While embellishing is sometimes part of my MO, I think I can safely say that the last few days have been horrific for me, and there seems to be no relief in sight.
Bob has assured me that he is "good to go" with his change in diet and proper exercise to lower his blood sugar. That is a real relief. I really would have hated not marrying him. (Maybe there is a little of the "what if" still left in me)
Charles, on the other hand, is having more severe issues. His Dr gave his some medication yesterday that seemed to make the heart beat even faster. By the time I talked with him last night, he was in somewhat of a serious state. He didn't want to go to the hospital and spend another 5-6 hours in emergency. So, I gave him aspirin and he took a couple of sleeping pills and went to bed. I don't know if that was the thing to do or not, but I can hear him snoring at this early hour so he must be okay, at least for now.
I am still in class. I am almost totally disinterested in what is going on. In a way, this class has been a real pain to have going on, but in several other ways it has been a real life saver. I needed the afternoons, this week before the wedding, to do some running around and picking up and it has allowed me the opportunity to still get paid for almost my same hours as normal, and I have had the flexibility to leave to take care of Charles and Bob. So, all in all, God is good and He takes care of me, just like He said He would those many years ago in Israel.
So, Bob is back at work today. He texted me a message this am. Charles is probably going to take another day off and see his Dr again or at least I hope he will. But he has a big press event this week-end. I don't know how all of this is going to affect that, but God is still good.
One of my trainers, Evie, is getting married in 7 months and has been giving me a lot of great ideas for our wedding, especially for the flowers. And, I only have 10 more nights. Wow!
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
I don't know if I can do this
Just when you think things are going so well, the bottom falls out. I was in my training class today and during break I checked my phone calls. My son, Charles, was in the emergency room with heart "arrhythmia". After spending 5 hours in the hospital, they sent him home with no apparent cause and an appointment for a cardiologist. After leaving him, I went with Bob to a Dr's appointment; waited over an hour for him to find out he is diabetic.
For those of you who know my history, my first husband Tom died because of complications of diabetes. For more than 12 or so years, we dealt with all the intricate details of his not taking care of himself and me trying to make him. I don't know if I can do this again.
I mentioned this to Charles and with the logic he usually has, he said, "Bob is not Dad." That is very true and yet it is the same. I know I am tired. I know not to make any rash decisions when I am tired. And yet I can't help it. I definitely have to talk to Bob about this.
For those of you who know my history, my first husband Tom died because of complications of diabetes. For more than 12 or so years, we dealt with all the intricate details of his not taking care of himself and me trying to make him. I don't know if I can do this again.
I mentioned this to Charles and with the logic he usually has, he said, "Bob is not Dad." That is very true and yet it is the same. I know I am tired. I know not to make any rash decisions when I am tired. And yet I can't help it. I definitely have to talk to Bob about this.
Twelve More Nights
It is rapidly coming to a close - my single life. The apartment got painted - Great job Marvin! Bob got moved in, finally. And, I cooked dinner for the first time. I won't say it was a disaster, but close. I fixed strogonoff with linguine, salad, Italian bread, and fruit as desert. He had eaten lunch late, so he wasn't hungry. He wanted to get his bed all set up so I washed his bed clothes while he tried to unpack and set up a few things. TV in place; bed remade; clothes all ready for his 12:30 wake up (he had to be at work at 2:00 am) and he decided he wanted to go to Target to replace his old pillows.
I won't say his pillows were disgusting, but I wouldn't have let Carson sleep on them. (Carson is Tom's dog) Shopping all done, Bob decides he wants 2 hot dogs and chips for dinner. (Good thing I remembered to get wieners at the store) So, that was his dinner. Mine? I ate the strogonoff, etc. It was delicious.
On a more positive note, he brought me some lovely flowers; JUST BECAUSE... He said I deserve flowers everyday. Oh yeah; he's a keeper.
I won't say his pillows were disgusting, but I wouldn't have let Carson sleep on them. (Carson is Tom's dog) Shopping all done, Bob decides he wants 2 hot dogs and chips for dinner. (Good thing I remembered to get wieners at the store) So, that was his dinner. Mine? I ate the strogonoff, etc. It was delicious.
On a more positive note, he brought me some lovely flowers; JUST BECAUSE... He said I deserve flowers everyday. Oh yeah; he's a keeper.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Closer
It is only 15 more nights until the big day. As it gets closer, Bob and I both are anxiously awaiting the day. If nothing else, we will get to finally be together in one location and not have to run around trying to find things for the wedding. That has to be less stressful. And, we can finally get on some sort of schedule and routine.
I personally thrive on routine and schedules. In addition to Bob having to work overtime these last two weeks, I am also in training for the Youth Education Service for "D" next week. It seems that everything is happening these last two weeks. Oh well.
The fiasco of getting furniture for our apartment is finally over. We now have a couch, coffee table, and dining room set. Marvin is painting on Sunday. Bob's bed is being moved into the apartment on Sunday some time and he will be moved in, theoretically. My furniture will be moved in on March 5 and I will move in on March 11, after the wedding. Some say that is old fashioned. Yes. I guess it is, but those are my beliefs and Bob is okay with them. He is a gentleman and loves me.
It is exciting to be on the "threshold" so to speak of a whole new direction for my personal life and work orientation. I once heard someone say "The only things that are sure are death and change." That is probably true. We only have one life to live. But, if you do it right, that's all you need.
I personally thrive on routine and schedules. In addition to Bob having to work overtime these last two weeks, I am also in training for the Youth Education Service for "D" next week. It seems that everything is happening these last two weeks. Oh well.
The fiasco of getting furniture for our apartment is finally over. We now have a couch, coffee table, and dining room set. Marvin is painting on Sunday. Bob's bed is being moved into the apartment on Sunday some time and he will be moved in, theoretically. My furniture will be moved in on March 5 and I will move in on March 11, after the wedding. Some say that is old fashioned. Yes. I guess it is, but those are my beliefs and Bob is okay with them. He is a gentleman and loves me.
It is exciting to be on the "threshold" so to speak of a whole new direction for my personal life and work orientation. I once heard someone say "The only things that are sure are death and change." That is probably true. We only have one life to live. But, if you do it right, that's all you need.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Moving v Not Moving
I never realized how "interesting" moving could be, not to mention all the details involved. I'm not sure how, but I would like to get about 97% of all my things over to the apartment by March 5. With working 50+ hrs a week, trying to get all the wedding items ready and just trying to "live", we are both still having trouble getting in "sleep" time.
Bob has just been told he will be working overtime for the next few weeks at his regular job. That is exactly what he needed; even less time to sleep. So here I sit. It is Sunday. I've miss church again. That is not something I really like to do, because I need and want to be there, but I am so tired that I can hardly move, and I have so much to do. It is cold outside and I am such a baby when it come to trying to do anything in cold weather. Maybe I am trying to do too much. (You think?)
I spent from 1:00 pm until 6:30 waiting on the cable/WYFI guy to fix my computer hookup. This guy finally showed up around 3pm. The cable was supposedly installed the other day. This is the 2nd time I've had to wait for them to show up and work on the hook ups, and it still doesn't work correctly. I wasn't unproductive though. I had clothes to wash, dishes to put away, and just generally working on the apartment to try to get it ready for the furniture that is supposed to be delivered on Thursday. I also have someone coming to paint some time next week. And, tomorrow, well, that is another "day off" that I will spend running around trying to get more errands done. (And Jonathan wanted me to work tomorrow. Yeah, right!)
Tom's Grandmother Sally once told me that "Sometimes the most religious thing you can do is stay in bed." I always liked that woman. I knew she was a great Christian, but I never really realized how truly wise she really was. Thanks Grandma Sally.
Bob has just been told he will be working overtime for the next few weeks at his regular job. That is exactly what he needed; even less time to sleep. So here I sit. It is Sunday. I've miss church again. That is not something I really like to do, because I need and want to be there, but I am so tired that I can hardly move, and I have so much to do. It is cold outside and I am such a baby when it come to trying to do anything in cold weather. Maybe I am trying to do too much. (You think?)
I spent from 1:00 pm until 6:30 waiting on the cable/WYFI guy to fix my computer hookup. This guy finally showed up around 3pm. The cable was supposedly installed the other day. This is the 2nd time I've had to wait for them to show up and work on the hook ups, and it still doesn't work correctly. I wasn't unproductive though. I had clothes to wash, dishes to put away, and just generally working on the apartment to try to get it ready for the furniture that is supposed to be delivered on Thursday. I also have someone coming to paint some time next week. And, tomorrow, well, that is another "day off" that I will spend running around trying to get more errands done. (And Jonathan wanted me to work tomorrow. Yeah, right!)
Tom's Grandmother Sally once told me that "Sometimes the most religious thing you can do is stay in bed." I always liked that woman. I knew she was a great Christian, but I never really realized how truly wise she really was. Thanks Grandma Sally.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
V-Day
Valentines Day is not what you would call "A National Holiday", and yet lots of people, including me, like to celebrate it. It is a time of sharing love, giving gifts, dining out, and by all means, letting people know that you care for them.
Bob was no exception. He gave me two cards, a large heart-shaped box of candy, 1 dozen red roses, and a Teddy bear in an arrangement. I was overwhelmed. We went out to dinner to a restaurant that was close by and then he brought me home because he has to be @ work by 3:30am. He said he didn't sleep much last night, and he had to work over about 3 hours, so I was surprised when he said he wanted to go out tonight.
We went to a restaurant "downtown", but he was very quiet all evening. He even went to sleep on the way home. (Good thing I was driving). I'm not in much better shape, energy wise. I'll be glad when everything settles down a little. We only have 23 more nights and then the wedding. I know we will have more time to rest after that, or at least we will both be in the same place and not have to eat out every night.
Bob was no exception. He gave me two cards, a large heart-shaped box of candy, 1 dozen red roses, and a Teddy bear in an arrangement. I was overwhelmed. We went out to dinner to a restaurant that was close by and then he brought me home because he has to be @ work by 3:30am. He said he didn't sleep much last night, and he had to work over about 3 hours, so I was surprised when he said he wanted to go out tonight.
We went to a restaurant "downtown", but he was very quiet all evening. He even went to sleep on the way home. (Good thing I was driving). I'm not in much better shape, energy wise. I'll be glad when everything settles down a little. We only have 23 more nights and then the wedding. I know we will have more time to rest after that, or at least we will both be in the same place and not have to eat out every night.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Friends
This past week I heard from friends that now live in Atlanta - Heidi, David, Max and Abby. They are really awesome, talented people. David use to work for Universal here in "O-town" and was in charge of entertainment in some way or another, and Heidi use to work for a children's clothing line. Abby is a bright, beautiful girl turning into a lovely young lady, right in front of my eyes.
And then there is Max. He reminds me of the Max in "Where the Wild Things Are" by Maurice Sendak. Creative, cute, talented, smart, and totally Max. He probably has an IQ of somewhere around 180 and can't remember his address or where to get off the school bus. But, I love the kid and miss all of them so much.
Heidi is staying on with us for a couple days and that is totally neat. My bedroom is full of boxes, but it won't bother her for she is easily adaptable. I'm just glad to have her. Hopefully she will get to meet Bob before she leaves on Wednesday.
Speaking of Bob, he picked me up today about 3 o'clock and we went to downtown "D". Just spending time with him is great. I am off work today and got to go to church; Charles drove. We went to lunch with Bret/Julie and the girls; Heidi/David and their kids; the Leoflers, and a guy named Matt from church. Bob worked late and couldn't go. I really hated that. I was hoping that he would go and meet everyone that he had not met, but everyone knows how it is to have to work whatever they have to work.
Life is interesting. I can't believe that in one month, I'll be married. And, my life will change one more time. How it will change, I don't really know, but it will definitely be different. And, I can hardly wait.
And then there is Max. He reminds me of the Max in "Where the Wild Things Are" by Maurice Sendak. Creative, cute, talented, smart, and totally Max. He probably has an IQ of somewhere around 180 and can't remember his address or where to get off the school bus. But, I love the kid and miss all of them so much.
Heidi is staying on with us for a couple days and that is totally neat. My bedroom is full of boxes, but it won't bother her for she is easily adaptable. I'm just glad to have her. Hopefully she will get to meet Bob before she leaves on Wednesday.
Speaking of Bob, he picked me up today about 3 o'clock and we went to downtown "D". Just spending time with him is great. I am off work today and got to go to church; Charles drove. We went to lunch with Bret/Julie and the girls; Heidi/David and their kids; the Leoflers, and a guy named Matt from church. Bob worked late and couldn't go. I really hated that. I was hoping that he would go and meet everyone that he had not met, but everyone knows how it is to have to work whatever they have to work.
Life is interesting. I can't believe that in one month, I'll be married. And, my life will change one more time. How it will change, I don't really know, but it will definitely be different. And, I can hardly wait.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Just do it!
There are only 27 more nights and it is getting more hectic. We spent time together today and after a long, extended drive and several meals, I am so tired that I can hardly breathe. We have had cable installed, bought a couch and dining room table, chairs and bench, sorted clothes, washed clothes, and run around like two loons.
And, just when it seems so hectic, I am reminded of my friend Ruth who just found out she has breast cancer. That stops you in your tracks no matter how tired you might be. This woman has been a friend for over a quarter of a century, I've had one of her daughters in my classroom, her husband and mine were colleagues, and what can you say? - I just hugged her, held her, and told her how much I loved her, and that SHE WOULD get through this.
I know what it felt like when misdiagnosed with lung cancer, but I don't know how it feels to have the doctor tell you that you have breast cancer. Ruth is one of the neatest people I know. She and her family are very dear to me, so trying to discuss this problem is a real wake up call. I know that Bob and I made the right decision to get married, even if it seems to be too quickly.
Life is so short and you must live it to the fullest every single minute because you never know when something or someone will not be in your life any more. And when you lose a close friend or husband, the pain is so overwhelming that life as you know it seems to stop and can never be the same again.
God has allowed me to know two great men. I am so grateful that mere words are thin veils for all the emotions I feel at this moment, but I tell you this - Life is short! God is good; and, He loves me.
And, just when it seems so hectic, I am reminded of my friend Ruth who just found out she has breast cancer. That stops you in your tracks no matter how tired you might be. This woman has been a friend for over a quarter of a century, I've had one of her daughters in my classroom, her husband and mine were colleagues, and what can you say? - I just hugged her, held her, and told her how much I loved her, and that SHE WOULD get through this.
I know what it felt like when misdiagnosed with lung cancer, but I don't know how it feels to have the doctor tell you that you have breast cancer. Ruth is one of the neatest people I know. She and her family are very dear to me, so trying to discuss this problem is a real wake up call. I know that Bob and I made the right decision to get married, even if it seems to be too quickly.
Life is so short and you must live it to the fullest every single minute because you never know when something or someone will not be in your life any more. And when you lose a close friend or husband, the pain is so overwhelming that life as you know it seems to stop and can never be the same again.
God has allowed me to know two great men. I am so grateful that mere words are thin veils for all the emotions I feel at this moment, but I tell you this - Life is short! God is good; and, He loves me.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Misunderstandings
A set of circumstances sometimes happen and appear to be one thing, and are actually another. Does that ever happen to you?
Due to being in a meeting today, I shut off my phone because I forgot to leave it in the car. After I got home I was hungry, so I fixed a hamburger and layed down on the couch to watch last night's GILMORE GIRLS. Well, you can imagine what happened next, I fell asleep. Charles got home about 7 and I was just waking up and didn't actually know what time it was.
I found out the phone was still off when I went to plug it in and set the alarm that I use each morning. I had a message from Bob - "It's not nice to shut your phone off." I quickly phoned him and explained the situation. He seemed okay with it, but not - if you know what I mean. I'm not even sure I KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I asked him if WE were okay, and he said yes and that he hoped I wasn't getting paranoid on him.
I don't know. Maybe I AM paranoid or have paranoid tendencies. Maybe this is too good to be true and I WANT to find something wrong with the relationship. I don't know that either,but I don't think so. I know I love him. I know he loves me. Maybe we're both too tired and tonight was a good idea for both of us to rest. I know I miss him when I'm not with him, and tonight is no exception. Only 30 more nights, Cheryl; 30 more nights!
Due to being in a meeting today, I shut off my phone because I forgot to leave it in the car. After I got home I was hungry, so I fixed a hamburger and layed down on the couch to watch last night's GILMORE GIRLS. Well, you can imagine what happened next, I fell asleep. Charles got home about 7 and I was just waking up and didn't actually know what time it was.
I found out the phone was still off when I went to plug it in and set the alarm that I use each morning. I had a message from Bob - "It's not nice to shut your phone off." I quickly phoned him and explained the situation. He seemed okay with it, but not - if you know what I mean. I'm not even sure I KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I asked him if WE were okay, and he said yes and that he hoped I wasn't getting paranoid on him.
I don't know. Maybe I AM paranoid or have paranoid tendencies. Maybe this is too good to be true and I WANT to find something wrong with the relationship. I don't know that either,but I don't think so. I know I love him. I know he loves me. Maybe we're both too tired and tonight was a good idea for both of us to rest. I know I miss him when I'm not with him, and tonight is no exception. Only 30 more nights, Cheryl; 30 more nights!
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
What if?
When I agreed to marry Bob, it never occurred to me that he could get sick. He seems invincible, so when I talked with him tonight, I wasn't sure what I would find when I met him for supper. His eyes were watery, his face was flushed and he had a fever. Why is it that scares me?
Work is crazy, hectic and busy to say the least. I'm not getting enough sleep, the new job is more than I thought it would be, and the details of the wedding are at times overwhelming. Maybe subconsciously the memory of finding my husband dead on our bedroom floor is just beneath the surface of my life. Maybe I have unresolved issues. I don't know. I only know I am tired and this is just another "thing" to deal with at this time.
Bob has not felt well for some time. His father was diabetic, and I know what he is thinking. "What if he is too?" I've lived with a diabetic. It isn't easy for either person. I don't know how Bob would handle this.
When my dad taught me to drive, he insisted on me dealing with "What ifs." What if a car pulled out in front of you? What if you are driving and hit a water spot on the road? What if you accidentally drive off the road? These are "defensive" driving techniques. I had lived with "What ifs" most of my life. About 15 years ago I chose NOT to live like that any longer. I love Bob very much, and I refuse to "what if" my life away. It is a useless waste of time and energy. Besides, 95% of all we think will happen, doesn't. So, Robert G. Brown, I love you, and whatever time we have together, it will all be good. God willing, we have many good years ahead.
Work is crazy, hectic and busy to say the least. I'm not getting enough sleep, the new job is more than I thought it would be, and the details of the wedding are at times overwhelming. Maybe subconsciously the memory of finding my husband dead on our bedroom floor is just beneath the surface of my life. Maybe I have unresolved issues. I don't know. I only know I am tired and this is just another "thing" to deal with at this time.
Bob has not felt well for some time. His father was diabetic, and I know what he is thinking. "What if he is too?" I've lived with a diabetic. It isn't easy for either person. I don't know how Bob would handle this.
When my dad taught me to drive, he insisted on me dealing with "What ifs." What if a car pulled out in front of you? What if you are driving and hit a water spot on the road? What if you accidentally drive off the road? These are "defensive" driving techniques. I had lived with "What ifs" most of my life. About 15 years ago I chose NOT to live like that any longer. I love Bob very much, and I refuse to "what if" my life away. It is a useless waste of time and energy. Besides, 95% of all we think will happen, doesn't. So, Robert G. Brown, I love you, and whatever time we have together, it will all be good. God willing, we have many good years ahead.
Friday, February 02, 2007
The "Cat" is out of the bag, so to speak
Tonight was the night. I had dinner with Julie, Bret, the girls and Charles. It was decided that Bob would not go, so I could "announce" our impending wedding. It was certainly interesting, to say the least. No one had any idea, and Charles has been very quiet ever since. I hated to spring it on them, but I couldn't wait any longer. In fact, to me there had been too much time between when we made the decision and letting them know. Charles wished me well and said, "Whatever makes you happy."
I love all my sons very much. I care what they think. I know they only want the very best for me. And yet, why do I feel like I've done something they disapprove of? I just want everyone to be okay with my choice. And, my question is this - Are they upset because of me liking someone? Are they upset because of Bob? Or, are they upset because they didn't know?
I like structure in my life, as you know. I have schedules! I have order! I have lists! So what is the problem? I'm not really sure. I know I am very tired, but that can be expected with the new job and the added responsibilities of getting a wedding ready. What wasn't expected was having to justify why I want to marry and who I want to marry.
Maybe I didn't explain it carefully enough or blurted it out too quickly without any prep for the group. One of the things I learned in therapy is there are always choices; not necessarily ones we like, but there are choices! The bottom line is - now everyone knows. So, what is the next step? Or, where do I go from here? I just want everyone to "play nice." Kindergarten was so much easier.
I love all my sons very much. I care what they think. I know they only want the very best for me. And yet, why do I feel like I've done something they disapprove of? I just want everyone to be okay with my choice. And, my question is this - Are they upset because of me liking someone? Are they upset because of Bob? Or, are they upset because they didn't know?
I like structure in my life, as you know. I have schedules! I have order! I have lists! So what is the problem? I'm not really sure. I know I am very tired, but that can be expected with the new job and the added responsibilities of getting a wedding ready. What wasn't expected was having to justify why I want to marry and who I want to marry.
Maybe I didn't explain it carefully enough or blurted it out too quickly without any prep for the group. One of the things I learned in therapy is there are always choices; not necessarily ones we like, but there are choices! The bottom line is - now everyone knows. So, what is the next step? Or, where do I go from here? I just want everyone to "play nice." Kindergarten was so much easier.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
INTERESTING
Life is never dull in my world. Things happen; things change. Yesterday I went to work, business as usual, and all of a sudden I was very ill with what appeared to be a stomach flu. (Gory details left out) I called Allison and she let me leave. I came home and slept most of the afternoon with some serious medication and I felt somewhat better afterward.
Bob called; we met and signed the papers on our new apartment. Anyone who knows me and has my phone number, I can give you the new location. We met with the caterer - Mary. Neat lady; lots of good ideas. Bob ate dinner; I watched. I was still not sure that I should eat, so I didn't.
We went to Target afterward to scout out a table I had seen earlier. The closest store did not have it. We'll have to go to another one. As I was really tired, we called it an early night and he brought me home. I DID register @ Target online a little later last night. We shop there, so it's only logical that I do that. I hadn't really thought about gifts until Mary mentioned it when we were talking. It would be nice to receive gifts, but most of all we would just like our friends to come and help us celebrate.
Just think 38 more nights, and I will be married again. Whew. I am entering this new marriage with better insight into who I should be for him. I was not the best of wives the first 23 years of my marriage to Tom, but with God's help, I was much better the last 8 1/2. I think I am much farther down the road so to speak, with what a good wife should be. But Bob nailed it when he said, "I don't expect you to wait on me, or do things for me that I can do myself, I would like for you to just be with me and love me." He is not a man with a lot of demands and expectations. God is good; He loves me and has blessed me with another good man in my life.
Bob called; we met and signed the papers on our new apartment. Anyone who knows me and has my phone number, I can give you the new location. We met with the caterer - Mary. Neat lady; lots of good ideas. Bob ate dinner; I watched. I was still not sure that I should eat, so I didn't.
We went to Target afterward to scout out a table I had seen earlier. The closest store did not have it. We'll have to go to another one. As I was really tired, we called it an early night and he brought me home. I DID register @ Target online a little later last night. We shop there, so it's only logical that I do that. I hadn't really thought about gifts until Mary mentioned it when we were talking. It would be nice to receive gifts, but most of all we would just like our friends to come and help us celebrate.
Just think 38 more nights, and I will be married again. Whew. I am entering this new marriage with better insight into who I should be for him. I was not the best of wives the first 23 years of my marriage to Tom, but with God's help, I was much better the last 8 1/2. I think I am much farther down the road so to speak, with what a good wife should be. But Bob nailed it when he said, "I don't expect you to wait on me, or do things for me that I can do myself, I would like for you to just be with me and love me." He is not a man with a lot of demands and expectations. God is good; He loves me and has blessed me with another good man in my life.
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