquiring new furniture and that is exciting.

Bob's eclectic taste tends to lean more toward (to put it nicely) "Shabby Cheque". My taste, on the other hand, is more traditional. We all know who will win this discussion - Me, of course because he will eventually give in, like he always does, and after all, it IS all about me. For those of you that know me, I have said this for years. And, as you also know, it isn't all about me.

It is all about God's love for me. I don't know WHY GOD loves me, but I know He does and with that comes so many blessings I wouldn't know where to start to share them all. But, one of the PERKS of having God's love and blessings is my family and the many friendships I have been honored with over the years. No one in this world has been showered with more love than me. And, for this I am so humbly grateful.

Even though my life is "full" right now and there is little extra wiggle room for thinking pensive thoughts, I contemplate the road I have taken. As I look back, I see many events that could have led me on another path had I chosen differently. Mistakes? Definitely! But I don't dwell on those. Joys? By all means; way more than I deserve. Laughs? Always; mostly with those close dear friends. Excitement? Oh yeah. And, this new road? I feel like Dorothy and her friends. Oz is just around the corner.

What is Normal?

According to Patsy Clairmont, "Normal is just a setting on your dryer." For me, it's a comfort zone of where I live. Wednesday was a much better day, emotionally, and the evening went great. I am truly blessed to have such a great man enter my life.

We went to eat @ a small cafe in Celebration. It was good comfort food and as it was starting to get cold with the impending rain, it really hit the spot. I, of course, lean toward healthy food (meatloaf, mashed potatoes, squash medley and Caesar salad). Bob was down a pint in his daily "grease" quota, so he had fish and chips, also quite good because I HAD to taste it.

I don't know why the men in my life seem to gravitate to unhealthy food groups. Bob's not much on sweets and he also likes salads, but he really has the grease thing going on. My and my son Tom's appetite for all foods is actually an anomaly in my immediate family. Edward, Charles and the girls are very picky eaters. Bret is kind of "eclectic" in his taste. Julie will eat a lot of different things with a primary penchant for Chinese. This makes things very interesting when we get together for meal times.

Personalities are also varied in my group. Some are high maintenance; some not so much. It is always fun with the girls, but the guys are all leaders of some sort and there just really needs to be some followers at times. I look forward to all the impending holidays.

Celebrations can be a myrid of emotions. I'm already getting "suggestions" for the reception and that is supposed to be low key. I'm sure if it wouldn't be too obvious, I could even get ideas for how to spend the rest of my life. That certainly has been known to happen in my circles. Ah. Every day is a challenge and reward. That's what makes each day interesting in my world.

MELTDOWN TIME

Being a girl is not my lifetime ambition. I always took it for granted that there were some emotions that came along with the job other than the obvious one. And, anyone who knows me knows that I don't cry easily. I guess I am more stressed than I thought because last night was a (as my mother would say) "doozy" of a meltdown.

The term "meltdown" has been bantered about in the last few years in the education field to cover erratic behavior in children especially when they behave badly. I felt it was a cop-out until it actually happened to me. Isn't that the way it usually goes?

Bob brought me home early from dinner, about 7 pm. As usual I was getting my costume ready for Wed, as it is supposed to be cold and I have to switch to my "turtleneck shirt, long pants, heavy sock, etc. I put on my night clothes, got under the covers and the tears just started. I don't know why.

I called Bob to tell him something I had forgotten and I couldn't stop the tears. Of course he wanted to know what was wrong and I couldn't even tell him for all the "sniffing and sob-sobbing. (I think I just wanted to hear his voice tell me it would be okay.) Who knows what he thought but he tried his best to calm me down and when I was somewhat coherent I explained to him that I didn't know "why" I was crying and that I didn't usually behave that way. He said he understood. I'm glad he did because I sure didn't.

Maybe I am too tired. Maybe all the planning is getting to me. I don't know. I DO know this - a good night's sleep will do wonders and I'm glad to report that I feel much better today. I get to go to the "most magical place on earth" and work with a fantastic team of people and that is always a good thing.

46 and holding

Planning is something I have a tendency to "over do" so it doesn't usually bother me any more when something doesn't go exactly as planned. As you know if you have been reading the saga of my impending wedding, Bob is a "seat of the pants" planner. (This marriage should be interesting) And, anyone who has ever gotten married or helped plan a wedding knows how much there is to do to get ready. Sooooo, in addition to working 5-6 days a week, I am also trying to get "all my ducks in a row" for this March 11 event.

We got the license yesterday and put a deposit down on an apartment. It is in the same complex as I now live-2b/2b. Bob will move in some time around the middle of February. We both like the neighborhood and it is convenient to both our jobs, so it seemed the "prudent and logical" thing to do.

The apartment complex DOES rent the clubhouse for events so that seems the best place to have the ceremony. Byron has cleared the date to be here. The next step is the caterer, and I am working on that.

Conversed briefly with Byron's wife Mary yesterday and he is leaving today for another trip to Israel. I told her to tell him to be careful. I need him here for March 11. They attended my first ceremony in Nashville in 1967. He performed the 2nd one in Florida in 1993. It seems only right that he should help me get married this time too. I did assure her that this was the LAST time he would need to be available.

There is so much love for Mary and Byron. They have been here for all "the good, the bad and the ugly" in my life but they have also been here for celebrations, uplifting events and yes, even the many weddings. They are longtime college friends and even if we don't communicate with each other on a daily basis, there is still that bond that keeps us together as friends. I can't imagine my life without them.

Bob is a hopeless romantic-something I am really not use to. (He denys it no matter how much I tell him) He brings me flowers, opens the car door for me (when I remember to let him), and has added many details to the planning of the wedding. He did ask me WHEN I knew I was in love with him. I told him when he took my hand on our first date. He returned with the comment, "I have loved you all my life; I just didn't know it until I met you." You gotta love a guy like that!

Unusual?

Bob asked me what type of ring I wanted for our wedding. I thought about it and decided that I didn't need diamonds or a plain band. I had those with my former marriage. I found one I wanted.

It is a gold band with "Mickey" heads on it. "Are you SURE this is what you want?" he asked. I assured him it was. We MET at Disney; We have DATED at Disney; it is only fitting that we have a Disney ring.

(The picture is not a good picture, but you get the idea.)

So, I have one for him to put on my finger. He has one he will wear on a chain around his neck. He can't wear it on his hand because of the dangers in his profession. He could catch in on some of the equipment and tear off a finger. That would certainly NOT be good.

Only 7 more weeks. I can't believe it. And, I can't wait.

It is all good

Things are progressing quite nicely from where I sit. Bob has met my older son, Tom, and it went well. It is really "surreal" introducing your son to your fiance. I can't believe this little boy that I gave birth to so long ago is the young man that was sitting across from me who is now grown, living on his own and functioning in his world.

I am very proud of both my sons. I can remember their childhood antics, the school-time years and the graduations for both of them-high school and college. I have a lot to be thankful for.

I am the typical "cancer", the crab person. Whenever threatened, I retreat, reflect on whatever has happened, and then crawl out of the shell and act accordingly. I have always been the sensible, level-headed person, who did what was supposed to be done and went where she was supposed to go. But not now. Bob says I sulk. I don't think that is it.

When I was in therapy, my counselor helped me work through the items of my life with a systematic, analytical way of looking at things. I try to do that now. I am about to make a major step in my life and I am trying to work through all of this that is involved. There is so much to do and with working 6 days a week, it doesn't leave much "extra" time to complete it.

Would I change anything? Maybe work less hours. Am I sure about this decision? I am more sure about this than anything I have done in several years. And you know, I can't wait to get started on this new phase of my life.

He asked.

Well, he asked me to marry him. I said yes. And, the date is set. March 11 @ 2:00 pm in Orlando, FL.

This is Bob

For those of you who have wanted to know what the new guy looks like, here he is. We were on Hudson beach this week-end and I took this with my phone. Bob is 5'6" tall, with brown eyes and works for a competitive theme park. And, he makes me laugh. (It has been a long time.)


I wanted to introduce him to Grouper and "Inn On The Gulf" has the best 'going' in this area. Long way to go for fish, but well worth it. BeBe is one of the waitresses. I've know her for years. She will take great care of you when you visit. I recommend the Grouper fingers. There is enough to share so I would advise getting only one serving. You might want to add a salad to share. My personal favorite is the Village Salad. Greek salad without the lettuce.


We also went to Tarpon Springs while in the area. It is one of my favorite places to visit locally and he had never been. I have so much fun introducing him to new places and things. Tarpon is a great place to get most anything. It is one of the few "quaint" villages left. Although the infamous Pappas Restaurant is no longer in business, you can get great food there at one of the local establishments. My personal favorite is Platkas.


I have a lot of Greek friends. One of them, Joseph who lives here in "O" town, likes the goat cheese that we can buy in a little market on one of the streets off the main drag of "Dodcanese Blvd". (I hope I spelled that correctly). So, of course, I had to get him some. He was working today and we took it to him at the park. We stayed for a while and had dinner there.


The parks are a great place to visit. We get in free, so the only expense you have to incur is for food. If you know where to shop, you can get great eats. This park is kind of special in that it is where Bob took me on our first date.


Tomorrow, which is already today by the way, he is working and I am going to church in the am. We are getting a new cleaning person and I have a lot to do before she arrives Monday. I DON'T clean before the cleaning person shows up, but neither Charles or I have been home much lately so there are things that definitely need to be put away, especially all the presents from Christmas, cds, etc.


Bob is going to church with me @ 6. We are having a group called "Shades of Green" singing and I thought this would be a nice way to introduce him to my church family. We can't stay long because he must be @ work by 4 and he needs to get SOME sleep. This will be interesting. He has not met either of "natural sons" nor has he met Bret, Julie and the girls. He knows how much they mean to me and he's a little nervous about meeting them. I have assured him that they only want my happiness so they will be excited to meet him. I pray this is true because I have a feeling he is going to be in my life for a VERRRRRRY long time and that makes me smile.

WHEN?

When is enough, enough? When will I be allowed my own time? And, when am I old enough to make decisions for myself?

Sometimes I feel as if I am 5 years old and I am too inept or too stupid to know when I am having a good time and what is best for me. Somehow I have made it all these "ahem" years and not done too badly. I have a fairly nice car, great job and pay all my bills on time. I have never had anything repossessed. I have tried never to buy anything I can't afford. And, even though I spend too much money, I go for months without buying anything. So why can't I pick out who I want to date, or even marry?

I don't know. It seems everyone thinks they know what is best for me. I wonder. Do they really or am I going to be left alone to make my own decisions and yes, even mistakes?

EXCITING

Events of late have made me stop and evaluate my status. At this age in my life, I think I should be able to see a view of life from an introspective way. I am over 50; I have a terriffic job; I can do most anything I like; I can go most anywhere I want. God is good. The only cog in this wheel of life for me was that I was lonely.

Let's face it. This is not a world of "single" individuals. It is TOTALLY geared for couples. And, God ordained it that way. Doing things together is a great way to spend an evening. Just walking absolutely no where is an adventure.

Seeing things from another person's perspective is kind of neat. It is exciting. And, it is absolutely eye opening. Did you know that the stars light up the night in no way street lights can? Did you know that on a somewhat cold night, standing next to someone you like can make you not so cold? And, did you also know that brown eyes can be more exciting than blue ones? Amazing isn't it?

I Was Wrong

Admitting that I am wrong isn't easy for me. It never has been. I think I get the attitude from my parents, WHO NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG IN THEIR LIVES. But in this case, I am glad to admit it. For me, apologizing has gotten easier over the last few years.

I previously said I didn't get a boyfriend for Christmas. Well, I was wrong. God DID send me a new "fellow." It was a real surprise to me when I discovered that I really do like him a lot. I didn't think it was possible to love again. One more time, I was wrong.

God has an amazing way of surprising me with the most wonderful presents. Thank you God.

The New Guy

Things are going VERY well. To be perfectly honest, this guy is not new at all. He is a guy that I have known since last April or May and we have been "talking" for a while. Just lately, we have chosen to know more about each other. And, I really like him a lot. We have so many things in common - where we work; music; ideas on politics; concerts, etc. We even both have Mustangs that we drive. So, what is the problem? I don't know if I am ready for this close of a relationship.

I pride myself on my schedules. I know where I am going; when I am going; and what I am going to do when I get there. Some would even say OCD, or worse! Bob doesn't fit that mold. He "flies" by the seat of his pants, or so he says. He actually asks my opinion on things and wants my input on decisions.

I know I like being with him. I know we talk about anything and everything. He seems to "know" me and even completes sentences for me, with the exact words I was thinking. How is it possible to know so much about someone in such a short period of time? I don't know. I do know this. It could be the start of something very good.

PS: It is now 3 am and Bob just called to say how much he enjoyed last night and that he misses me. (Isn't that sweet) He's on his way to work. This is good.

Headache or Heartbreak

Yesterday I mentioned a new guy I had met, and what a good time I had with him. Today he called me to see how I was doing. He knew I was upset about a friend's mother and he said he was concerned about me and my day.

I didn't have my phone today. I thought I had left it at home, but found out after I got home that it had slid down under my front seat, which is where I finally found it. I had 6 calls that I missed. I didn't even know he had called until I called a number that was on my phone. (I didn't have his number). It was really nice to hear his voice and for a little while, my headache, that I had had most of the day, went away. He makes me laugh and he wanted to listen about my day. So what is that little voice in the back of my head saying?

It is saying that:
1. He's not a Christian. One rule I have followed since Tom died is that I don't go out with guys that I could get serious with that are not Christians.
2. I really would like a chance with "J". He IS a Christian and I thought we got along well.
3. How will "the new guy" get along with my friends and family? ( "J" would fit in better).

I guess what I am saying is I shouldn't like him. But, I do. And I don't know how to deal with this.

Magic?

Dating people you work with isn't always a good idea. It can cause all kinds of problems that I won't go into. I don't usually make this a practice, but I made an exception tonight.

Kidding around with most of the people I work with is a daily past time. I am told I have a quick wit and I can go back and forth with the best of people. So, when this guy started kidding back and forth with me, I of course had some fast come backs. Well, he called and asked me to go to dinner at one of restaurants in one of the parks. I love my job, and I love going to the parks so it wasn't a far stretch for me to accept his invitation.

We ate @ an Irish Pub, rode rides, walked in the rain; very romantic. It's been a while since I've had an evening like that. Would I go out with him again? Yeah, probably. Will he ask? I don't know. But it would certainly be interesting to get to know him. We'll see how it goes.

To Do or Not To Do?

Confrontation is not easy for me. I come from a family of "avoiders." The philosophy, unspoken but practiced, is "Leave it alone. It will fix itself." This is not always the case.

I went to our storage space today and discovered that approximately 1/3 of our "stuff" is no longer there. When Julie and I went there to get the Christmas decorations in November, there were boxes from back to front and stacked up almost to the top of the space. No so now.

The remaining boxes were not stacked neatly, a lid was off a remaining storage bin, and there was more than enough room for the Christmas decoration boxes we were returning in addition to the three new large bins we had just purchased.

I'm not accusing anyone. I want to make that perfectly clear!!! But, the only people I know were in there were our cleaning people. The husband offered to return our empty Christmas boxes to storage for me. So, do I change the lock to the storage, change the combination to enter the area, have the lock to the apartment changed and notify the cleaning people that we no longer need their services? Or, do I just continue the way we are going and try to ignore the feelings I have?

There are decisions that I have to make. My son wants to be left out of it. He said to do what I think I need to do. Probably, if there had not been items I can not find in the apartment, I would ignore it.

I am forced to admit, "I have to do something." There are decisions to be made and I hate making them by myself. (Where is Tom when I need him?) Being a grownup is not all it's cracked up to be.

Sadness

Down deep, I know death is a part of life. That seems like a paradox, but yet it makes sense. I have received word that my husband's aunt just died. She was such a special person.

My in-laws were not really very happy when Tom and I were talking about getting married. Not so with Irlene. She was so approving of me without any reservations and welcoming me into the family with great warmth. She and Tom were a lot alike - gentle, accepting, with a funny sense of humor. I can't think of her without thinking of Tom's Grandparent's homestead in Highway, KY. They lived on what they raised. And man could they cook!!! I can almost taste all the great veggies they fixed.

I will miss Irlene. It is frequently said, "Oh they are in a better place." Never has that been more true for anyone, especially for her. She developed Alzheimer's a few years ago, and she really had not been "of this world" for many years. It was very sad. Now she is finally home. I know she and Tom are having a great reunion. I'm a little jealous.

'Twas The Day After Christmas

Christmas is now officially over. Did I get my boyfriend from Santa? Alas, "Ah - No!" unfortunately. I DID SEE "A Boyfriend For Christmas" that Hallmark replayed for the umpteenth time this holiday season. And, as cute as it was, and as sentimental as I am, it really didn't do a lot for me. And, I also didn't get a new computer or car or house. Whiny, huh?

As my good friend and fellow accountability partner Vickie would say, "Would I like a little cheese with that whine?" Yes, I am really pitiful!

Did I really expect all those things I mentioned? No. Not really. I DID get lots of nice presents (more than I deserved); spent time with close friends and relatives; ate too much, and also got some rest time, which are all positives. Now I can go back to work and get ready for New Years. I wonder if the New Year's Baby brings presents. "Hummmmmmmmm" If not, my birthday is in July.

Here Comes Santa Claus

Most holidays are pretty routine to some people; not in my household. NOTHING can be considered routine with the family.

As most everyone knows, I live with my youngest son. He, being an exec. does not have to work on Christmas, but I volunteered since I haven't small children and at the time of the sign up, I didn't know my sister-in-law and niece were coming to visit. Now the dilemma is to find a time when all of us can get together, and around my work time.

My older son had a birthday yesterday and chose to celebrate on Friday over here with us. He brought some friends and I think he had a nice time. We ended up with dinner @ a Japanese Restaurant in the park.

Being the type A, controlling personality that he inherited from his grandmother, (and maybe the way his mother used to be) he decided he wasn't driving ALLLLLLLLL the way back over here for Christmas. (approximately 1 hr) He doesn't have to go back to work until Tuesday. (As Julie would say, "Makes you want to go hmmmmm").

Yes; it would be easier on me, especially since I have to be @ work by 7:00 that day. And, Yes, I would really appreciate it. Is it going to happen? Probably not. Now I have to figure out how to pack another thing into an already busy week. But, it's Christmas and I DO want to spend time with him, and see my "baby dog" Carson. And, Tom is a great cook. So, I'll probably drive over there. I can always sleep at some later time.

I did ask Santa for a new boyfriend. That will be very interesting to see how that happens. I can't wait. Well, actually I asked Santa AND GOD. I figured I'd hedge my bet with the two "biggest" names I know. I have found out that in life it never hurts to cover all your bases.

My Life

Life is certainly interesting. Just when I think I know where it is going, I am surprised with where it went.

A popular country-western song right now is, "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" says Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful life. And, for the most part that is true. The surprises in my life certainly make things 'interesting, if not enjoyable.'

As I look back over this past year, I see twists and turns that I never saw coming. And, I see comfortable spots where I rested for a while. Life happens, even when I'm not ready for it. But I must say, I am truly blessed. It certainly isn't the life I would have chosen, but it's a "Wonderful Life."

SORRY IS A NECESSARY WORD

While on this earth and married to me, my husband Tom taught me many things. He taught me that kindness is always in style; mercy doesn't cost you anything; love is expanding; and saying you're sorry is especially necessary when you have acted like an idiotic, raving lunatic.

Last week I met a very nice man, that I will probably never see again. I totally embarrassed myself with him and unless a miracle occurs, something that could have been, isn't going to happen. He will never learn that I have a kind heart. He will not know how much I love helping people. He won't know what a good cook I "can be." But, most of all, he will never be able to know and love the real me. This make me sad.

Going beyond tired, I am weary. Tom always said I "overbooked my time," and I certainly have proven him right once more. It seems that the more tired I am, the "stupider" I get and the more mistakes I make. Even now, it is 4 am and I can't sleep because my mind is exploding with all the things that need to be done, half of which I probably won't be able to do simply because of time constraints.

My wise and talented Mother used to say, "Some people live and learn, and some people just live." (I still hear her words of wisdom even long after her demise.) I certainly haven't learned time management very well. Still, as we approach a brand new year, I believe there is always hope. Hope for humanity; hope for our country, and hope I can at least make it through the next few days of this year with a modicum of sanity.

Crazy Days

Work the last few days has been extremely hectic. I have recently been promoted and although I haven't "officially" been trained or moved into the position, responsibilities have been extended and expectations are being acknowledged. I really don't mind that, but I some times feel extremely "frustrated" by not being able to do some of the tasks. My friends seem to think I am have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and some times even a little anal about getting things completed. With that in mind, you can understand my frustration.

I still love my job though. There are actually times when I have a hard time believing that I am so blessed with all that I have and am able to do. I am living my dream. And, that is so totally cool.

911

Last night I had a friend call. She had set up a "blind" date for me. Normally, I decline, gracefully I might add, and I had lots to do on my day off, but I decided this had been a long time happening, so I might as well go ahead.

I have been singing in a local "Christmas" program with a "cast" choir. I have practiced since late August, and have actually sung many times. Guess where he wanted to go? You guessed it; the 5:00 performance of the program, and we were to do dinner afterward. I said, "Ah, okay."

I was okay with going because I really like the Christmas Story and I actually had not seen it from the audience seats this year. Imagine my surprise when I actually had a great time. This is one of the few "setups" by friends that went well. He is a very nice man and we seem to get along okay. He asked for my number and I got his. So what's the problem? He hasn't called!

I expected him to be so overwhelmed by my "charm, conversation, beauty, etc." that he would have a hard time getting home before he called. Well, maybe not that bad, but what is with men anyway? As a book title says, "Maybe he's just not that into you." It could be true. Oh well. Am I sitting by the phone, pineing for his call? No, not exactly. You see, I have a cell phone and I can pine while I am driving from place to place. Ah, modern technology. What would we do without it? (And, oh yes, I passed on dinner).

Dilemma

When faced with choices, I don't always make the right decision. For those of you who know me, I know that is hard to believe. But, for those of you who don't, this is a surprise. This is a serious one though.

I have a VERY close friend whose child is stealing from me. I know it. The child knows I know it, and they do it anyway. What do I do? If I let the parent know, I risk the chance of losing the friend. I would really hate to do that. If I don't, the child will continue. And, I can't trust them. This is one of those can't win dilemmas.