Neglected for so long, I decided to catch up with my postings. I HAVE Been Posting but on Facebook and not here.
I have been doing "DAILY" things - Cardiac Therapy, doctors, etc. and, life goes on. I had a lot of "old feelings" come flooding back to me recently. My next door neighbor's brother drown on Memorial Day.
Jorge, Nani's brother, was out in a boat with his father, adult cousin and two children, on Lake Toho.
Jorge was playing around, which was Jorge, and threw one of the kids into the lake. The kid was struggling a little, so Jorge jumped in and helped the kid back into the boat. The boat was drifting away from Jorge. His father looked back at Jorge and he was face down. They hurriedly turned the boat around, and Jorge was out of sight.
They found his body the next day, did an autopsy, and found no reason for his death except he drown. Forty-six is so young to die. And yet...
Charles got a call from a friend in Nashville. Their 12-year old son was in an accident. He had extensive brain damage, but was put on life support. Sunday they finally took him off the machines. His service is Wednesday and Charles is flying to Nashville tomorrow.
Within weeks, our lives have been "touched" by circumstances that no one could change. Two families devastated by loss. This is where I say, "God I don't understanmd your decisions in these GREAT loss. But I KNOW THAT I KNOW, THAT I KNOW You are still in control. And you love me. Help us to minister to each of these families in any way we can. We trust You!
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Friday, March 13, 2015
SURPRISED
Anger is something I thought I had put behind me. I grew up so infused by anger. My parents, each for different reasons; my "friends" because they had so much more than me; and anyone else who happened to come into my life at the time. I didn't know it, but my mother was also a very angry person. We never talked about it, but it was evident in most everything she said or did.
When Tom died, I went through the many stages of grief, one of which was anger. Miraculously, God took away that anger and I really haven't had that problem for a long time. Oh don't get me wrong, I've been upset about things along the way but not the deep seated ANGER that I once had -- deep seated, temperature rising, shouting anger that I once felt.
We have had some "relatives" staying with us. Charles and Mock had gone out of their ways to get them into the parks for several days, so I suggested they spend Thursday night with us and not leave until Friday morning as they were tired and they wouldn't have to hurry and try to pack up Thursday after being at the parks for two days. They agreed, but the relative who they were to visit didn't like it that way and she "disregarded" their feelings and had them leave the parks early, missing a much "wanted to see" fireworks, Rush to our house, gather their things, pack up the car, and drive the hour and half to their home, in the darkest of dark places where they live, so that she could get what she wanted. She is selfish and manipulative. We have repeatedly helped them and she has shown little or no gratitude over the years.
I can't quite figure out why I'm so angry. Is it her actions of messing with MY plans? Is it a control issue or was I really trying to be helpful to the visitors? I don't know which, but I need to stay away from her for a while because I'm still angry and I've learned that if I am to NOT to get angrier or say things I shouldn't, I need some space.
I'm also very tired.. Not an excuse, just a reason. I spent several days with a friend who is very ill. I love her so much and in many ways we are closer than relatives. But, God is good. I'm sure He will help me to sort all of this and calm my spirit.
When Tom died, I went through the many stages of grief, one of which was anger. Miraculously, God took away that anger and I really haven't had that problem for a long time. Oh don't get me wrong, I've been upset about things along the way but not the deep seated ANGER that I once had -- deep seated, temperature rising, shouting anger that I once felt.
We have had some "relatives" staying with us. Charles and Mock had gone out of their ways to get them into the parks for several days, so I suggested they spend Thursday night with us and not leave until Friday morning as they were tired and they wouldn't have to hurry and try to pack up Thursday after being at the parks for two days. They agreed, but the relative who they were to visit didn't like it that way and she "disregarded" their feelings and had them leave the parks early, missing a much "wanted to see" fireworks, Rush to our house, gather their things, pack up the car, and drive the hour and half to their home, in the darkest of dark places where they live, so that she could get what she wanted. She is selfish and manipulative. We have repeatedly helped them and she has shown little or no gratitude over the years.
I can't quite figure out why I'm so angry. Is it her actions of messing with MY plans? Is it a control issue or was I really trying to be helpful to the visitors? I don't know which, but I need to stay away from her for a while because I'm still angry and I've learned that if I am to NOT to get angrier or say things I shouldn't, I need some space.
I'm also very tired.. Not an excuse, just a reason. I spent several days with a friend who is very ill. I love her so much and in many ways we are closer than relatives. But, God is good. I'm sure He will help me to sort all of this and calm my spirit.
Friday, January 02, 2015
JANUARY IS
From the first of November until the middle of February, there are many memories. As a child, we always had thanksgiving at our house - aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. There were about 30-50 people depending on who was married, how many kids were still at home, or who just got married. It was always a happy time except for the last one - that was when one aunt and uncle were divorcing, one aunt was pregnant and not married, and various sundry other "not so happy" thoughts. Unfortunately, that is the one I remember most.
From Thanksgiving we moved into Christmas, with the decorations, the parties, and the music. I have a hard time remembering many presents that were given during any Christmas time. I'm fairly certain we got presents, but the only present I remember was the time we moved into the last house I lived in as a child. My sister and I both got "transistor radios." I don't remember anything else. Susan's lasted a few days, as she took hers into the bathroom while she was taking her bath and of course, it fell into the tub water. Mine lasted longer because I hid it from her. When she finally found it, she also took mine into the bathroom with the same results. It wasn't any great loss because I didn't really want one. I pretended to be very angry with her.
I didn't realize when I got married, my husband HAD memories of the holidays he would have liked to have forgotten. His father had gifts, but they were usually gifts that sales reps had given him to let them display some sort of merchandise in his grocery store. If he didn't have anything he deemed "suitable," then he would buy Tom something, then make Tom work after school to reimburse him for the cost. We didn't really celebrate Christmas until after our son Tom was born (December 23)
We went to my parents for the holidays and to celebrate his first birthday. It took us 16 hrs to get back to North Carolina as it started snowing about 2 hrs after we left.
My parents were "GREAT" grandparents and always bought too much. Tom and I had lots of arguements over that issue. But then, I really didn't need much of a cause to fight. I had learned from the best. As I think back, Tom put up with a lot from me.
January 4 was Tom's birthday. There was always a music conference the first weekend of January. I used "my money" to buy Christmas presents and he used "his money" for the convention. Every year, when I would nag about him spending too much at the convention He would snap back that if I hadn't spent so much money on Christmas we would have had more money in January. Obviously not happy times for either of us.
My brother's birthday was January 31. Memories, again, were not the happiest of times. My brother left home to join the Marines at age 17. He and my dad were not on the best of terms, and mother always sided with my brother, of course. We still celebrated his birthday, even when he was gone. Or, at least we sent him presents and cards. And, coincidently (?) we always had a cake for dessert on that day.
My sister's birthday is February 4. I don't remember having any parties for her. We didn't really celebrate anyone's birthday except my mother's, which was April 4. If it wasn't celebrated "properly" as per my mothers expectations, she went SILENT. That wasn't altogether unpleasant except when she started talking again.
I guess this time of year was not exactly a happy time from my perspective except the Christmas after Tom and I were remarried. I came home on Wednesday before Thanksgiving sick with the flu. I always decorated for Christmas on that weekend. I had shopped on Monday so all the Thanksgiving food was ready to be prepared but the only thing I could do was "crawl" to the bathroom, which was about 6 feet from my bed. Unbeknown to me, Tom went to PUBLIX, bought a tree, brought it home, set it up, got the decorations out and "filled" the house with Christmas. It was truly a "labor of love." When I finally was able to get out of bed on Saturday, the house looked and smelled wonderful. From then on, we celebrated "Something" almost every week.
This year, I celebrated without him but always aware of the wonderful days we had and how truly blessed I am. I haven't given gifts much for the last few years, but this year I gave a donation to the Dachshund Rescue of South Florida in lieu of presents. They are staffed by volunteers (drs, nurses, therapists) and never refuse to help any animals. I just wanted to bless others. And you know, I think I received a bigger blessing by doing that.
From Thanksgiving we moved into Christmas, with the decorations, the parties, and the music. I have a hard time remembering many presents that were given during any Christmas time. I'm fairly certain we got presents, but the only present I remember was the time we moved into the last house I lived in as a child. My sister and I both got "transistor radios." I don't remember anything else. Susan's lasted a few days, as she took hers into the bathroom while she was taking her bath and of course, it fell into the tub water. Mine lasted longer because I hid it from her. When she finally found it, she also took mine into the bathroom with the same results. It wasn't any great loss because I didn't really want one. I pretended to be very angry with her.
I didn't realize when I got married, my husband HAD memories of the holidays he would have liked to have forgotten. His father had gifts, but they were usually gifts that sales reps had given him to let them display some sort of merchandise in his grocery store. If he didn't have anything he deemed "suitable," then he would buy Tom something, then make Tom work after school to reimburse him for the cost. We didn't really celebrate Christmas until after our son Tom was born (December 23)
We went to my parents for the holidays and to celebrate his first birthday. It took us 16 hrs to get back to North Carolina as it started snowing about 2 hrs after we left.
My parents were "GREAT" grandparents and always bought too much. Tom and I had lots of arguements over that issue. But then, I really didn't need much of a cause to fight. I had learned from the best. As I think back, Tom put up with a lot from me.
January 4 was Tom's birthday. There was always a music conference the first weekend of January. I used "my money" to buy Christmas presents and he used "his money" for the convention. Every year, when I would nag about him spending too much at the convention He would snap back that if I hadn't spent so much money on Christmas we would have had more money in January. Obviously not happy times for either of us.
My brother's birthday was January 31. Memories, again, were not the happiest of times. My brother left home to join the Marines at age 17. He and my dad were not on the best of terms, and mother always sided with my brother, of course. We still celebrated his birthday, even when he was gone. Or, at least we sent him presents and cards. And, coincidently (?) we always had a cake for dessert on that day.
My sister's birthday is February 4. I don't remember having any parties for her. We didn't really celebrate anyone's birthday except my mother's, which was April 4. If it wasn't celebrated "properly" as per my mothers expectations, she went SILENT. That wasn't altogether unpleasant except when she started talking again.
I guess this time of year was not exactly a happy time from my perspective except the Christmas after Tom and I were remarried. I came home on Wednesday before Thanksgiving sick with the flu. I always decorated for Christmas on that weekend. I had shopped on Monday so all the Thanksgiving food was ready to be prepared but the only thing I could do was "crawl" to the bathroom, which was about 6 feet from my bed. Unbeknown to me, Tom went to PUBLIX, bought a tree, brought it home, set it up, got the decorations out and "filled" the house with Christmas. It was truly a "labor of love." When I finally was able to get out of bed on Saturday, the house looked and smelled wonderful. From then on, we celebrated "Something" almost every week.
This year, I celebrated without him but always aware of the wonderful days we had and how truly blessed I am. I haven't given gifts much for the last few years, but this year I gave a donation to the Dachshund Rescue of South Florida in lieu of presents. They are staffed by volunteers (drs, nurses, therapists) and never refuse to help any animals. I just wanted to bless others. And you know, I think I received a bigger blessing by doing that.
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