Who moved?

I was talking with some friends tonight about their "errant" son. They have tried to raise him correctly, "in the church." They have given him all the wonderful comforts of this world and tried to help him every step of the way. They have expended thousands of dollars trying to keep him where they think he should be. They have left some necessities of their own "by the wayside" just to provide for this kid. And what has he done?

He has chosen instead to barely get through HS; flunk out of college wasting a $50,000 scholarship, not to mention what they invested, and lose or damage most every piece of electronic equipment they have provided for him in the last few years.

The question "Why?" comes to mind. Why would he reject all his teachings? Why would he deliberately choose to throw away a "free" college education that was his "just for the asking?" Why would he leave home and not even let them know where he is or what he is doing? Doesn't he know he is breaking his parents' hearts? And yet...

Isn't this just what we do with God? He offers us the very best of everything; He provides us with abundant living; He holds out His plan for our lives and says, "Here. This is what is best for you, and all I ask is that you love me." And, we choose to do "our own thing." We are so much smarter! WE KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR US. And so, we go a different way. Don't we know how we are breaking our Father's heart? Evidently, we don't care either.

I have been convicted lately of some lines I have crossed with respect to what I know I should be doing, or not be doing. Oh, nothing outlandish. I haven't stolen anything; I haven't lied about anyone; I still try to do all the "churchy" things I am supposed to do, but I know God is telling me I'm not where I should be and I am "drifting" farther from THAT line. NOW! What do I intend to do about it?

Replacement is NOT an Option

The cushion I need to help me see over the hood of my car is waaaaaaaaaaay beyond used. Many would say, to "infinity and beyond" just needing help. Several friends have even offered to buy me a new one. These truly ARE well meaning friends. And, I know they love me.

"It doesn't go with your car" they say. "It is not only ragged, but putrid looking" they say. "Can't you afford a new cushion?" they ask. The truth be know, I actually like my cushion JUST THE WAY IT IS!

IT IS raggy looking. IT IS probably passed it's prime (who isn't.) It doesn't "class up" my sporty mustang convertible. It might even be a detriment to all those guys who like to be seen in a hot, red car. I keep it because I like it. I like what it stands for. I like it because it reminds me of where I came from. But, most of all, it reminds me of how I use to be. And. I need those reminders to keep me grounded and focused.

The Party's Over

My son has been gone for 4 or 5 weeks working in Hong Kong. And, if you read the title of this entry you would think I'm not happy about his return, and the TOTAL OPPOSITE is true. I have reallllllllllllllly missed him. If his trip has taught me anything, it is I DON'T LIKE LIVING ALONE.

While that discovery is not earth shaking in itself, it is eye opening for me. I always thought of myself as independent; a loner; not needing anyone and capable of "doing my own thing." IF that was once an accurate statement, and you know how delusional I can be working and living in "fantasyland" in the "state of confusion", it is no longer true. And, that scares me a little.

I can't imagine being married to another man and being that intensely in love again. For me, and having my Christian beliefs, living with someone and not being married is DEFINITELY NOT AN OPTION!!! In fact, after reading the book by Josh Harris "I Kissed Dating Goodby", I agree with his statement that "even kissing is not done until after marriage."

With all these "discoveries", and now finally admitting these things, where does that leave me? Basically, in God's hands. How many middle-aged men are there with my life-style and Christian beliefs out there looking for companionship? I can tell you - Not Many, or at least NOT in my world.

BUT. Today is a beautiful day and I'm meeting a friend for a "stroll in the one of the parks". Life can't get much better. HUMMMM. You know, being in God's hands is the perfect place to be. He loves me and I am blessed.

Escaping or Readjusting

This is "ME" looking directly into the sunlight, at a recent "Team Builder" exercise.

I love working with these guys. They are great and we actually enjoy being with each other. This picture was taken on top of a hotel in which we were touring. It is so great to be able to see things from the "inside" and learn about the history of the site. I am still amazed with all the "ins and outs" of running such a large place.

Today is my "Sunday" and I have been able to get some things done that I had been putting off until "I could get around to it." I even washed my car.

Jeff promised that he would come and help me, but he didn't call to confirm, and I was running out of time. He works all day and is off on Sat and Sun. HUMMMM! (What's wrong with these schedules?)

I am supposed to go to dinner and a movie with a friend tonight. I don't know if I will cancel or not. I went out for lunch and a movie yesterday with another friend. The movie was "The Devil Wears Prada." SOOO VERY PREDICTABLE, all the way through.

I saw "The Lake House" two weeks ago, and then went back last week to see it again. I'm not sure if I like it or not, but it was interesting. I like a good mystery and that one certainly left a lot of "unanswered" questions in my mind. I think I might buy it just to see it from time to time.
One movie I will DEFINITELY buy is "Over the Hedge." That one is so terribly funny. "Hammie" reminds me of me. His attention span is so short that he can't concentrate on any one thing long. I do that some times, out of choice. I think it started when I got bored in church. My youngest son said he could always tell when I was tuning out the sermon. I started balancing my checkbook. I don't "physically" take out some thing and start another task now, but I can mentally move to something else while attending a meeting or even a party.

Some of that is "escapism" and some is self-preservation, but you know, sometimes it is just plain lack of interest. I think I better start concentrating more, especially in meetings here. They might just volunteer me for something and I won't even realize it.

Enough is Enough

I think 5 days of whining and complaining are probably enough for anyone, and so, I think I'm over my "birthday" debacle, or "BLACK WEDNESDAY" as I prefer it to be called. So, on to bigger and better things. (At least, I can joke about it now.)

Jeff, at work, calls me a "spoiled brat." And, for the most part, I guess he is at least partially correct. I AM spoiled, and some times I do act a bit "bratty", if that is a word, but it works for me, or at least in my world. That is probably why I like my job so much. I get to go to the "Happiest Celebration on Earth", walk around talking with people all day, and I get paid to do it. If I had only known this was available years ago, I would have been here sooner.

But, Jeff is only partially right. I love "doing" for people. I loved providing for my husband. I loved waiting on him "hand and foot" and having his dinner ready when he got home, and buying things for him that I knew he liked. I REALLY liked having a family and being married.

Maybe one day, someone who likes slightly graying, overweight, fun-loving women will notice and say, "She is someone I would really like to get to know." [I wonder how long it will take Jeff to finally realize he can't do without me.] Oh well. I can only hope.

Filed under what I should have done

Birthdays are VERY special to me. I love the attention on that day. Friends lie-say you don't look older; they bring presents; I have extra special goodies; everyone sings; ALL JUST FOR ME. I should have listened to my first instincts. I should have stayed in bed!!!

The day started beautifully. I had a friend call about 7 am and wish me a happy birthday. (So far, so good, right?) I got a shower and was dressing when my oldest son called to wish me a happy birthday. (Good?) Received several "e-mail" cards. (Another upper, right?)

Got to work. Exciting things happened - Kiss from Jeff (that was worth going to work on my day off); wishes all around; team builder tour over at the W Lodge and lunch (Rough job, huh?) On the way back, the clouds started forming and just seconds before reaching the dock, we had a cloud burst. We were totally soaked. It rained about 2 hours. We finally ran for the "break room" and waited it out before trying to get home. (This is a long time for one of our summer rains.)

(This first picture was taken from the top of the W Lodge facing toward G F Hotel.)

And then I had a call. My plans for my birthday dinner were cancelled. I had previously turned down several invites, rearranged other plans, and was really looking forward to having a great birthday dinner. Talk about depressing; disappointed; and whatever other downer emotion you can insert. So, I have spent the evening alone, watching reruns of Gilmore Girls, and eating leftovers, and basically feeling sorry for myself. And, of course, crying.

On a more positive note, I had a great dinner last night with a totally delightful man, so I can ALMOST shift my emotions to that as a birthday celebration.

Naw. It isn't the same. I am bummed.

(This picture was just before the storm finally broke)

Cancer Crab

In typical Crab fashion, on today my birthday, I would just like to go hide somewhere and avoid everyone. I do that very well. Amazing things happen when you turn off your cell phones, and yes, I have two of the pesky things. Some time I will explain why.

But, I will get in the shower, dry off, dress accordingly, go get my allergy shots and do the right thing and show up for the festivities. Why when I hate it so - I love my friends and family. It makes them happy to do it, and

IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

My Hero

I have always admired Winnie the Pooh. Think about it - He is always happy; isn't bothered by his weight or anything else for that matter; lives to eat and sleep; and is totally accepted, just the way he is, by all his friends. He just kind of drifts from adventure to adventure and enjoys it all.

For the most part, that basically describes me. My oldest son, Tom, says I live in "Fantasyland in the State of Confusion." That usually works for me. But, lately though, probably because another birthday is only 3 days away, I have been "pondering" my life and there seems to be something missing. I'm not even sure what it is. I AM bothered by my weight, the wrinkles, and the grey that is creeping into my formerly dark hairline. And, the fact that I don't have any "special" man in my life. Don't get me wrong. I don't need a man to feel complete, but I do like the companionship. I HATE doing things by myself.

I usually consider myself blessed though - I have a fantastic job, great place to live, wonderful friends who accept me just the way I am, 2 tremendous sons who take care of me, and for the most part, tolerate me and allow me to live a very comfortable lifestyle and yet...

But, I like order and structure in my life and when something is "out of order" I try to fix it so it will be "balanced" again. I can't seem to fix this "feeling." This big empty feeling that gnaws at me from inside my heart. I tolerate it; I ignore it; I even embrace it at times, and yet...


My son, Tom, sends me "puppy pictures" from time to time and recently he sent me this one. These are my 2 "granddogs" Carson and Joey. Carson is the older of the two, but they both are great pets and are so excited to see people, especially me.

They certainly have the right philosophy though. Fill your days with eating, drinking and resting. I think this is a great idea. I just need to lay down on the couch and enjoy the day. I will begin right now! I have learned so much from my "fury" friends.

There's always a first

I did something yesterday that I said I'd never do - I called a man for a date. That in itself isn't so terribly out of character for me, for I often do impulsive things and regret them later, but I actually was disappointed he didn't even call back. So, on my first try, I strike out.

I am actually beginning to question my "date-ability" mainly because of friends who are trying to "fix me up" and the candidates to whom they are introducing me. One friend called and said she had 3 "possibilities" for me but she had a few questions first -
1. Did he have to have teeth? When I said "YES!!!", she said "Oh well. That eliminates one."
2. Did he have to speak English? I again said, "YES!!!" Elimination #2, and
3. Does ethnicity matter? That was a no.
So, I guess some time next week I am to meet this person for whom she thinks I would enjoy "dating".

I don't usually call what I do dating, for to me that implies interest in something more, possibly leading to marriage. And, I am really NOT searching for a spouse, so I usually say I just have an "appointment" with someone. Terminology matters to me, at this point.

All of this recent interest in the opposite sex has led me to "jump to some interesting" questions and conclusions:

Am I dateable?
What "personna" do I project?
What DO I want other people to know about me?
And, will I call someone again?

Who knows.

I suspect my husband is standing somewhere watching me and having a great laugh out of all this. That would be just like him.