Sadness

Down deep, I know death is a part of life. That seems like a paradox, but yet it makes sense. I have received word that my husband's aunt just died. She was such a special person.

My in-laws were not really very happy when Tom and I were talking about getting married. Not so with Irlene. She was so approving of me without any reservations and welcoming me into the family with great warmth. She and Tom were a lot alike - gentle, accepting, with a funny sense of humor. I can't think of her without thinking of Tom's Grandparent's homestead in Highway, KY. They lived on what they raised. And man could they cook!!! I can almost taste all the great veggies they fixed.

I will miss Irlene. It is frequently said, "Oh they are in a better place." Never has that been more true for anyone, especially for her. She developed Alzheimer's a few years ago, and she really had not been "of this world" for many years. It was very sad. Now she is finally home. I know she and Tom are having a great reunion. I'm a little jealous.

'Twas The Day After Christmas

Christmas is now officially over. Did I get my boyfriend from Santa? Alas, "Ah - No!" unfortunately. I DID SEE "A Boyfriend For Christmas" that Hallmark replayed for the umpteenth time this holiday season. And, as cute as it was, and as sentimental as I am, it really didn't do a lot for me. And, I also didn't get a new computer or car or house. Whiny, huh?

As my good friend and fellow accountability partner Vickie would say, "Would I like a little cheese with that whine?" Yes, I am really pitiful!

Did I really expect all those things I mentioned? No. Not really. I DID get lots of nice presents (more than I deserved); spent time with close friends and relatives; ate too much, and also got some rest time, which are all positives. Now I can go back to work and get ready for New Years. I wonder if the New Year's Baby brings presents. "Hummmmmmmmm" If not, my birthday is in July.

Here Comes Santa Claus

Most holidays are pretty routine to some people; not in my household. NOTHING can be considered routine with the family.

As most everyone knows, I live with my youngest son. He, being an exec. does not have to work on Christmas, but I volunteered since I haven't small children and at the time of the sign up, I didn't know my sister-in-law and niece were coming to visit. Now the dilemma is to find a time when all of us can get together, and around my work time.

My older son had a birthday yesterday and chose to celebrate on Friday over here with us. He brought some friends and I think he had a nice time. We ended up with dinner @ a Japanese Restaurant in the park.

Being the type A, controlling personality that he inherited from his grandmother, (and maybe the way his mother used to be) he decided he wasn't driving ALLLLLLLLL the way back over here for Christmas. (approximately 1 hr) He doesn't have to go back to work until Tuesday. (As Julie would say, "Makes you want to go hmmmmm").

Yes; it would be easier on me, especially since I have to be @ work by 7:00 that day. And, Yes, I would really appreciate it. Is it going to happen? Probably not. Now I have to figure out how to pack another thing into an already busy week. But, it's Christmas and I DO want to spend time with him, and see my "baby dog" Carson. And, Tom is a great cook. So, I'll probably drive over there. I can always sleep at some later time.

I did ask Santa for a new boyfriend. That will be very interesting to see how that happens. I can't wait. Well, actually I asked Santa AND GOD. I figured I'd hedge my bet with the two "biggest" names I know. I have found out that in life it never hurts to cover all your bases.

My Life

Life is certainly interesting. Just when I think I know where it is going, I am surprised with where it went.

A popular country-western song right now is, "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" says Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful life. And, for the most part that is true. The surprises in my life certainly make things 'interesting, if not enjoyable.'

As I look back over this past year, I see twists and turns that I never saw coming. And, I see comfortable spots where I rested for a while. Life happens, even when I'm not ready for it. But I must say, I am truly blessed. It certainly isn't the life I would have chosen, but it's a "Wonderful Life."

SORRY IS A NECESSARY WORD

While on this earth and married to me, my husband Tom taught me many things. He taught me that kindness is always in style; mercy doesn't cost you anything; love is expanding; and saying you're sorry is especially necessary when you have acted like an idiotic, raving lunatic.

Last week I met a very nice man, that I will probably never see again. I totally embarrassed myself with him and unless a miracle occurs, something that could have been, isn't going to happen. He will never learn that I have a kind heart. He will not know how much I love helping people. He won't know what a good cook I "can be." But, most of all, he will never be able to know and love the real me. This make me sad.

Going beyond tired, I am weary. Tom always said I "overbooked my time," and I certainly have proven him right once more. It seems that the more tired I am, the "stupider" I get and the more mistakes I make. Even now, it is 4 am and I can't sleep because my mind is exploding with all the things that need to be done, half of which I probably won't be able to do simply because of time constraints.

My wise and talented Mother used to say, "Some people live and learn, and some people just live." (I still hear her words of wisdom even long after her demise.) I certainly haven't learned time management very well. Still, as we approach a brand new year, I believe there is always hope. Hope for humanity; hope for our country, and hope I can at least make it through the next few days of this year with a modicum of sanity.

Crazy Days

Work the last few days has been extremely hectic. I have recently been promoted and although I haven't "officially" been trained or moved into the position, responsibilities have been extended and expectations are being acknowledged. I really don't mind that, but I some times feel extremely "frustrated" by not being able to do some of the tasks. My friends seem to think I am have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and some times even a little anal about getting things completed. With that in mind, you can understand my frustration.

I still love my job though. There are actually times when I have a hard time believing that I am so blessed with all that I have and am able to do. I am living my dream. And, that is so totally cool.

911

Last night I had a friend call. She had set up a "blind" date for me. Normally, I decline, gracefully I might add, and I had lots to do on my day off, but I decided this had been a long time happening, so I might as well go ahead.

I have been singing in a local "Christmas" program with a "cast" choir. I have practiced since late August, and have actually sung many times. Guess where he wanted to go? You guessed it; the 5:00 performance of the program, and we were to do dinner afterward. I said, "Ah, okay."

I was okay with going because I really like the Christmas Story and I actually had not seen it from the audience seats this year. Imagine my surprise when I actually had a great time. This is one of the few "setups" by friends that went well. He is a very nice man and we seem to get along okay. He asked for my number and I got his. So what's the problem? He hasn't called!

I expected him to be so overwhelmed by my "charm, conversation, beauty, etc." that he would have a hard time getting home before he called. Well, maybe not that bad, but what is with men anyway? As a book title says, "Maybe he's just not that into you." It could be true. Oh well. Am I sitting by the phone, pineing for his call? No, not exactly. You see, I have a cell phone and I can pine while I am driving from place to place. Ah, modern technology. What would we do without it? (And, oh yes, I passed on dinner).

Dilemma

When faced with choices, I don't always make the right decision. For those of you who know me, I know that is hard to believe. But, for those of you who don't, this is a surprise. This is a serious one though.

I have a VERY close friend whose child is stealing from me. I know it. The child knows I know it, and they do it anyway. What do I do? If I let the parent know, I risk the chance of losing the friend. I would really hate to do that. If I don't, the child will continue. And, I can't trust them. This is one of those can't win dilemmas.

Two Turkey Days?

Eating at one Thanksgiving Day meal is quite a lot. But, two? I felt like we were doing a "Gilmore" Thanksgiving Day Marathon, but only on a smaller scale. I had forgotten to take pictures at the first celebration, but I took plenty at the second one, especially of Carson, my baby dog:


This is before eating, with Carson checking out all the food being put on the table.

This is Carson, after eating. He found he needed to relax also.

Tom decided to try to get Carson to move to another location. Carson wasn't moving. He likes to be the center of attention.

This is More relaxing after eating - Tom, Eric, Sonia, and Charles - Watching some sort of thing on tv.

And, last but not least, Betty, Ed's mother, the back of Ed's head, and Tom and Eric again.

Not a very energetic group. But, as we all know, it's nap time.

YUCK

This is the day before Thanksgiving and I am sick at home. Bummer, huh? I don't even know if I will feel well enough to go to a friend's house and celebrate tomorrow. She is a food editor for a very famous Theme Park and last year's dinner was amazing. And, I am missing work.

Speaking of last year, I DID end up in the hospital with pneumonia last year, so this is definitely better. I think I caught the infection soon enough. I started feeling worse yesterday at work and called the Dr's office for an appointment. Fortunately, she could see me. Diagnosis was bronichial, sinus, ear infection; the big three. So, I was sent home to go to bed and that is where I have been ever since I got home.

Today has been a very lazy day. I don't know when I have "rested" this much - laid around, did very little - washed a load of clothes, checked my e-mail, realphabetized the cds and eaten several times. It has certainly been interesting.

I have applied for another job in Research. It is one-step up, a little more money, and more responsibilities. I think I'm ready. We'll see if they are ready for me.

My friend Sherry has a guy she wants me to meet. His name is Jesse. She says he's a "snappy" dresser. I could be intiminated by this guy. I rarely go out with guys who dress better than me. It could certainly be interesting. We'll see how it goes.

I asked Kris to go to the Christmas Party with me. I sent him an e-mail, but he hasn't responded. I don't know if he has read it or not. "S" says he has been very busy right now, so who knows. Maybe he's just avoiding me.

My son is fixing some things to take to my other son's house for tomorrow. We're doing 2 T-day dinners; probably because one is not enough or just because we can. It should be a day to talk about. We'll see. Sounds like a "Gilmore" marathon t-day. They had 5 dinners one year. Thank goodness we're only doing 2.

My sister-in-law and niece are coming for Christmas. It is always great to have them visit. "L" and I are close and I really appreciate her for so many reasons. When Tom died she took his shirts and made me a quilt out of them. She is very talented and artistic. It is so beautiful. It was truly a labor of love. It is one of my prized possessions. I will always be grateful to her for that.

My son has gone to the store. He is picking up a prescription for me and getting some additional things for his "stuffing" he is making. If I don't die from over eating tomorrow, I'll have some pictures to post. We'll see how it goes.

I Love My Job

Each week is filled with memorable people. I get to meet people from all over the world and even though the faces start to run together, every once in a while there are some that just make you laugh out loud.

We happened to have a few such encounters the other night. I don't usually work nights, but Sat night Tony and I were working late and he stopped a lady to ask her for some information - "Are you over 18?" In bobble head fashion, she nodded yes. "Do you work here?" No, again bobble headed. "Did you eat breakfast, lunch or dinner here?" (The head was working over time) Yes. And before he could ask her another question, moving to within two inches of Tony's face, she blurted out, with two fingers held high in a "V" shape, "I VOTED FOR KERRY!!!" and walked on down the concrete toward the Exit. For the rest of the night, Tony and I HAD to use that as a response to most any question that we asked each other. We had a ball laughing.

Also that night, I was talking with a mother who was holding a child about 2 years old with another child, about 5 years of age, in a stroller. The younger child was babbling while we talked and the only thing I could make out was "water park." So I asked him if he was going to the water park. The older child spoke up and said, "No we're not going to the water park. We've already been; that's why my butt is so wet." That was my excuse for the rest of the night when something would go wrong. (I have found it helps to have excuses ready.)

[There should be a law against having this much fun at work.]

Oops

Once again, I have proved if a mistake can be made, I will do it. I entered my time wrong last night. This is very serious because the time has to be approved in order to get paid. I don't know about you but I like being paid for the work I do. So, I have tried to figure out what happened on Nov 4, and that will be hard because I have slept since then. I have a very smart pillow though, because most of what I learn during the day seems to seep out during the night. That makes it very hard the next day when my "short-termed memory" can't find the info. Sometimes you just have to "tap dance" and that is hard when you don't know how.

I went to another concert tonight. It was Jon Secada singing on stage. I really didn't know his music and was pleasantly surprised when his concert was over. The "friend" I was with tonight wanted to get something to eat afterward. His choice was MickeyD's. Not my favorite place; not many healthy foods there. He seems to like "fried" foods and the such. I'm not much on Mickey's food, but I found a sandwich and some fruit which at least seemed to be somewhat healthier than their other fare. I'm going to have to help him change his eating habits, slowly of course, because it's not only healthier but better for him, too. (We'll see.)

On the way home, I HAD TO HAVE the top down on my car. He thinks it's silly. So did Tom. I'm okay with that. Obviously they have never enjoyed a car as much as I enjoy my Mustang. Anyone who owns one knows "It's never too hot or too cold to have the top down." It's just common knowledge! I don't know why some people have a problem understanding that. It's really quite simple to me. And yet, it really doesn't matter, does it?

Concerts

Last night's concert with Chubby Checker was TOTALLY awesome. I don't know about you, but I love the "Motown" music of the 50s/60s. Last night was no exception. Chubby Checker is still a 'twister' and looks fabulous. He sang; he danced; he sweated, and so did we.

I also met a new friend last night. Her name is Ruthie. She is from NY and once worked where I do now. She misses Florida and hopes to get back here soon. We had a great evening as she fit right in with my group of friends, who are crazy and have fun. She took lots of pics and has promised to give me some before she leaves. (She brought her photo printer with her; smart lady)

I'm going to the Arabian Knights tonight. I'm not sure what that is all about, but our work group is going and we always have fun together. Sounds like a good time.

I'm trying to get into my checking account online. They are trying out a new computer system. It was supposed to have been working since Monday, but I haven't been able to access my account yet to see how it has been changed. I'm hoping this is not a sign of things to come. So far, I'm not impressed.

This bring me to one of my biggest, recent complaints - computer systems. Why is it the first few "whatever" times a new system is being used, it rarely works properly. Do they not "test" the system? Or, is it that it is filed under "It seemed like a good idea at the time." Who knows. I hated programming, but I do know - When it works, it's great. When it doesn't, watch out. Right now, I'm not happy with several different places that I can't access information from because they are launching new systems. Oh well. "Just another day in paradise."

Shangrala

I'm trying this new "health" plan. I read about it in some woman's magazine and it sounded easy and actually simple to do, so I thought, "Why not?" It is an interesting concept. It uses "sugar" are a catalyst to begin your day. In some way, it balances your body's minerals and suppresses the appetite. Too good to be true? I thought so too.

I bought the book, only $11.00. Not bad. If nothing else, I can just add it to my library. I don't know about you, but I have tried just about every "diet" plan that was ever invented, coming and going. Ever since I was a child, I have battled the weight problem. My weight has "yoyo-ed" all my life. I am sometimes jealous of the people I know that can eat anything and never gain any weight. Annnnnnnd, the really skinny ones are always talking about how fat they are, or how much weight they have gained. Sickening right?

I work with this cute young thing named Kim who wears a size 6 and constantly complains about how much weight she has gained. I don't think I wore a 6 when I was 6. Even though I love this lady, she hasn't a clue what it is like to be really overweight.

I've been "doing" the plan for about 2 weeks. I've not lost much, only 7 lbs, but I really do "feel" better. I don't get up in the morning aching any more. I don't get hungry, or the cravings like I once did, and I can "think" better than I use to before this plan. All in my mind? Maybe. If that is the case, then yeah, I'll continue this for a few more weeks to see what happens. Who knows? Maybe my mind will catch up with my body and they will both lose weight and function better. I can't wait to find out. (Stay tuned)

WHAT IS WITH THIS WEEK?

Why is it when you "think" you have your day all planned, it doesn't "quite" turn out like you thought it would? This seems to be the norm for me this week.

I had this, what I thought was, wonderful day planned for my son to celebrate his birthday, which was actually on Oct 20. He was supposed to be out of town, then he wasn't-he was home, then he didn't feel like partying because he was sick, then he went out of town again, and just got home Thursday.

On Thursday I went to a concert with this very nice man and was looking forward to dinner afterward. My son's flight was snowed in @ the Denver airport and it looked as if he wouldn't be able to leave. My last communication with him was that it didn't look good. I happened to check with the airline between the concert and dinner and found out his flight was not only in the air, but was only 30 minutes late, and I was 30 minutes away from the airport at that time. I had to change plans, and driving directions.

And, then today, with reservations again to celebrate, I couldn't get off of work. I worked until after 5 and only 2 people showed up to eat with him. I felt so bad; even his brother couldn't make it.

I must be "out of synch" lately. I don't know what is happening to my planning abilities. Maybe I haven't thought through my schedules, or could it be I'm "trying to pack too many things into one day" as Tom used to say, or could it be something else? I don't know, but whatever it is, I hope I can get things straightened out this week. If not, oh well. I'll just try to hold on.

My life as I know it

Life is certainly interesting. Where could you walk around all day, "chat" with people, and get paid for it? That is not even mentioning all the perks we get. One of those advantages is getting to enjoy mouth-watering ethnic cuisine, a wonderful concert by the Beach Boys, Three Dog Night, Gloria Gayner (her picture), or The Four Tops and great company with friends. All this AFTER work. I am still smiling.

In my world, I am constantly on the go. My son travels quite a bit and I have his schedule AND mine to work around. He just came back from a trip to LA/San Fran/Seattle/Vancouver. I picked him up at the airport and gave him the good news that his car battery is dead and so is the air conditioner in the house. (Kind of like giving your husband all the bad news when he hits the front door). I probably should not have done that so soon after his arrival, but he asked.

My love life is "null and void" right now. I've been attending concerts with a new friend and things are going well. We are NOT a "couple"; just friends attending concerts and catching some food before or afterward, but it's different to enjoy male company and not have to worry about the ending of the evening. I don't know if this will lead anywhere; probably not, but that's okay too. It's nice to have friends.

Sandwiched in between schedules is also "Processional" practice, church, Dr appointments, and a myriad of errands. Crazy, huh? To quote one country western song, "Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful life." That pretty much says it all.

So much to do; So little time

I have so much to do on my day off. My son was supposed to help some people get into a hotel and since he is in NY, I am doing this. I also have to make a trip to my old "stomping grounds" because of info I need for a presentation, AND, I have an appointment to get my "ugly" hair cut from my favorite guy, Larry.

Larry has cut my hair for the last 15 or so years, so he knows me very well. He is a genius, and an artist. He knows all the "nooks and crannies" on my head and compensates for them, the shape of my head, and even gets the blond streaks positioned nicely.

So you see, another busy day off. And, I am working on my other day off this week. Sounds rough? Not really. I love my job. The condo was cleaned today and all my clothes are caught up right now, so I really haven't any complaints, right? I just like to " express" myself, and this is my best venue.

Now that it is sufficiently late and I am winding down, it IS time to go to bed. So, like it has been said by another lady, "Tomorrow IS another day."

The Old Grind

With two days off, I feel like a slug. I haven't been to work in 7 days. SEVEN count them, SEVEN days. The last time I had seven straight days off I was working for the school system and it was Christmas of 2000. (I think)

Today I return to work. Not a heavy schedule, mind you; just 3 hours. Maybe that is good. I don't even know if my mind is still working. I haven't had to think, make decisions, or cook. Wow. That sounds pretty good just thinking about it.

Chicago was "interesting, if not enjoyable." I'm glad I went to Jen's wedding; it was totally awesome. I reunited with old friends. I met some new ones. I was even a tourist, somewhat. And, I totally spent too much money. But, as you know, I have a tendency to do that. Tom was my "string holder." I always compared us to a balloon and the balloon holder; we all know which was which.

I also have processional practice tonight and Friday night. I hope to make both. I was hoping to have a date Friday night, but I can't seem to fit it into the schedule. Oh well. It's only my life. And, as everyone knows, change is the one dependable thing in life, except for death.

More Chicago

Up Michigan Ave












Out our hotel window

Out a window at Sear Tower - Zero Visability.

I am so glad to be back in Florida. I got in my car today, put the top down, and "basked" in the sunshine.

WAHOO! I LOVE FLORIDA!!!

THE Event

Once again, while attending a wedding I am "led back" to my own weddings to face reality. This one was no exception.

It was raining. I got totally soaked from waist to foot. Before I left the hotel, I looked presentable. After that, all bets were off.

(The bride "to be" at the rehearsal dinner)

The chapel was small, but tastefully decorated. Most everyone was in black/white or shades and combinations of it. No oranges, no reds, not even "perky purple." It is Chicago in Sept. White was only present as accents.

I got to see old friends and make new ones. A couple I was reacquainted with I had not seen in 6 years. Such a long time especially when you think they only live less than 5 miles from us. Shameful. I hope to correct that when we return home.

The wedding coordinator was buzzing around; the flower girl was the usual cute little relative that "did her thing" and then tried to remove the pins holding her hair that was put up in curls. The reception, held at Maggianos, was more food and booze than I had seen for a long time. And, for all intents and purposes, a good time was had by all.

(The cake BEFORE)

Weddings make me nostalgic. My mind immediately goes back to my own. My first one (most everyone knows Tom and I were married twice) was simple; more so than this one. We didn't have a lot of money, neither did my parents. We didn't go to Hawaii for several weeks. We went to the "Smokies" for two days. Yet, I remember the day as if it was yesterday instead of 40 years ago. Maybe I reminisce because of the rain, because it was a similar night weather wise. Or, maybe the chapel setting, similar to ours. I don't know exactly, but I could see Tom at the altar instead of D. I could see Dr. Martin, instead of the pastor who was really there and I could hear me promising to "have and to hold, etc." instead of this young bride.

What did I promise? "til death do us part?" What does that really mean? Did I know how it would end? Not in my wildest dreams. I think a country western song says it best, "I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." And, when you get right down to it, "the dance" was way more than I could have hoped.

Downtown

Last night Carmen gave us a tour of downtown Chicago. She could be a taxi driving, extremely informational tour guide. She was awesome. She was in Florida for a while working with my son and they have stayed in touch over the years. Good thing. She was so good that I felt brave enough to "take on Chicago" by myself. And, I didn't do such a bad job because of her.

(This is Charles, Carmen and me @ Cheesecake Factory in Oak Brook after our tour of downtown.)

Charles let me out on North Michigan and I was to walk south about 30 blocks back to the Art Institute while he was in a business luncheon and meeting. There were so many things to look at between the two areas that I only made it back to the Tribune building, which is about 20 blocks.

I shopped. I took pictures. I ate a Chicago hotdog. I drank cappucino @ one of the "gadzillion" Starbucks that was available. And, then I shopped some more. I spent entirely too much money, but a lot of it is "return gifts" for friends and Christmas presents.

Downtown was a lot easier to manipulate than getting across 22nd Street here in Oak Brook. I really did feel like a tourist though.


(This is on the Interstate on the way to downtown)




Of course I had to visit the Apple store. Great 2nd story window showing out.

















This is the 8th floor Mall Area of Chicago Place, where I had my Chicago hotdog. There is also a "Chicago" store for souvenirs of Chicago and, of course, I "HAD" to shop for 'necessary things'.

The views out the windows were great.

This is a view off of one of the downtown bridges.

One of the "disadvantages"of touring is that it is also tiring. By the time I met up with Charles, I was pooped. And, we were to meet Kenny and Art about 6:15; not much time. We decided to return to the hotel. I quickly fell asleep. So much for museums today.

The Windy City

We made it to Chicago.

This is my view, AGAIN. Why is it that every time I go somewhere, this is my view for an elongated period of time. This is probably my lot, but here it is again.

This picture is looking out the plane window leaving Orlando. It was a beautiful sunrise, even through the raindrops.

It was 47 degrees when we arrived in the Windy City. I thought the pilot meant Celsius, but found out, too late, I might add, he meant Fahrenheit. I wanted to stay on the plane and return to Orlando, but they were going on to Vegas. That would have been okay.

I am freezing my "tocus" off. While my tocus can use reducing, I am also turning blue, which isn't very flattering.

I am so glad that I brought my leather coat with me. I reached in my pocket to get my beautiful, black, leather gloves, which match my black, leather coat so nicely, and pulled out my purple wool "Pooh" gloves. Not the same impact of course, but they ARE keeping my hands warm. (I cannot be cool all the time now can I?)

(Chicago from the airplane)

I need someone to play with. Charles is "schmoozing" in lunches and dinners and I am "whining" about the cold and lack of someone else with which to enjoy the town. It is so much harder to whine when there is no one to listen. I texted "S", a former friend, and she had absolutely NO sympathy at all. "Tough love, Baby!" (She is just right down mean!)

I think I will take "S" a souvenir of Chicago; maybe a stale pizza. She will be so grateful that I thought of her.

Wahoo!

It was crunch time. I had 2 hours on Monday before I had to go to work and I "DEDICATED" that time to hunting an outfit. I have always had good luck at Dillards so I headed there. I met this lovely lady named Carmen. I told her "alllllll" about my dilemma and she listened with what seemed all sincerity. And then said, "I think I can help you." I was her slave forever, or at least until I got out of the store.

She took me over to the "fru fru" area and showed me all kinds of outfits that had ruffles, etc. I looked at her and mustered up all my strength and said, "Aaah. Those are just NOT me. I'm not fru fru. I'm more of a pants person." She didn't bat an eyelash. "Okay then. Let's go over here." She took me to another section that had gaucho-type outfits. She showed me one that had flared pants made out of a a "silky" type material and a lacy top with jacket. The pants were fine, but the top didn't do anything for me. She knocked on the changing room door with another top and jacket and those were perfect; even made out of the same material as the pants. The whole outfit cost under $100 because it was on sale. (Isn't God good?)

The only thing wrong with the outfit was that the sleeves were too long. I rushed to the cleaners and begged, promised the moon, and finally talked the nice lady at the cleaners into hemming the sleeves for me to be ready the next evening. (I am so pitiful when I whine) I was ready to kiss her feet. Charles had to pick it up for me because I worked from 7 to 7.

I was up until about 11:00 washing clothes and packing, so when the phone went off at 3 am, I was very annoyed, to say the least. Drinking a Frapacinno and a diet coke didn't give me any energy at all. But I managed, with Charles' help, to make it to the plane, and sit down. I nodded off most of the trip, but couldn't sleep.

We are off on another adventure.

Drama Queen or Princess

I have never thought about myself as being a drama queen, but lately my life has taken on a "persona" all of it's own. Things just seem to happen to me. I'm just standing and watching it go by. Am I being too sensitive? Maybe. But, maybe not.

The latest things are trying to work 75 hrs in one week, and working 14 straight days without a day off. It also seems people are trying to hit my car with their cars. I keep dropping things. I fell asleep during Toby Mac's performance @ NOJ, and last but not least, I CAN'T FIND A DRESS FOR THE WEDDING IN CHICAGO!!! And, I have no time to shop and no days off before I leave.

Am I pitiful or what? The world as I know it is not going to end. I WILL eventually get some sleep. I WILL go to Chicago. I WILL have a great time. The wedding WILL go on as they have planned.

Who could I get to go shopping for me to get an outfit? I need a personal shopper. Are there some listed in the phone book? I don't know, but there should be, especially when I so desperately need one. Am I being too snooty? Am I being too melodramatic? Is it all about me? Yeah. Sometimes it just is.

Dear Tom

Dear Tom:
How are things with you? I miss you terribly and wish you were here. It seems like only yesterday when I last saw you. I'm sorry, but I am starting to forget. The first thing I forgot is your special "smell." It was kind of a sweaty, clammy feeling that you had and you tasted salty when we kissed.

But I DO remember - your beautiful blue, sometimes grayish eyes that twinkled when you smiled, your broken tooth, and the way you peeled apples for me as a snack. I also remember the "through the eyebrows" look you would give me when you were upset with me. Charles has that look. And, he uses it.

He reminds me so much of you - his smile, his broken tooth, his generosity and sense of humor-all your traits. His intelligence and attention to detail is also yours and he blows me away sometimes he is "so" you. He's also gracious, and like you, if he ever gives his heart away, it will be completely.

I still haven't figured out why you loved me. Even when we were @ our worst, you loved and forgave me. How "Christ-like" you were. I learned so much, but I think the most important thing was the unconditional love you always showed.

It will be very hard to find someone that can compare to you, but maybe I need someone NOT like you. I'm not sure where God is leading me, but I know I am lonely. I loved being married, especially being married to you.

I hate dating though. It's kind of a cruel joke to be married and enjoying the experience, and then you die and I'm all alone. So where do I go now? HUH?

I recently met a nice Christian man named Kris. He doesn't make my eyebrows sweat, like Barb says, but neither did you when we first met. He is fun to be with, and he will make a great friend. It is kind of spooky how much we are alike. He even decorated his bathroom in the "beach scene" like I had.

Charles and I are going to Chicago next week for Jennifer's wedding. I am excited about the trip because as you know, I have never visited there. I like traveling with Charles because we always do fun things. With the hours I'm working right now, I can really enjoy the time off. I will have worked 14 or 15 straight days with no days off. (This was supposed to be a part-time job. )

I'm really thankful for my job though. In addition to the money, it allows me to do "other" things; extra things, so I don't really mind even the full time. This is CES time and I have been moving from place to place, but it IS different from my usual work.

Tom III is doing okay, I guess. I rarely see him, but we talk at least once a week. I miss doing breakfast with him and of course, seeing Carson. He changed jobs recently and is working in Tampa for a health care company. He says he likes it and still free-lances, but I don't think he works his own company as much as he was.

They also moved - He and Edward - into a small house, not too far from their old apartment house. He likes St Pete and seems to like his neighborhood. I hope he's happy. In once sense, though, he will never be happy until he surrenders his life to the Lord. I pray someone can reach him with their kind words of guidance. I don't think they go to church anywhere. You know how I always want to "fix" things; one of my many flaws.

I still want to go to school - maybe that will happen - I don't know. Linda is right though, I need to either do it or shut up about it. I still have dreams and aspirations, as you know. I still want God's will. The frustrating part is - I don't know what it is yet. I want to know "the plan." I want to have it mapped out - You know me.

It's really hot here now, but we are heading into fall so we "should" be getting cooler weather soon. At least with this present job, I'm inside most of the time with a/c.

Charles and I are still living in his apartment. I'm "so" wanting to move, even to a rental house, just out of here. We're gone a lot, so it should be ideal but it needs paint, new carpet, etc. - I could go on. But, I like living with Charles. He's easy, but a "slob" - just like you. In so many ways, it's like having you here, but NOT!!!

I find that I am better off NOT "what iffing." Jeff is a nice guy, but God said - ABSOLUTELY NOT! Even if I wanted to have a relationship, Jeff is probably not interested and God is definite. I scare Don. "Little Dan" just likes to talk about his trains, and Mike is no longer in the picture. So, who? And, if not a who, then what? or where?

I like Metro Church. I'm not sure you would like it though - no band or orchestra, but beautiful worship music. It speaks to my heart and so do Dan's sermons. The sermon Sunday was entitled "The Lost Boys." He always has a slant to his way of looking @ scriptures. I am usually convicted and that is not always a bad thing. Dan is usually right on target for me.

You would like Brett and the girls, especially Kayla and Kinzie - They just grab your heart. They have me right where they want me. There isn't much I wouldn't do for them. Brett is like another son and he has music "oozing" out of his pores. And Julie, his wife, is so me, especially when we first got married. But, she IS learning, and she's like a daughter to me. The family is so much fun. I just love them to death and I know you would too, especially the little girls. I'm sorry you didn't get to know them.

I wanted to tell you a few things - I don't know why - I just did. I still love you, honey, with all my heart, and I wish you were here.

Ernesto-Best Case Scenario

When I worked in the Florida school system, in my other life, I enjoyed days off due to weather or whatever happened to be the "reason de jour." We didn't have may days off due to hurricanes. The last time was 2 years ago and it wasn't a joyous time then. We had families displaced, children sleeping in cars for lack of housing, and not enough food to go around.

It is different when it is in "your neighborhood." It isn't fun and it's not fun-ny. I'm sure all of Florida residents are breathing better today when we saw Hurricane Ernesto's winds die down and it is being downgraded to a tropical storm. We DO need the rain though. We have been in drought conditions for several months. So, once again, God knows best and has sent the rain we needed and not the stormy winds.

My department is not working today and I WOULD HAVE HAD a day off, but IT IS my day off so, I missed out on that today. But, that's okay. I'm glad to be safe and dry inside my condo. I intend to do "rainy day" activities - eat, read, watch "chick-flick movies", and eat some more. So, all in all, a good day off.




(This is the view from my condo
window. Neat, huh?)

Routine?

There is a lot to be said for routine. I personally believe in it. It is a comfort and a distraction both at the same time. My husband used to say he liked his "rut" and preferred to stay there. I'm beginning to believe he was right.

The trip to Nashville brought back a flood of memories. That was where my "life" began - I went to college there; I met and married my husband of 36 years there - Our life together began there. I expect a funeral to be sad, but it was as if a raw spot in my heart had been opened again. And, I didn't even realize how rough it would be.

I went back to work yesterday and the routine of my work and the connection with the people I've come to love helped to restablize my "now" life. It was a comfort to put on my "work" clothes, boot my computer, and walk out "on stage" to talk with people from all over the world.

At a prescheduled meeting I went to, I got to see many of my "now" colleagues and to touch base with some I had not seen in a while, and that too was a comfort. My job helps me to focus. And, in many ways, it has helped to recenter me and "create" a new life.

I have the best of both worlds though. I still get to see old friends from my "former" life and that is tremendous, but I also have made new friends that I can fraternize with, even after work. One of my newer (not a work person) friends is having a birthday party on Sunday.

It is important for me to be there. I don't mean entirely for him, because he will have a "gadzillion" people there as he is such a special guy. It is important for me to see him and wish him well. I need the connection and the party atmosphere. Also, his sister is a tremendous cook. At this time, I can only dream of all she will have prepared for her "baby" brother's celebration. Need I say more? I think NOT!

NEW DAY/PREVIOUS PROBLEMS

My nephew Chris called yesterday to say that my father-in-law had died. He was approximately 85 and had been in a nursing home for a few years. My youngest son and I are leaving tomorrow for Nashville to support my sister-in-law and family.

I can't even verbally express all the emotions that are swirling in me. In a lot of ways, this is an ending to a life that I didn't know very well, but was introduced to through his son. In other ways, this brings back all the old emotions that I thought I had dealt with when my husband died.

How we deal with death is different for us all. I readily admit that I don't deal well. My "daughter" Julie texted me at the same time I was texting her - her brother-in-law dropped death of an apparent heart attack. She left for Atlanta about the time Charles was making arrangements for us to go to Nashville. She too is dealing with all the emotions loss brings.

I love my sister-in-law and family. She was so there for me when Tom died. I could never express how much she helped me and bolstered me at that time. I don't know exactly what I can do to help her now. I only know I HAVE to be there. The only thing I can really do is pray; pray for both families; pray for guidance; pray for wisdom. And, if you read this and you would feel inclined, you could remember all of us during this time. We would certainly appreciate it.

Is Today Only Wednesday?

Today was supposed to be a busy day. Instead, I got to rest and watch TV. It was "interesting, if not enjoyable." I didn't know there were so many inane shows. I rarely get to see programming during the day any more. It's probably because I am usually at work most days. I am suddenly very happy about missing it.

My friend Vicki called this morning. She always provides a smile for my day. We have been friends for probably 10-15 years and our lives parallel in many ways. She has 2 daughters-I have 2 sons; her daughters are about the same age as my sons; she's married to a "somewhat" quiet guy-I was too; she loves her family-so do I; she lets me "crash" @ her house when I need to be in that area, and visa versa; we use to go to the same church when I lived on the other side of the state, and she accepts me just the way I am. Man! THAT IS A FRIEND.

She is in the process of quitting her part-time job to become a full-time grandma. She has been getting her 2 grandsons off to school every school day for a year or so, and now that her youngest daughter is about to have a child, she will be taking care of ALL four children (she has inherited a child from her daughter's boyfriend that she now also drops off to school.)

She is amazing to me. She always has everything under control; she's a good cook; allows her husband to be head of the family; works outside the home; travels back and forth to Orlando when her parents call, and still has time to be a friend when I need her. I have learned a lot from her - All good!

Sunday Again?

Today is Sunday and I chose NOT to go to church today. I do not do that lightly, or without the "churning" emotional years of guilt-ridden "parenting" from my mother. I was "programmed" from birth to ALWAYS go to church, especially on Sunday morning. It was routine. It was expected. It was even mandatory at times!

For anyone who bothers to keep up with my life, it has been hectic. That seems to be my MO (method of operation) lately. I go from one project and long night to another with little or no relaxation or sleep in between. It's no wonder that I am tired, plus the heat I work in and the extra days I am now doing, I guess it is inevitable. I just don't like feeling tired. (My husband would have said that was a good sign I was fairly normal) But - I don't like missing church.

I am grown; an adult and I CHOOSE to go to church on Sunday mornings. This particular church I am now attending is where I need to be. The staff is caring; people nurturing; varied educational programs ; and, the pastor teaches most every service EXACTLY what I need to have in my life at this time.

YET - I have a pile of laundry that needs to be folded and put away; my bedroom is a shambles and driving me crazy; the sink is full of dirty dishes and here I set with my, what serves as my nightshirt on, watching "Must Love Dogs" for the 49th "gadzillionth" time. I can almost recite the dialog. I just don't want to move.

I seem to need some justification for what I am doing and what I'm not or should be doing. My mind says one thing and my emotions say another. Why can't I just set here and rest? Inbreeding? Training? "My mother's voice?" Who knows. The bottom line is just "I'm tired" and I don't want to do anything else!

Encore

The last few weeks have been hectic, to say the least. I am now working full time and since I left teaching, I really haven't wanted to work this hard, but here I am again, "back in the saddle" so to speak.

One of the perks of my job is being allowed to attend great events that are presented "on property." Thursday night I went to one of those happenings. It was presented by employees - singing, dancing, comedy routines, and those playing instruments in the orchestra all done for the cause of Juvenile Diabetes Research. Even the people who ran the sound equipment volunteered, and of course the venue was free, compliments of our company. It was one of the most outstanding concerts I have been to in a very long time. It was hard to believe that they were NOT professional performers. I am so sorry you missed it. The music of Stephen Schwartz, who was responsible for the music for Pippin, Wicked and many of our own successful animated pictures, was outstanding. Truly a talented, gifted person.

Some would say what I do all day is not working. My older son says I almost have a real job. Be that as it may, I am outside each day for approximately 6 hrs in the blazing FL sun. Temperature index at work yesterday was 106. THAT IS HOT!

Why do I do it? I could probably live on my present retirement income. My younger son takes very good care of me and I suppose I "COULD" take it easy and not work, but what would I do every day?

I could volunteer. I could just work a part-time job. I could even run around and have fun, except most everyone I know is busy working or have prior commitments. So, why not work? And even better, why not enjoy what you do? Not many people can say that. And, the "perks" are UN-BELIEVE-ABLE!

To Do or Not to do

Anyone who knows me, knows there is very little I wouldn't do for my two little "nieces" K and K. They are so wonderful and I love them so much. So when they decided they had a great idea - that was to end the summer hiatus by going to a local theme park (not one of ours) - of course, I knew it was my job to make it happen. (The pictures were taken on several of the rides we experienced)
Several months ago, when we first visited that park, "WE" decided to invest a few more bucks and get a "year pass." Of course, all we had to do this time was drive over there ( for 2 hrs one way) and once more lay out our day's agenda. And, we did!

I needed to be in the 98 degree weather, walking all over, and not resting on my day off. My bathing suit faded on one of my white shirts and my new beige shorts, my clothes were "melted to me" and I drank so much to keep cool that I visited EVERY restroom in the whole park.

Yeah, you're right. We spent the whole day, just the girls and me. I HAD AN AWESOME TIME!!!

Who moved?

I was talking with some friends tonight about their "errant" son. They have tried to raise him correctly, "in the church." They have given him all the wonderful comforts of this world and tried to help him every step of the way. They have expended thousands of dollars trying to keep him where they think he should be. They have left some necessities of their own "by the wayside" just to provide for this kid. And what has he done?

He has chosen instead to barely get through HS; flunk out of college wasting a $50,000 scholarship, not to mention what they invested, and lose or damage most every piece of electronic equipment they have provided for him in the last few years.

The question "Why?" comes to mind. Why would he reject all his teachings? Why would he deliberately choose to throw away a "free" college education that was his "just for the asking?" Why would he leave home and not even let them know where he is or what he is doing? Doesn't he know he is breaking his parents' hearts? And yet...

Isn't this just what we do with God? He offers us the very best of everything; He provides us with abundant living; He holds out His plan for our lives and says, "Here. This is what is best for you, and all I ask is that you love me." And, we choose to do "our own thing." We are so much smarter! WE KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR US. And so, we go a different way. Don't we know how we are breaking our Father's heart? Evidently, we don't care either.

I have been convicted lately of some lines I have crossed with respect to what I know I should be doing, or not be doing. Oh, nothing outlandish. I haven't stolen anything; I haven't lied about anyone; I still try to do all the "churchy" things I am supposed to do, but I know God is telling me I'm not where I should be and I am "drifting" farther from THAT line. NOW! What do I intend to do about it?

Replacement is NOT an Option

The cushion I need to help me see over the hood of my car is waaaaaaaaaaay beyond used. Many would say, to "infinity and beyond" just needing help. Several friends have even offered to buy me a new one. These truly ARE well meaning friends. And, I know they love me.

"It doesn't go with your car" they say. "It is not only ragged, but putrid looking" they say. "Can't you afford a new cushion?" they ask. The truth be know, I actually like my cushion JUST THE WAY IT IS!

IT IS raggy looking. IT IS probably passed it's prime (who isn't.) It doesn't "class up" my sporty mustang convertible. It might even be a detriment to all those guys who like to be seen in a hot, red car. I keep it because I like it. I like what it stands for. I like it because it reminds me of where I came from. But, most of all, it reminds me of how I use to be. And. I need those reminders to keep me grounded and focused.

The Party's Over

My son has been gone for 4 or 5 weeks working in Hong Kong. And, if you read the title of this entry you would think I'm not happy about his return, and the TOTAL OPPOSITE is true. I have reallllllllllllllly missed him. If his trip has taught me anything, it is I DON'T LIKE LIVING ALONE.

While that discovery is not earth shaking in itself, it is eye opening for me. I always thought of myself as independent; a loner; not needing anyone and capable of "doing my own thing." IF that was once an accurate statement, and you know how delusional I can be working and living in "fantasyland" in the "state of confusion", it is no longer true. And, that scares me a little.

I can't imagine being married to another man and being that intensely in love again. For me, and having my Christian beliefs, living with someone and not being married is DEFINITELY NOT AN OPTION!!! In fact, after reading the book by Josh Harris "I Kissed Dating Goodby", I agree with his statement that "even kissing is not done until after marriage."

With all these "discoveries", and now finally admitting these things, where does that leave me? Basically, in God's hands. How many middle-aged men are there with my life-style and Christian beliefs out there looking for companionship? I can tell you - Not Many, or at least NOT in my world.

BUT. Today is a beautiful day and I'm meeting a friend for a "stroll in the one of the parks". Life can't get much better. HUMMMM. You know, being in God's hands is the perfect place to be. He loves me and I am blessed.

Escaping or Readjusting

This is "ME" looking directly into the sunlight, at a recent "Team Builder" exercise.

I love working with these guys. They are great and we actually enjoy being with each other. This picture was taken on top of a hotel in which we were touring. It is so great to be able to see things from the "inside" and learn about the history of the site. I am still amazed with all the "ins and outs" of running such a large place.

Today is my "Sunday" and I have been able to get some things done that I had been putting off until "I could get around to it." I even washed my car.

Jeff promised that he would come and help me, but he didn't call to confirm, and I was running out of time. He works all day and is off on Sat and Sun. HUMMMM! (What's wrong with these schedules?)

I am supposed to go to dinner and a movie with a friend tonight. I don't know if I will cancel or not. I went out for lunch and a movie yesterday with another friend. The movie was "The Devil Wears Prada." SOOO VERY PREDICTABLE, all the way through.

I saw "The Lake House" two weeks ago, and then went back last week to see it again. I'm not sure if I like it or not, but it was interesting. I like a good mystery and that one certainly left a lot of "unanswered" questions in my mind. I think I might buy it just to see it from time to time.
One movie I will DEFINITELY buy is "Over the Hedge." That one is so terribly funny. "Hammie" reminds me of me. His attention span is so short that he can't concentrate on any one thing long. I do that some times, out of choice. I think it started when I got bored in church. My youngest son said he could always tell when I was tuning out the sermon. I started balancing my checkbook. I don't "physically" take out some thing and start another task now, but I can mentally move to something else while attending a meeting or even a party.

Some of that is "escapism" and some is self-preservation, but you know, sometimes it is just plain lack of interest. I think I better start concentrating more, especially in meetings here. They might just volunteer me for something and I won't even realize it.

Enough is Enough

I think 5 days of whining and complaining are probably enough for anyone, and so, I think I'm over my "birthday" debacle, or "BLACK WEDNESDAY" as I prefer it to be called. So, on to bigger and better things. (At least, I can joke about it now.)

Jeff, at work, calls me a "spoiled brat." And, for the most part, I guess he is at least partially correct. I AM spoiled, and some times I do act a bit "bratty", if that is a word, but it works for me, or at least in my world. That is probably why I like my job so much. I get to go to the "Happiest Celebration on Earth", walk around talking with people all day, and I get paid to do it. If I had only known this was available years ago, I would have been here sooner.

But, Jeff is only partially right. I love "doing" for people. I loved providing for my husband. I loved waiting on him "hand and foot" and having his dinner ready when he got home, and buying things for him that I knew he liked. I REALLY liked having a family and being married.

Maybe one day, someone who likes slightly graying, overweight, fun-loving women will notice and say, "She is someone I would really like to get to know." [I wonder how long it will take Jeff to finally realize he can't do without me.] Oh well. I can only hope.

Filed under what I should have done

Birthdays are VERY special to me. I love the attention on that day. Friends lie-say you don't look older; they bring presents; I have extra special goodies; everyone sings; ALL JUST FOR ME. I should have listened to my first instincts. I should have stayed in bed!!!

The day started beautifully. I had a friend call about 7 am and wish me a happy birthday. (So far, so good, right?) I got a shower and was dressing when my oldest son called to wish me a happy birthday. (Good?) Received several "e-mail" cards. (Another upper, right?)

Got to work. Exciting things happened - Kiss from Jeff (that was worth going to work on my day off); wishes all around; team builder tour over at the W Lodge and lunch (Rough job, huh?) On the way back, the clouds started forming and just seconds before reaching the dock, we had a cloud burst. We were totally soaked. It rained about 2 hours. We finally ran for the "break room" and waited it out before trying to get home. (This is a long time for one of our summer rains.)

(This first picture was taken from the top of the W Lodge facing toward G F Hotel.)

And then I had a call. My plans for my birthday dinner were cancelled. I had previously turned down several invites, rearranged other plans, and was really looking forward to having a great birthday dinner. Talk about depressing; disappointed; and whatever other downer emotion you can insert. So, I have spent the evening alone, watching reruns of Gilmore Girls, and eating leftovers, and basically feeling sorry for myself. And, of course, crying.

On a more positive note, I had a great dinner last night with a totally delightful man, so I can ALMOST shift my emotions to that as a birthday celebration.

Naw. It isn't the same. I am bummed.

(This picture was just before the storm finally broke)

Cancer Crab

In typical Crab fashion, on today my birthday, I would just like to go hide somewhere and avoid everyone. I do that very well. Amazing things happen when you turn off your cell phones, and yes, I have two of the pesky things. Some time I will explain why.

But, I will get in the shower, dry off, dress accordingly, go get my allergy shots and do the right thing and show up for the festivities. Why when I hate it so - I love my friends and family. It makes them happy to do it, and

IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

My Hero

I have always admired Winnie the Pooh. Think about it - He is always happy; isn't bothered by his weight or anything else for that matter; lives to eat and sleep; and is totally accepted, just the way he is, by all his friends. He just kind of drifts from adventure to adventure and enjoys it all.

For the most part, that basically describes me. My oldest son, Tom, says I live in "Fantasyland in the State of Confusion." That usually works for me. But, lately though, probably because another birthday is only 3 days away, I have been "pondering" my life and there seems to be something missing. I'm not even sure what it is. I AM bothered by my weight, the wrinkles, and the grey that is creeping into my formerly dark hairline. And, the fact that I don't have any "special" man in my life. Don't get me wrong. I don't need a man to feel complete, but I do like the companionship. I HATE doing things by myself.

I usually consider myself blessed though - I have a fantastic job, great place to live, wonderful friends who accept me just the way I am, 2 tremendous sons who take care of me, and for the most part, tolerate me and allow me to live a very comfortable lifestyle and yet...

But, I like order and structure in my life and when something is "out of order" I try to fix it so it will be "balanced" again. I can't seem to fix this "feeling." This big empty feeling that gnaws at me from inside my heart. I tolerate it; I ignore it; I even embrace it at times, and yet...


My son, Tom, sends me "puppy pictures" from time to time and recently he sent me this one. These are my 2 "granddogs" Carson and Joey. Carson is the older of the two, but they both are great pets and are so excited to see people, especially me.

They certainly have the right philosophy though. Fill your days with eating, drinking and resting. I think this is a great idea. I just need to lay down on the couch and enjoy the day. I will begin right now! I have learned so much from my "fury" friends.

There's always a first

I did something yesterday that I said I'd never do - I called a man for a date. That in itself isn't so terribly out of character for me, for I often do impulsive things and regret them later, but I actually was disappointed he didn't even call back. So, on my first try, I strike out.

I am actually beginning to question my "date-ability" mainly because of friends who are trying to "fix me up" and the candidates to whom they are introducing me. One friend called and said she had 3 "possibilities" for me but she had a few questions first -
1. Did he have to have teeth? When I said "YES!!!", she said "Oh well. That eliminates one."
2. Did he have to speak English? I again said, "YES!!!" Elimination #2, and
3. Does ethnicity matter? That was a no.
So, I guess some time next week I am to meet this person for whom she thinks I would enjoy "dating".

I don't usually call what I do dating, for to me that implies interest in something more, possibly leading to marriage. And, I am really NOT searching for a spouse, so I usually say I just have an "appointment" with someone. Terminology matters to me, at this point.

All of this recent interest in the opposite sex has led me to "jump to some interesting" questions and conclusions:

Am I dateable?
What "personna" do I project?
What DO I want other people to know about me?
And, will I call someone again?

Who knows.

I suspect my husband is standing somewhere watching me and having a great laugh out of all this. That would be just like him.

93 Degrees w/99% Humidity

The last few days have been "interesting, if not enjoyable." I was to begin my weekly rotation, starting on Sunday; went to church, came home; ate a bite; got ready to go to work; got in my car; got more than half-way there and "threw up." I don't know about you, but that really spoils my day, especially when it is in my car. Fortunately, I had a "gadzillion" napkins and paper towels in my car to keep from making too big of a mess. I don't know what it was, but I felt like "something the cats drug in and refused to eat", as my mother would have said. I contacted a Manager on Duty, and she sent me home.

All I could think about was, "I have plans with friends on Wednesday; I can't be sick." I came home, got in bed, tried to get warm, and fell asleep. About 11:30 pm my son texted from Hong Kong. He just left several days ago. (Yes, he had to go back) He had lost his blood pressure medicine, he left his "flash drive" and he wanted me to send "Goo Goo Clusters" and "Moon Pies." After texting back and forth about the meds, I decided it was too late to worry about them last night, and I was still queasy, so I told him I'd take care of it today.

Can't find the meds. He had just gotten a new prescription filled with 3 months worth of pills and, of course, he has to have them. So, after working a 4-hour shift today, (still a little queasy) I contacted the pharmacy and then had to contact the dr's office, with little or no results; ran all over our section of Orlando, in a torrential downpour (lightening and thunder) to no avail finding the Goo Goos or Moon Pies.

The prescription will be ready soon; I have no idea where to get the "goodies", but I am really looking forward to 2 days off and my dinner with friends on Wednesday. The only other thing that would be more exciting is if I also had a date to go with me. Oh well. First things First.

Dying Hurts

I just found out my friend, Tom, who had cirrhosis of the liver, died last Friday, May 26. I don't know whether I am crying for Tom, or for the fact that I miss him, or that I didn't get to go to his service. Either and all are painful.

He was such a sweet, gentle man. I talked with him on that last day. (I just didn't know it was his last day.) I was supposed to have been up there the week-end before and he had promised he would grill some steaks for me. [There's nothing sweeter than a man that will grill for you.] I didn't get to go up that week-end. He was in the hospital then. Later, when I talked with him, he sounded groggy, but very upbeat.

I think I am ANGRY. Angry at me for not realizing he was that sick; angry at "Tallahassee Tom" for not telling me how seriously ill he was; angry at the people in Tallahassee for not telling me sooner, and maybe even angry at God for letting him die.

One of things I have learned, especially in the last 5 years with the death of both of my parents, my husband, and two very close friends - Pete, and now Tom, is - LIFE IS SHORT! Too short to worry about little, annoying things; too short to argue and complain; too short to expend energy staying angry, and definitely too short not to live to the fullest, every single day! And, you know, that is exactly what I intend to continue doing.

A day in the life

Today is a day off. I only have a few more days until I start working full time. Interesting, isn't it? I moved to Orlando, and took a job a few days a week, just to earn a little more money, and now I'm going full time, with extra duties as a trainer, and, well, who knows what else that will lead to.

I have "mixed emotions" with the impending event of full-time work again. I am already working 4 or 5 days a week, so logic says, I should make it official and enjoy all the extra benefits. Then my lazy side kicks in and says, "Yeah, but you could always take off when you wanted to do so, and those extra off days are reallllllllllllly nice". We'll see.

I have all sorts of errands to do today - get some money from ATM, call insurance co., pick up gift for party tonight, run to get another pair of pants that goes with my uniform, and the list goes on. The different pants are necessary because I split my shorts last night "after" I arrived home. And how, might you ask, did I do that? It seems to be very easy for me. In order to get them to fit "around", they end up being too long. When it's sticky and hot outside, the clothing sticks to my body and when I bend down, the seam splits.

It helps to also know that the clothing has been "used" quite a bit and they are old, but I still have to work next week so I'll go by and pick up another pair today, just adding to my list of things to do. (And, right in the middle of "blogging", my son called and asked me to help him get friends into the park, like RIGHT NOW! You know - I NEVER realized how much extra time I had Charles expend when I had him get me into the park all those years before I started working there. He has NEVER once complained. He is so awesome. God was really good to me when He allowed us to have my sons. I am sooooooooooo grateful for both of them.)

Don't get me wrong, I actually like driving around doing errands. The weather here is beautiful, I have a mustang convertible, and with the top down it is an unbelievable feeling of almost flying.

For some reason, emotions are running high all around me right now - my son is getting ready to go back to Hong Kong for a few weeks and there is a rush to get everything ready for that. A friend's closest companion, her dog, died this week. I have had several friends e-mail or call for prayer and "LIFE" is very intense all around me. And, it seems when I try to get something done so many things crop up to add extra work to my timeline. Oh well. Again, that's Life.

We are going to Bonefish tonight for Bret's birthday. Again, I am so blessed with wonderful people. Bret and Julie, and the girls are such a wonderful addition to our family. I could never explain how they have enriched and broadened all the experiences of my life. They have moved into my days and added "excitement" and busyness. And, I love them as if they had always been there. I'm looking forward to tonight.

Oops. Forgot to stop at the ATM.

Can't Explain it

About a year after my husband's death, I met a man that I was interested in and thought he was interested in me. He ACTED interested. He visited me @ my place of employment (I was working retail at the time); he called me; we went out to several restaurants and he wanted me to be interested in his job also. This sounds all quite innocent, right? He was a "respectable" man of the community and we did not want any "impropriety" on anyone's part, so we tried to keep a low profile. Then one day, he quit calling. He visited my store when I wasn't there, and asked my boss about me and found out my mother had just died. He said to convey his condolences. That was it. That wasn't weird enough, but he called a close friend of mine and even accused me of stalking him. I didn't understand it then, and I certainly don't understand it now. But, I saw him again Friday.

The mind is a strange thing, isn't it. I was with another friend at a restaurant when I looked up and saw him sitting at another table. I don't know how long he was there, or when he came in, but I knew I had to leave. I suddenly had trouble breathing. I was almost to the point of hyperventilating. What was that all about? I don't know. I DO know he must have been in my life for a purpose. I'm just not sure what.

What have I learned about this experience? I know I am very careful about relationships now. Or, meeting any new men. Will this ever change? I don't' know that either. I only know that some day I would like another relationship with another man. I don't know when or where, but I look forward to it. Maybe not to marry, but at least someone to do lunch or dinner. Who knows. He may not be Mr. Right, but he could be Mr. Right Now.

My Life, As I Know It

June 2 I would have been married for 39 years, had my husband lived. That is cause to reflect on how my life is going now. My son is traveling a lot and I'm here by myself. He's going to be in NY for a few days, and he's even going back to Hong Kong.

This is NOT the life I would have chosen, if I could have chosen it, but it is a good life. I live in a nice 3-bedroom condo with my youngest son; in one of the busiest "happening" cities in the US; wonderful job; mustang convertible; great friends and yet...

I miss being part of a family - the Sunday dinners; the holidays; the calls; the "togetherness" of people being in your life and part of your life. I miss being married - a partner to do things with and for; to go places with and experiences of just every-day life. And, I guess what I miss a lot more than I would easily admit - direction and purpose to my life. I sound like a "whinny" person, right? I guess I am. My friend Jeff says that I'm spoiled and he calls me a "brat". And, maybe that is true too.

I DO have a lot to be thankful for and when it comes down to it, I guess that is more important than what I DON'T have. Jeff is right - I am spoiled. I hate it when he's right.

Mercy Me - Sweet Corn!

Last night was another first for me. I drove 1 1/2 hrs, bumper to bumper in Memorial Day Friday afternoon traffic, with the top up because of the heat, with my final destination being the middle of a cow pasture, in a remote FL town, with limited parking, beside approximately 5,000 other people who came to hear a Christian Contemporary Group - Mercy Me.

Anyone who knows me, knows that cow pastures and I JUST DON'T GO TOGETHER. My idea of camping is having one bathroom in my hotel accomodations, and a black and white TV to view. It's probably another one of those "interesting if not enjoyable" experiences that I probably won't do again, but for last night, it was okay.

I had to go by myself, and that in itself is a "bummer" for me. I love being with people and try to avoid doing things by myself, yet this was totally different. My son, who works waaaaaaaaaay too much was too tired to go, and he backed out at the last minute. Not a problem. He needed the rest. I wasn't exactly sure WHERE I was going, but with a little help from a few people along the way, I made it.

I joined some other friends there, ate lots of good food, especially free corn on the cob, and stayed for the concert. I got home about 10:30 to find out that we had reservations for a "MEET AND GREET" with the group that my son "forgot" to mention to me. I'm okay with that because I have been to a lot of those and if I miss one, it's not the end of the world. But, I was impressed with the crowd. People put trash where it belonged, were courteous and polite even though there was not much "wiggle" room in the area, and were appropriately responsive when the groups sang. All in all, it was a great experience. Terri Clark is there tonight. I wonder. Do I dare brave it again?

Interesting

Did you ever feel that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time? That has been me the last few days.

First, my cleaning lady came on Thursday, not Tuesday and I needed to get out of her way, so I took a drive to Titusville. For those of you who aren't familiar with Orlando, that is NE of Orlando and a somewhat beach area. I knew I had to give her at least 2-3 hrs, and for the most part it is relaxing for me to drive, so I discovered a new beach in Titusville area.

I had never been in that area before and decided to explore. I ended up in a "Secured Area" which is not unusual in this area because of Disney and NASA, but after I was redirected to another road I discovered the "sites" were ascending - 1, 2, 3, etc. I decided to follow it to the end, which happened to be #13. I parked, and went across the road, over the dune, and was standing on the platform onto the beach. I decided to call my friend, Barb in KY. She loves the beach and whenever I am afforded the time, and can go to the beach, I think of her and usually call her while I am there.

As I was talking with her, I suddenly discovered I had found a "Nude" beach area. I said, "A, Barb, I have to call you back. I need to leave this area." Of course, she asked why. When I told her, she was shocked, to say the least. It's really a good thing I didn't have my glasses on, because my "visuals" would have been much more in focus and maybe a little more upsetting. I stopped at the gate and asked two questions - "Is this beach area closed when there is a shuttle launch", and "Are all the areas nude, or just the last one?" The beach IS closed at a shuttle launch, and only the last area is a nude area. Great to know, huh?

My concern is, What if I had had one of my two young friends with me? That would have been reallllly hard to explain to them and their parents. Granted, it's not my cup of tea, nude bathing, but also there should be some sort of notification SOMEWHERE for those of us who do not ...

Then, today, on my way to visit some friends on the "other side of the pond", there were 4 wrecks; one with a body on the ground covered by a tarp; another one that necessitated traffic being totally rerouted about 10 miles - tying up a major, 3 lane interstate. The others were minor.

Much later in the day, on the way back from the breakfast with friends, I stopped at a local establishment to get a sandwich for lunch, and I was in the middle of a drug buy before I hardly knew what was happening.

So, you see, it makes me wonder. Was I supposed to be where I was or did I miss something? Who's to say at this point. I just know, I'm finally home, and I'm glad. And, aren't you glad I didn't take any pictures to add to this entry?

One more time

I'm out again today. I showed up and my "boss" told me I looked terrible and told me to go home. Ordinarily, that would have resulted in a wise-crack comeback, but I felt too bad. So, I left work and came home. I also called my Dr and went to see him. Sinus/bronchitis/ear infection - more antibiotics and predisone. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

My loving friend Julie suggests "probiotics." This is supposedly the new cureall of modern day. It will heal my stomach and my sinus. Sounds too good to be true. I will probably give it a try, eventually, but today - I'm just too tired to go out and get some. I'll feel better with several days rest.

My pastor gave us a challenge last week. His question - "What is the hardest thing for you to do as a Christian?" After some consideration, I narrowed it down to one or two things - basically my biggest problem seems to be WAITING. What am I waiting on? I'm not even sure of that. I DO know I have been in a waiting pattern for about the last 5 years. That is evident by the answers to my prayers. Every time I get desperate and need a definite answer to what is going on and where I am supposed to be, somehow the answer comes back to "WAIT" and wait some more.

Waiting is hard for me. I am a "do it, get through it, and on to something else" type person. I don't ever want to wait. Why should I? As someone so aptly reminded me this week, "So you think the whole universe revolves around you?" Yes, pretty much. God thinks I'm special and gives me special things, so, yes, I could get that impression. But, in reality? God loves me, and I'm truly blessed. I heard Joyce Meyer say once, "I'm an heir of the God of the Universe, and I want all that involves." You know what, me too.

No Magic Today

I had to leave work shortly after I got there today. It is not something I do easily. I was raised with a very strong work ethic and to NOT go to work or leave, is hard for me. But, I had some sort of "sick" feeling and prayed NOT TO be sick before I left property. My prayers were answered. I got home then was sick. I'm feeling better now though. I don't know what caused it. But, I'm sure I will be okay for work tomorrow.

Today was a rainy day. Praise God. We DESPERATELY need rain; wild fires are consuming a lot of undergrowth. That in itself isn't bad, but when lives and property are involved, this is disastrous. Today's rain has been steady and most of the day. It is wonderful.

I had a crazy dream last night. Maybe I wasn't feeling well then, but it was about a guy at work. I was fixing him dinner here at the apt. I fixed stuffed pork chops, green beans, salad, with a jello/whipped cream dessert. It was so real.

I saw the guy today. I had to laugh. Yea, I would probably like to fix dinner for him, and maybe that was part of it, but he shows little or no interest in me personally. I am reminded of the character from "Country Bear Jamboree" - You know; the one who comes down out of the ceiling - Her song is "All the men that turn me on, turn me down."

Oh well. Life goes on. But, there definitely was no magic in my life today. And, I can live with that.

Just one of the Jones Boys

Last night I went to one of the "geriatric" circuit's concerts (His statement; not mine.) I had not seen Davey Jones live in concert, but surely remembered the music. Wed night I saw "The Association."

This was my era; peace, love, "flower power" time. I sang; I swayed; enjoyed it. It brought back a lot of old memories - football games, dances I wasn't supposed to attend, and people that I grew up with; some no longer alive.

Afterward I was privileged to attend a friend's birthday party at a local establishment. I must be getting old. I am starting to remember "The Good Ole Days." I remind myself of my mother who used to talk about her life and how good it was "way back when."

It also made me think of Sunday, which is Mother's Day. My own Mother died in 2003, after a short illness. I had not been with my Dad, when he died; nor with my husband. But I asked God if I could be with my Mother, and He granted that request.

For the last several weeks before she died, my sister, Susan, who lives in Montana, and I took turns being with her. I would go before school time, around 5 am, stay for an hour or two and then go to school. Susan would visit between 10 and 3 and stay for a while. I would stop off before I went home after school, and stay for a while longer. This regime went on from August until her death in October.

Her nurse told me when she only had approximately 24 hrs left. (You can tell by the nails - hand and foot- they gradually turn purple.) I learned a lot about death during those 3 years. My father died in 2000; my husband in 2002 and my mother 2003.

I called her pastor and my pastor, and my sons. The pastors came, prayed and left. My sons, Susan and I stayed until around 7. Mother was tired and we were hungry. We later realized that none of us had eaten all day.

When I came back around 5 am the next morning, the nurse said she was just getting ready to call me as Mother was breathing with labored breaths. I went in, sat with her, sang softly the old hymns she loved so well (mostly Amazing Grace) and recited some of the Psalms until about 6:30 when she just stopped breathing. I was glad I was there.

I don't know how people get through death without God and friends. I couldn't have, but maybe I am a weaker person than most. It's okay. I like depending on God. And, for those who say God doesn't exist, I make only one statement - If I'm wrong, I've lost nothing; If you're wrong, you've lost everything. I like my odds better.

Bush or Busch

Two friends and I visited a local theme park yesterday. It was certainly "interesting." I had not been to this particular one lately, and certainly not seen it through "young" eyes.

This picture is a Komodo Dragon I caught on my phone camera. It was such a beautiful sunny day, he just had to indulge.

We also HAD to celebrate "Cinco de Mayo" afterward at a local Mexican Restaurant that was so packed that we have to wait 45 minutes even at 8:30 pm. The party there went on long after we left, I'm sure. It showed no signs of stopping any time soon and we left around 10:30 pm.

Their excitement is real and honest. I love that about them. They are so young and innocent. But they are growing up fast.

They have just this year moved to the public school scene. I'm not sure it was a good move but some interesting things have been discovered about one of their learning styles. It seems the older person has several learning challenges and they are being "handled" at the school where they attend. And, I use the word handled because as far as I am concerned, that is just about all the public school system can do at this point. No blame. Just observations. Being a former school teacher, I think I am qualified enough to make the statement.

I truly believe this school is doing the best they can. There are concerned administrators, teachers, and tutors doing the best they can within the bounds of what the state allows. And, state rules and regulations are a WHOLE different ballgame. (Don't get me started there)

I love these "little people." I love being with them and I love watching their reactions to everything. The "Princess" just loves being anywhere and doing "whatever." The more pragmatic, down to earth one, sees things differently and reacts differently - she is more serious and more reflective. No matter which one it is, they have certainly gotten hold on my heart, and I will try to give them the whole world. But, not today, we're just going bowling and to a movie, and probably DO Chinese food for dinner.

Why?

Some of my close friends are going through extremely rough times right now. One, has cirrhosis of the liver; one's brother died and mother is with hospice; one is having surgery, and the list goes on. How do I respond to these people who are obviously hurting?

As I talk, I have to refer to the God of the Universe Who is still in control. It sounds trite but it is so very true. I am praying for their hurting; I am praying for their healing; I am praying to be able to help in some way.

Only God knows where our lives will go and what will happen along that path, but I am reminded of a quote from a very wise professor [Dr Diane Schwope] who once said - "IF I BELIEVE GOD IS IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE, THEN I MUST BELIEVE I AM EXACTLY WHERE HE WANTS ME TO BE." Sometimes that is not easy to believe, especially when we "go through" whatever is happening at the time. I don't claim to have that "down" all the time, but I am working on it.

I have become extremely pragmatic, especially as I experience more of life. Life is so fleeting and so real that some times I forget as I move along, I get focused on THIS LIFE. As I deal with the day, I have to be grateful. Don't get me wrong, I am also realistic. We are the total sum of all our experiences, but I like to believe I am getting better with age like fine wine and cheese. The truth is, I can't go through a day without God's help. And, I like it that way! Living where I do, I think I'll go to the beach today. God is good.

A new day

I currently have the "car" fever. My son just bought a new SUV. While I think SUVs are a "necessary evil", they are just NOT my style.

I now have a 2004 red, Mustang, convertible, and it suits me fine. I love driving so we were MFEO, or "made for each other." (Yes, I've seen "You've Got Mail.") So, the obvious thing to do is look for another Mustang. I DO want another car, but I HATE, HATE, HATE shopping for one. My solution and perfect for me, is internet shopping.

Through various ways, I have had e-mails from 3 dealerships. They are all about the same in price, same features, same add-on options and discounts. WHAT WILL SEAL THE DEAL FOR ME? I'm not sure. One big factor is what my credit union let's me borrow. While I am doing okay financially, I still have to finance a car or house. I haven't garnered enough resources yet to pay cash for those items. (That is a personal goal of mine though)

Another factor that will help me decide is the personality and endurance of the sales person. Will they hang on long enough, not be obnoxious but still seem interested, and keep me interested? I don't know. This is a whole new game to play out in cyberspace. TOTALLY ANONYMOUS. I think I like it. Oh and yeh, I never DID get to the beach last week.