Winnie-the-Pooh

Winnie-the-Pooh has always been my favorite character.  I can't remember when it started, but I can really relate to him.  He's a little pudgy (I prefer fluffy), he loves to eat, he is a friend to everyone, very few things upset him (usually running out of honey), he says "Oh bother" as a response, and he has a positive outlook.  What's not to like?

Yesterday when I came home, my wonderful husband had bought me a "authenticated" painting of Pooh.  He also bought me a small replica of a sewer pipe with the 4 main "rat" characters from the movie - "Ratatouille."   He bought me the DVD of the movie the day it came out and also took me to "Studios" because he found out that "Remy"-the star of the movie- was going to be there signing autographs.  I have a picture of Remy and me that my husband arranged to have taken.  Tuesday of this week, he arrived home from work with a "Valentine" bear and 3 lovely roses.  He has such a good heart. How many husband's buy their wives "RATS", I ask you. 

I have discovered that his way of showing his love is to buy me things.

I don't NEED more things, but he NEEDS to get me things, so I try to accept everything he brings home, without too much fuss.  Sometimes it's hard.  I grew up having strings attached to presents and if I didn't give the right response that was expected for the gift, it was "perceived" as me NOT liking the it and me being "ungrateful."  I try to explain to Bob that he doesn't HAVE to buy me anything, but ...  

If you could see our apartment, you would understand how "Disney" we really are.  So, I will try to accept his gifts graciously, and know that is his way of loving me.

By the way, I named my new bear George.  (That is Bob's middle name.)

Today in O-town

This has been an extremely "interesting" week at work.  I've had meetings, people call in sick, and more meetings.  My role at work is "evolving" into more administration than actual work in the field.  This is going to be interesting.  "Field work" is becoming tedious and a bit boring.  It's almost like washing dishes-It's the same thing day in and day out.  I've done it for almost 3 years and I think it's about time for a change.  Just changing locations hasn't recharged my interest.

The people I work with are awesome.  They work very hard and are proud of the job they do.  My manager is totally wonderful to work with, too-She's complimentary and very gracious, even when I make mistakes.  I couldn't ask for a better working situation, but the "excitement" is gone.

I'm going to shadow someone in another department on Tuesday.  This is a "help" position within the company and it "seems" to be interesting from what I've heard so far;  so we shall see.

It's about 4 am; Bob has gone to work.  I am all alone.  It's the first time in a while that I've been able to be by myself.  I didn't realize how much I really like it until now.  

I have to get ready for church soon.  It's about the only time I get to see Charles now.  He is so much his father's child, and such a joy.   Tom is too much like me. (Maybe he will out grow it.)  I don't think either one of my sons know how much I love and appreciate them. Edward is so stoic I rarely know what he is thinking.  Bret is, well, Bret-solid, level headed and for the most part upbeat and positive.  

I will make it a point of telling them, today.  Life is too short to neglect important things like that.

APPARENTLY

Communication is vital in any relationship, especially marriage. According to my husband, I "wig" out over a lot of little things.

He called an old girl friend this week and I got upset about it. During his conversation, he "implied" some things to her that I "mistook" and wigged out over nothing, according to him.

Maybe he is right. Maybe I do tend to "blow things way out of proportion" at times. This probably stems from lifelong experiences of "misunderstandings", especially within my family.

I am a total sum of all my experiences, but I also believe that you can change your outlook and attitude from a negative to a positive. He says I want to change him. I'm not sure that is totally true, but there are some things I would like him to do that he doesn't do.

Marriage is about compromise and clarification. I truly believe this. I DO ask a lot of questions and he could be partially right about most of the things he said. I like to "get things out" on the table and talk about it. He wants to ignore "the elephant" in the room and go on without ever finding out why it is there.

Did I mention that we had this discussion at 3 am this morning? He worked 14 hours yesterday, and is having to do it again today. I was out of town until today. This could be some of the problem also. There is no time to communicate. According to him, he does what is expedient. He doesn't have time to have a discussion over every little matter. And, I like to discuss everything.

Feelings are another different ballgame, so to speak. He has become such an integral part of my life, I can't imagine he NOT being here. I have been up since around 2. Even the "Frappachinos" aren't helping right now.

I soon have to shower and get ready for work. Hammering out the problems can be a long process, and I guess I want a "quick fix." But, I don't think it going to be any time soon. Hopefully we can agree to disagree and go on. This might be all we can do for right now. (This marriage thing is hard work.)

TODAY

Tom would have been 63 today.  There are so many thoughts running through my mind.  In some ways, this is a depressing time for me; in many ways my thoughts warm me and make me smile.

I miss his chipped front tooth that I see in his son Charles.  I miss the crinkles around his eyes that had developed through the years.  And his eyes, oh so blue-sometimes like the ocean; sometimes like the sky.  I miss his arms around me when things went wrong or just because.  And, as I try to type this through the tears, I miss him most on this day of the year.  I KNOW he is in a better place.  I KNOW he probably sees all the stupid things I do.  I KNOW he can't come back here and be like it was before he left, but oh how I wish he could.

My life is so different now.  Bob is a good man and I was married so long to Tom that I could almost know what he was thinking.  I'm not trying to demean Bob at all.  I do love him.  He is so different from Tom that sometimes I expect too much from him.  He can't know what I am thinking or planning and sometimes I forget that.

This is a new year; one of promise; one of hope; one of forward thinking.  I have hopes and dreams, but "I can't know" where I will be this time next year.  I pray that I always follow God's leadings and I always hear His voice in all my decisions.  For now, I am where I am.

JAN 1

So far, so good.  Most of the decorations are put away; tree is still up until after Epiphany, Jan 6; had to add 6 more boxes for decorations, thanks to my husband's expenditures and additional decorations, and received far too many presents.

There were 14 people and 2 dogs for Christmas Day lunch.  It was a little snug in our apartment, but totally awesome to have everyone here.  It was a little overwhelming for Bob.  He's not use to "family" events yet, but I think he enjoyed it (even the dogs).  Joey (Edward's Golden Retriever) was here several days and a perfect guest.  He ate; he slept; he played-it was all good.  He was a little confused at first, but didn't seem to mind staying with us.  Edward and Tom stayed with Charles; Betty and Joey stayed with us.  Honeybear (Heidi's dog) visited for lunch that day.  It was nice to have everyone.

Tomorrow I go back to work after being off for 3 days.  Last week at our park was crazy-people were crabby and tired.  This is certainly NOT the time to be in the parks.  It is always overcrowded and people hate the long lines, so why do they visit?  Who knows except it is a magical place at Christmas time and if you pace yourself properly, you can have a great time.

I have the name of a professor at one of the colleges here.  They are looking for former teachers to be "mentors" for students in college that want to be teachers.  It sounds very interesting.  I think I will check on this.  I have always wanted to do something like that.  I will contact the professor soon and see if that can happen.  Until then, business as usual.