One of my favorite games as a child was "What if?" What if I lived someplace else? What if I had different parents? What if I were smart? What if I could change my life? I could instantly go someplace different and be someone else. Interesting, huh?
Of course that never happened, but I must still be playing that game as an adult because I was just imagining what my life would be like if Tom had NOT died.
Today would have been my Mother's 98th birthday. On Thursday, Tom will have been dead 9 years. What if he had not died? How different would my life have been? We would probably still be in Pasco county; he MIGHT have still been teaching; and, who knows what work I would have been doing.
I could not have imagined my life for the last 9 years without him. At times, it still seems so unreal that he is gone. I especially feel this way around dates that are important to me. I don't think I have done anything especially exciting or interesting or even helpful to anyone during this time. But, more importantly to me is where am I going? I was just discussing with my room mate what I should do or be doing. I really haven't any motivation to do anything, or at least anything that makes money. I know I should be concerned by that last statement, but I can't even wrap my brain around that either.
All the ideas I have cost money, but could I really complete something I start even where money is involved? I don't know. I want to be motivated. I just don't know how. Of course, when I win the Lottery, I think that could motivate me in ways I can only imagine. What if...?
