TOO PERSONAL?

Writing in a journal is very therapeutic for me. When blogging came along, I found I enjoy typing out my thoughts and sharing them with whomever chooses to read it. I never really thought about them being too personal until yesterday when Maria said she had read them and that she felt she was intruding on my private life.

I agree that they are personal but I haven't a problem with this. For many years, I was bound by a "code" of silence, so to speak. My family believed that "NOTHING" was discussed "ANYWHERE" or with "ANYONE" if it was of a personal nature. Superficial doesn't hurt and you don't have to be honest with your feelings and emotions. That way of thinking almost cost me my life.

About 15 or so years ago I was forced to take an "up close and personal" look at my life. I was in crises and didn't know what to do about it. Thanks to God, a close friend, an MD, physcologist, therapy, and medication, I was able to get back on an even footing. With all of that, I have been able to release the emotions that bound me for so long and prompts me now to want to finish my degree in counseling, which I WILL do!

What is our purpose on this Earth? I believe it is to love and serve. God first, of course; friends/family a close second and any other living creature on this earth that we are priviledged to come in contact with during our short stay here.

Yes. These are very personal writings. Yes. I am opening up all my feelings and emotions to "the world", so to speak. Do I mind doing that? Not if it can help someone else. Will I continue? Definitely! Why? If someone can gain something from my ramblings, that will be worth it. But I can tell you now, it helps me far more than it could ever help anyone else.

New Apartment; New Life

Yes. It seems as if it is really happening. We sign the papers for the new apartment on January 31, and Bob will be moving in soon after we have it painted. I, of course, will NOT move in until after the wedding on March 11. But, we are in the process of acquiring new furniture and that is exciting.

Bob's eclectic taste tends to lean more toward (to put it nicely) "Shabby Cheque". My taste, on the other hand, is more traditional. We all know who will win this discussion - Me, of course because he will eventually give in, like he always does, and after all, it IS all about me. For those of you that know me, I have said this for years. And, as you also know, it isn't all about me.

It is all about God's love for me. I don't know WHY GOD loves me, but I know He does and with that comes so many blessings I wouldn't know where to start to share them all. But, one of the PERKS of having God's love and blessings is my family and the many friendships I have been honored with over the years. No one in this world has been showered with more love than me. And, for this I am so humbly grateful.

Even though my life is "full" right now and there is little extra wiggle room for thinking pensive thoughts, I contemplate the road I have taken. As I look back, I see many events that could have led me on another path had I chosen differently. Mistakes? Definitely! But I don't dwell on those. Joys? By all means; way more than I deserve. Laughs? Always; mostly with those close dear friends. Excitement? Oh yeah. And, this new road? I feel like Dorothy and her friends. Oz is just around the corner.

What is Normal?

According to Patsy Clairmont, "Normal is just a setting on your dryer." For me, it's a comfort zone of where I live. Wednesday was a much better day, emotionally, and the evening went great. I am truly blessed to have such a great man enter my life.

We went to eat @ a small cafe in Celebration. It was good comfort food and as it was starting to get cold with the impending rain, it really hit the spot. I, of course, lean toward healthy food (meatloaf, mashed potatoes, squash medley and Caesar salad). Bob was down a pint in his daily "grease" quota, so he had fish and chips, also quite good because I HAD to taste it.

I don't know why the men in my life seem to gravitate to unhealthy food groups. Bob's not much on sweets and he also likes salads, but he really has the grease thing going on. My and my son Tom's appetite for all foods is actually an anomaly in my immediate family. Edward, Charles and the girls are very picky eaters. Bret is kind of "eclectic" in his taste. Julie will eat a lot of different things with a primary penchant for Chinese. This makes things very interesting when we get together for meal times.

Personalities are also varied in my group. Some are high maintenance; some not so much. It is always fun with the girls, but the guys are all leaders of some sort and there just really needs to be some followers at times. I look forward to all the impending holidays.

Celebrations can be a myrid of emotions. I'm already getting "suggestions" for the reception and that is supposed to be low key. I'm sure if it wouldn't be too obvious, I could even get ideas for how to spend the rest of my life. That certainly has been known to happen in my circles. Ah. Every day is a challenge and reward. That's what makes each day interesting in my world.

MELTDOWN TIME

Being a girl is not my lifetime ambition. I always took it for granted that there were some emotions that came along with the job other than the obvious one. And, anyone who knows me knows that I don't cry easily. I guess I am more stressed than I thought because last night was a (as my mother would say) "doozy" of a meltdown.

The term "meltdown" has been bantered about in the last few years in the education field to cover erratic behavior in children especially when they behave badly. I felt it was a cop-out until it actually happened to me. Isn't that the way it usually goes?

Bob brought me home early from dinner, about 7 pm. As usual I was getting my costume ready for Wed, as it is supposed to be cold and I have to switch to my "turtleneck shirt, long pants, heavy sock, etc. I put on my night clothes, got under the covers and the tears just started. I don't know why.

I called Bob to tell him something I had forgotten and I couldn't stop the tears. Of course he wanted to know what was wrong and I couldn't even tell him for all the "sniffing and sob-sobbing. (I think I just wanted to hear his voice tell me it would be okay.) Who knows what he thought but he tried his best to calm me down and when I was somewhat coherent I explained to him that I didn't know "why" I was crying and that I didn't usually behave that way. He said he understood. I'm glad he did because I sure didn't.

Maybe I am too tired. Maybe all the planning is getting to me. I don't know. I DO know this - a good night's sleep will do wonders and I'm glad to report that I feel much better today. I get to go to the "most magical place on earth" and work with a fantastic team of people and that is always a good thing.

46 and holding

Planning is something I have a tendency to "over do" so it doesn't usually bother me any more when something doesn't go exactly as planned. As you know if you have been reading the saga of my impending wedding, Bob is a "seat of the pants" planner. (This marriage should be interesting) And, anyone who has ever gotten married or helped plan a wedding knows how much there is to do to get ready. Sooooo, in addition to working 5-6 days a week, I am also trying to get "all my ducks in a row" for this March 11 event.

We got the license yesterday and put a deposit down on an apartment. It is in the same complex as I now live-2b/2b. Bob will move in some time around the middle of February. We both like the neighborhood and it is convenient to both our jobs, so it seemed the "prudent and logical" thing to do.

The apartment complex DOES rent the clubhouse for events so that seems the best place to have the ceremony. Byron has cleared the date to be here. The next step is the caterer, and I am working on that.

Conversed briefly with Byron's wife Mary yesterday and he is leaving today for another trip to Israel. I told her to tell him to be careful. I need him here for March 11. They attended my first ceremony in Nashville in 1967. He performed the 2nd one in Florida in 1993. It seems only right that he should help me get married this time too. I did assure her that this was the LAST time he would need to be available.

There is so much love for Mary and Byron. They have been here for all "the good, the bad and the ugly" in my life but they have also been here for celebrations, uplifting events and yes, even the many weddings. They are longtime college friends and even if we don't communicate with each other on a daily basis, there is still that bond that keeps us together as friends. I can't imagine my life without them.

Bob is a hopeless romantic-something I am really not use to. (He denys it no matter how much I tell him) He brings me flowers, opens the car door for me (when I remember to let him), and has added many details to the planning of the wedding. He did ask me WHEN I knew I was in love with him. I told him when he took my hand on our first date. He returned with the comment, "I have loved you all my life; I just didn't know it until I met you." You gotta love a guy like that!

Unusual?

Bob asked me what type of ring I wanted for our wedding. I thought about it and decided that I didn't need diamonds or a plain band. I had those with my former marriage. I found one I wanted.

It is a gold band with "Mickey" heads on it. "Are you SURE this is what you want?" he asked. I assured him it was. We MET at Disney; We have DATED at Disney; it is only fitting that we have a Disney ring.

(The picture is not a good picture, but you get the idea.)

So, I have one for him to put on my finger. He has one he will wear on a chain around his neck. He can't wear it on his hand because of the dangers in his profession. He could catch in on some of the equipment and tear off a finger. That would certainly NOT be good.

Only 7 more weeks. I can't believe it. And, I can't wait.

It is all good

Things are progressing quite nicely from where I sit. Bob has met my older son, Tom, and it went well. It is really "surreal" introducing your son to your fiance. I can't believe this little boy that I gave birth to so long ago is the young man that was sitting across from me who is now grown, living on his own and functioning in his world.

I am very proud of both my sons. I can remember their childhood antics, the school-time years and the graduations for both of them-high school and college. I have a lot to be thankful for.

I am the typical "cancer", the crab person. Whenever threatened, I retreat, reflect on whatever has happened, and then crawl out of the shell and act accordingly. I have always been the sensible, level-headed person, who did what was supposed to be done and went where she was supposed to go. But not now. Bob says I sulk. I don't think that is it.

When I was in therapy, my counselor helped me work through the items of my life with a systematic, analytical way of looking at things. I try to do that now. I am about to make a major step in my life and I am trying to work through all of this that is involved. There is so much to do and with working 6 days a week, it doesn't leave much "extra" time to complete it.

Would I change anything? Maybe work less hours. Am I sure about this decision? I am more sure about this than anything I have done in several years. And you know, I can't wait to get started on this new phase of my life.

He asked.

Well, he asked me to marry him. I said yes. And, the date is set. March 11 @ 2:00 pm in Orlando, FL.

This is Bob

For those of you who have wanted to know what the new guy looks like, here he is. We were on Hudson beach this week-end and I took this with my phone. Bob is 5'6" tall, with brown eyes and works for a competitive theme park. And, he makes me laugh. (It has been a long time.)


I wanted to introduce him to Grouper and "Inn On The Gulf" has the best 'going' in this area. Long way to go for fish, but well worth it. BeBe is one of the waitresses. I've know her for years. She will take great care of you when you visit. I recommend the Grouper fingers. There is enough to share so I would advise getting only one serving. You might want to add a salad to share. My personal favorite is the Village Salad. Greek salad without the lettuce.


We also went to Tarpon Springs while in the area. It is one of my favorite places to visit locally and he had never been. I have so much fun introducing him to new places and things. Tarpon is a great place to get most anything. It is one of the few "quaint" villages left. Although the infamous Pappas Restaurant is no longer in business, you can get great food there at one of the local establishments. My personal favorite is Platkas.


I have a lot of Greek friends. One of them, Joseph who lives here in "O" town, likes the goat cheese that we can buy in a little market on one of the streets off the main drag of "Dodcanese Blvd". (I hope I spelled that correctly). So, of course, I had to get him some. He was working today and we took it to him at the park. We stayed for a while and had dinner there.


The parks are a great place to visit. We get in free, so the only expense you have to incur is for food. If you know where to shop, you can get great eats. This park is kind of special in that it is where Bob took me on our first date.


Tomorrow, which is already today by the way, he is working and I am going to church in the am. We are getting a new cleaning person and I have a lot to do before she arrives Monday. I DON'T clean before the cleaning person shows up, but neither Charles or I have been home much lately so there are things that definitely need to be put away, especially all the presents from Christmas, cds, etc.


Bob is going to church with me @ 6. We are having a group called "Shades of Green" singing and I thought this would be a nice way to introduce him to my church family. We can't stay long because he must be @ work by 4 and he needs to get SOME sleep. This will be interesting. He has not met either of "natural sons" nor has he met Bret, Julie and the girls. He knows how much they mean to me and he's a little nervous about meeting them. I have assured him that they only want my happiness so they will be excited to meet him. I pray this is true because I have a feeling he is going to be in my life for a VERRRRRRY long time and that makes me smile.

WHEN?

When is enough, enough? When will I be allowed my own time? And, when am I old enough to make decisions for myself?

Sometimes I feel as if I am 5 years old and I am too inept or too stupid to know when I am having a good time and what is best for me. Somehow I have made it all these "ahem" years and not done too badly. I have a fairly nice car, great job and pay all my bills on time. I have never had anything repossessed. I have tried never to buy anything I can't afford. And, even though I spend too much money, I go for months without buying anything. So why can't I pick out who I want to date, or even marry?

I don't know. It seems everyone thinks they know what is best for me. I wonder. Do they really or am I going to be left alone to make my own decisions and yes, even mistakes?

EXCITING

Events of late have made me stop and evaluate my status. At this age in my life, I think I should be able to see a view of life from an introspective way. I am over 50; I have a terriffic job; I can do most anything I like; I can go most anywhere I want. God is good. The only cog in this wheel of life for me was that I was lonely.

Let's face it. This is not a world of "single" individuals. It is TOTALLY geared for couples. And, God ordained it that way. Doing things together is a great way to spend an evening. Just walking absolutely no where is an adventure.

Seeing things from another person's perspective is kind of neat. It is exciting. And, it is absolutely eye opening. Did you know that the stars light up the night in no way street lights can? Did you know that on a somewhat cold night, standing next to someone you like can make you not so cold? And, did you also know that brown eyes can be more exciting than blue ones? Amazing isn't it?

I Was Wrong

Admitting that I am wrong isn't easy for me. It never has been. I think I get the attitude from my parents, WHO NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG IN THEIR LIVES. But in this case, I am glad to admit it. For me, apologizing has gotten easier over the last few years.

I previously said I didn't get a boyfriend for Christmas. Well, I was wrong. God DID send me a new "fellow." It was a real surprise to me when I discovered that I really do like him a lot. I didn't think it was possible to love again. One more time, I was wrong.

God has an amazing way of surprising me with the most wonderful presents. Thank you God.

The New Guy

Things are going VERY well. To be perfectly honest, this guy is not new at all. He is a guy that I have known since last April or May and we have been "talking" for a while. Just lately, we have chosen to know more about each other. And, I really like him a lot. We have so many things in common - where we work; music; ideas on politics; concerts, etc. We even both have Mustangs that we drive. So, what is the problem? I don't know if I am ready for this close of a relationship.

I pride myself on my schedules. I know where I am going; when I am going; and what I am going to do when I get there. Some would even say OCD, or worse! Bob doesn't fit that mold. He "flies" by the seat of his pants, or so he says. He actually asks my opinion on things and wants my input on decisions.

I know I like being with him. I know we talk about anything and everything. He seems to "know" me and even completes sentences for me, with the exact words I was thinking. How is it possible to know so much about someone in such a short period of time? I don't know. I do know this. It could be the start of something very good.

PS: It is now 3 am and Bob just called to say how much he enjoyed last night and that he misses me. (Isn't that sweet) He's on his way to work. This is good.

Headache or Heartbreak

Yesterday I mentioned a new guy I had met, and what a good time I had with him. Today he called me to see how I was doing. He knew I was upset about a friend's mother and he said he was concerned about me and my day.

I didn't have my phone today. I thought I had left it at home, but found out after I got home that it had slid down under my front seat, which is where I finally found it. I had 6 calls that I missed. I didn't even know he had called until I called a number that was on my phone. (I didn't have his number). It was really nice to hear his voice and for a little while, my headache, that I had had most of the day, went away. He makes me laugh and he wanted to listen about my day. So what is that little voice in the back of my head saying?

It is saying that:
1. He's not a Christian. One rule I have followed since Tom died is that I don't go out with guys that I could get serious with that are not Christians.
2. I really would like a chance with "J". He IS a Christian and I thought we got along well.
3. How will "the new guy" get along with my friends and family? ( "J" would fit in better).

I guess what I am saying is I shouldn't like him. But, I do. And I don't know how to deal with this.

Magic?

Dating people you work with isn't always a good idea. It can cause all kinds of problems that I won't go into. I don't usually make this a practice, but I made an exception tonight.

Kidding around with most of the people I work with is a daily past time. I am told I have a quick wit and I can go back and forth with the best of people. So, when this guy started kidding back and forth with me, I of course had some fast come backs. Well, he called and asked me to go to dinner at one of restaurants in one of the parks. I love my job, and I love going to the parks so it wasn't a far stretch for me to accept his invitation.

We ate @ an Irish Pub, rode rides, walked in the rain; very romantic. It's been a while since I've had an evening like that. Would I go out with him again? Yeah, probably. Will he ask? I don't know. But it would certainly be interesting to get to know him. We'll see how it goes.

To Do or Not To Do?

Confrontation is not easy for me. I come from a family of "avoiders." The philosophy, unspoken but practiced, is "Leave it alone. It will fix itself." This is not always the case.

I went to our storage space today and discovered that approximately 1/3 of our "stuff" is no longer there. When Julie and I went there to get the Christmas decorations in November, there were boxes from back to front and stacked up almost to the top of the space. No so now.

The remaining boxes were not stacked neatly, a lid was off a remaining storage bin, and there was more than enough room for the Christmas decoration boxes we were returning in addition to the three new large bins we had just purchased.

I'm not accusing anyone. I want to make that perfectly clear!!! But, the only people I know were in there were our cleaning people. The husband offered to return our empty Christmas boxes to storage for me. So, do I change the lock to the storage, change the combination to enter the area, have the lock to the apartment changed and notify the cleaning people that we no longer need their services? Or, do I just continue the way we are going and try to ignore the feelings I have?

There are decisions that I have to make. My son wants to be left out of it. He said to do what I think I need to do. Probably, if there had not been items I can not find in the apartment, I would ignore it.

I am forced to admit, "I have to do something." There are decisions to be made and I hate making them by myself. (Where is Tom when I need him?) Being a grownup is not all it's cracked up to be.