TOO PERSONAL?

Writing in a journal is very therapeutic for me. When blogging came along, I found I enjoy typing out my thoughts and sharing them with whomever chooses to read it. I never really thought about them being too personal until yesterday when Maria said she had read them and that she felt she was intruding on my private life.

I agree that they are personal but I haven't a problem with this. For many years, I was bound by a "code" of silence, so to speak. My family believed that "NOTHING" was discussed "ANYWHERE" or with "ANYONE" if it was of a personal nature. Superficial doesn't hurt and you don't have to be honest with your feelings and emotions. That way of thinking almost cost me my life.

About 15 or so years ago I was forced to take an "up close and personal" look at my life. I was in crises and didn't know what to do about it. Thanks to God, a close friend, an MD, physcologist, therapy, and medication, I was able to get back on an even footing. With all of that, I have been able to release the emotions that bound me for so long and prompts me now to want to finish my degree in counseling, which I WILL do!

What is our purpose on this Earth? I believe it is to love and serve. God first, of course; friends/family a close second and any other living creature on this earth that we are priviledged to come in contact with during our short stay here.

Yes. These are very personal writings. Yes. I am opening up all my feelings and emotions to "the world", so to speak. Do I mind doing that? Not if it can help someone else. Will I continue? Definitely! Why? If someone can gain something from my ramblings, that will be worth it. But I can tell you now, it helps me far more than it could ever help anyone else.

New Apartment; New Life

Yes. It seems as if it is really happening. We sign the papers for the new apartment on January 31, and Bob will be moving in soon after we have it painted. I, of course, will NOT move in until after the wedding on March 11. But, we are in the process of acquiring new furniture and that is exciting.

Bob's eclectic taste tends to lean more toward (to put it nicely) "Shabby Cheque". My taste, on the other hand, is more traditional. We all know who will win this discussion - Me, of course because he will eventually give in, like he always does, and after all, it IS all about me. For those of you that know me, I have said this for years. And, as you also know, it isn't all about me.

It is all about God's love for me. I don't know WHY GOD loves me, but I know He does and with that comes so many blessings I wouldn't know where to start to share them all. But, one of the PERKS of having God's love and blessings is my family and the many friendships I have been honored with over the years. No one in this world has been showered with more love than me. And, for this I am so humbly grateful.

Even though my life is "full" right now and there is little extra wiggle room for thinking pensive thoughts, I contemplate the road I have taken. As I look back, I see many events that could have led me on another path had I chosen differently. Mistakes? Definitely! But I don't dwell on those. Joys? By all means; way more than I deserve. Laughs? Always; mostly with those close dear friends. Excitement? Oh yeah. And, this new road? I feel like Dorothy and her friends. Oz is just around the corner.

What is Normal?

According to Patsy Clairmont, "Normal is just a setting on your dryer." For me, it's a comfort zone of where I live. Wednesday was a much better day, emotionally, and the evening went great. I am truly blessed to have such a great man enter my life.

We went to eat @ a small cafe in Celebration. It was good comfort food and as it was starting to get cold with the impending rain, it really hit the spot. I, of course, lean toward healthy food (meatloaf, mashed potatoes, squash medley and Caesar salad). Bob was down a pint in his daily "grease" quota, so he had fish and chips, also quite good because I HAD to taste it.

I don't know why the men in my life seem to gravitate to unhealthy food groups. Bob's not much on sweets and he also likes salads, but he really has the grease thing going on. My and my son Tom's appetite for all foods is actually an anomaly in my immediate family. Edward, Charles and the girls are very picky eaters. Bret is kind of "eclectic" in his taste. Julie will eat a lot of different things with a primary penchant for Chinese. This makes things very interesting when we get together for meal times.

Personalities are also varied in my group. Some are high maintenance; some not so much. It is always fun with the girls, but the guys are all leaders of some sort and there just really needs to be some followers at times. I look forward to all the impending holidays.

Celebrations can be a myrid of emotions. I'm already getting "suggestions" for the reception and that is supposed to be low key. I'm sure if it wouldn't be too obvious, I could even get ideas for how to spend the rest of my life. That certainly has been known to happen in my circles. Ah. Every day is a challenge and reward. That's what makes each day interesting in my world.

MELTDOWN TIME

Being a girl is not my lifetime ambition. I always took it for granted that there were some emotions that came along with the job other than the obvious one. And, anyone who knows me knows that I don't cry easily. I guess I am more stressed than I thought because last night was a (as my mother would say) "doozy" of a meltdown.

The term "meltdown" has been bantered about in the last few years in the education field to cover erratic behavior in children especially when they behave badly. I felt it was a cop-out until it actually happened to me. Isn't that the way it usually goes?

Bob brought me home early from dinner, about 7 pm. As usual I was getting my costume ready for Wed, as it is supposed to be cold and I have to switch to my "turtleneck shirt, long pants, heavy sock, etc. I put on my night clothes, got under the covers and the tears just started. I don't know why.

I called Bob to tell him something I had forgotten and I couldn't stop the tears. Of course he wanted to know what was wrong and I couldn't even tell him for all the "sniffing and sob-sobbing. (I think I just wanted to hear his voice tell me it would be okay.) Who knows what he thought but he tried his best to calm me down and when I was somewhat coherent I explained to him that I didn't know "why" I was crying and that I didn't usually behave that way. He said he understood. I'm glad he did because I sure didn't.

Maybe I am too tired. Maybe all the planning is getting to me. I don't know. I DO know this - a good night's sleep will do wonders and I'm glad to report that I feel much better today. I get to go to the "most magical place on earth" and work with a fantastic team of people and that is always a good thing.

46 and holding

Planning is something I have a tendency to "over do" so it doesn't usually bother me any more when something doesn't go exactly as planned. As you know if you have been reading the saga of my impending wedding, Bob is a "seat of the pants" planner. (This marriage should be interesting) And, anyone who has ever gotten married or helped plan a wedding knows how much there is to do to get ready. Sooooo, in addition to working 5-6 days a week, I am also trying to get "all my ducks in a row" for this March 11 event.

We got the license yesterday and put a deposit down on an apartment. It is in the same complex as I now live-2b/2b. Bob will move in some time around the middle of February. We both like the neighborhood and it is convenient to both our jobs, so it seemed the "prudent and logical" thing to do.

The apartment complex DOES rent the clubhouse for events so that seems the best place to have the ceremony. Byron has cleared the date to be here. The next step is the caterer, and I am working on that.

Conversed briefly with Byron's wife Mary yesterday and he is leaving today for another trip to Israel. I told her to tell him to be careful. I need him here for March 11. They attended my first ceremony in Nashville in 1967. He performed the 2nd one in Florida in 1993. It seems only right that he should help me get married this time too. I did assure her that this was the LAST time he would need to be available.

There is so much love for Mary and Byron. They have been here for all "the good, the bad and the ugly" in my life but they have also been here for celebrations, uplifting events and yes, even the many weddings. They are longtime college friends and even if we don't communicate with each other on a daily basis, there is still that bond that keeps us together as friends. I can't imagine my life without them.

Bob is a hopeless romantic-something I am really not use to. (He denys it no matter how much I tell him) He brings me flowers, opens the car door for me (when I remember to let him), and has added many details to the planning of the wedding. He did ask me WHEN I knew I was in love with him. I told him when he took my hand on our first date. He returned with the comment, "I have loved you all my life; I just didn't know it until I met you." You gotta love a guy like that!

Unusual?

Bob asked me what type of ring I wanted for our wedding. I thought about it and decided that I didn't need diamonds or a plain band. I had those with my former marriage. I found one I wanted.

It is a gold band with "Mickey" heads on it. "Are you SURE this is what you want?" he asked. I assured him it was. We MET at Disney; We have DATED at Disney; it is only fitting that we have a Disney ring.

(The picture is not a good picture, but you get the idea.)

So, I have one for him to put on my finger. He has one he will wear on a chain around his neck. He can't wear it on his hand because of the dangers in his profession. He could catch in on some of the equipment and tear off a finger. That would certainly NOT be good.

Only 7 more weeks. I can't believe it. And, I can't wait.

It is all good

Things are progressing quite nicely from where I sit. Bob has met my older son, Tom, and it went well. It is really "surreal" introducing your son to your fiance. I can't believe this little boy that I gave birth to so long ago is the young man that was sitting across from me who is now grown, living on his own and functioning in his world.

I am very proud of both my sons. I can remember their childhood antics, the school-time years and the graduations for both of them-high school and college. I have a lot to be thankful for.

I am the typical "cancer", the crab person. Whenever threatened, I retreat, reflect on whatever has happened, and then crawl out of the shell and act accordingly. I have always been the sensible, level-headed person, who did what was supposed to be done and went where she was supposed to go. But not now. Bob says I sulk. I don't think that is it.

When I was in therapy, my counselor helped me work through the items of my life with a systematic, analytical way of looking at things. I try to do that now. I am about to make a major step in my life and I am trying to work through all of this that is involved. There is so much to do and with working 6 days a week, it doesn't leave much "extra" time to complete it.

Would I change anything? Maybe work less hours. Am I sure about this decision? I am more sure about this than anything I have done in several years. And you know, I can't wait to get started on this new phase of my life.

He asked.

Well, he asked me to marry him. I said yes. And, the date is set. March 11 @ 2:00 pm in Orlando, FL.

This is Bob

For those of you who have wanted to know what the new guy looks like, here he is. We were on Hudson beach this week-end and I took this with my phone. Bob is 5'6" tall, with brown eyes and works for a competitive theme park. And, he makes me laugh. (It has been a long time.)


I wanted to introduce him to Grouper and "Inn On The Gulf" has the best 'going' in this area. Long way to go for fish, but well worth it. BeBe is one of the waitresses. I've know her for years. She will take great care of you when you visit. I recommend the Grouper fingers. There is enough to share so I would advise getting only one serving. You might want to add a salad to share. My personal favorite is the Village Salad. Greek salad without the lettuce.


We also went to Tarpon Springs while in the area. It is one of my favorite places to visit locally and he had never been. I have so much fun introducing him to new places and things. Tarpon is a great place to get most anything. It is one of the few "quaint" villages left. Although the infamous Pappas Restaurant is no longer in business, you can get great food there at one of the local establishments. My personal favorite is Platkas.


I have a lot of Greek friends. One of them, Joseph who lives here in "O" town, likes the goat cheese that we can buy in a little market on one of the streets off the main drag of "Dodcanese Blvd". (I hope I spelled that correctly). So, of course, I had to get him some. He was working today and we took it to him at the park. We stayed for a while and had dinner there.


The parks are a great place to visit. We get in free, so the only expense you have to incur is for food. If you know where to shop, you can get great eats. This park is kind of special in that it is where Bob took me on our first date.


Tomorrow, which is already today by the way, he is working and I am going to church in the am. We are getting a new cleaning person and I have a lot to do before she arrives Monday. I DON'T clean before the cleaning person shows up, but neither Charles or I have been home much lately so there are things that definitely need to be put away, especially all the presents from Christmas, cds, etc.


Bob is going to church with me @ 6. We are having a group called "Shades of Green" singing and I thought this would be a nice way to introduce him to my church family. We can't stay long because he must be @ work by 4 and he needs to get SOME sleep. This will be interesting. He has not met either of "natural sons" nor has he met Bret, Julie and the girls. He knows how much they mean to me and he's a little nervous about meeting them. I have assured him that they only want my happiness so they will be excited to meet him. I pray this is true because I have a feeling he is going to be in my life for a VERRRRRRY long time and that makes me smile.

WHEN?

When is enough, enough? When will I be allowed my own time? And, when am I old enough to make decisions for myself?

Sometimes I feel as if I am 5 years old and I am too inept or too stupid to know when I am having a good time and what is best for me. Somehow I have made it all these "ahem" years and not done too badly. I have a fairly nice car, great job and pay all my bills on time. I have never had anything repossessed. I have tried never to buy anything I can't afford. And, even though I spend too much money, I go for months without buying anything. So why can't I pick out who I want to date, or even marry?

I don't know. It seems everyone thinks they know what is best for me. I wonder. Do they really or am I going to be left alone to make my own decisions and yes, even mistakes?

EXCITING

Events of late have made me stop and evaluate my status. At this age in my life, I think I should be able to see a view of life from an introspective way. I am over 50; I have a terriffic job; I can do most anything I like; I can go most anywhere I want. God is good. The only cog in this wheel of life for me was that I was lonely.

Let's face it. This is not a world of "single" individuals. It is TOTALLY geared for couples. And, God ordained it that way. Doing things together is a great way to spend an evening. Just walking absolutely no where is an adventure.

Seeing things from another person's perspective is kind of neat. It is exciting. And, it is absolutely eye opening. Did you know that the stars light up the night in no way street lights can? Did you know that on a somewhat cold night, standing next to someone you like can make you not so cold? And, did you also know that brown eyes can be more exciting than blue ones? Amazing isn't it?

I Was Wrong

Admitting that I am wrong isn't easy for me. It never has been. I think I get the attitude from my parents, WHO NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG IN THEIR LIVES. But in this case, I am glad to admit it. For me, apologizing has gotten easier over the last few years.

I previously said I didn't get a boyfriend for Christmas. Well, I was wrong. God DID send me a new "fellow." It was a real surprise to me when I discovered that I really do like him a lot. I didn't think it was possible to love again. One more time, I was wrong.

God has an amazing way of surprising me with the most wonderful presents. Thank you God.

The New Guy

Things are going VERY well. To be perfectly honest, this guy is not new at all. He is a guy that I have known since last April or May and we have been "talking" for a while. Just lately, we have chosen to know more about each other. And, I really like him a lot. We have so many things in common - where we work; music; ideas on politics; concerts, etc. We even both have Mustangs that we drive. So, what is the problem? I don't know if I am ready for this close of a relationship.

I pride myself on my schedules. I know where I am going; when I am going; and what I am going to do when I get there. Some would even say OCD, or worse! Bob doesn't fit that mold. He "flies" by the seat of his pants, or so he says. He actually asks my opinion on things and wants my input on decisions.

I know I like being with him. I know we talk about anything and everything. He seems to "know" me and even completes sentences for me, with the exact words I was thinking. How is it possible to know so much about someone in such a short period of time? I don't know. I do know this. It could be the start of something very good.

PS: It is now 3 am and Bob just called to say how much he enjoyed last night and that he misses me. (Isn't that sweet) He's on his way to work. This is good.

Headache or Heartbreak

Yesterday I mentioned a new guy I had met, and what a good time I had with him. Today he called me to see how I was doing. He knew I was upset about a friend's mother and he said he was concerned about me and my day.

I didn't have my phone today. I thought I had left it at home, but found out after I got home that it had slid down under my front seat, which is where I finally found it. I had 6 calls that I missed. I didn't even know he had called until I called a number that was on my phone. (I didn't have his number). It was really nice to hear his voice and for a little while, my headache, that I had had most of the day, went away. He makes me laugh and he wanted to listen about my day. So what is that little voice in the back of my head saying?

It is saying that:
1. He's not a Christian. One rule I have followed since Tom died is that I don't go out with guys that I could get serious with that are not Christians.
2. I really would like a chance with "J". He IS a Christian and I thought we got along well.
3. How will "the new guy" get along with my friends and family? ( "J" would fit in better).

I guess what I am saying is I shouldn't like him. But, I do. And I don't know how to deal with this.

Magic?

Dating people you work with isn't always a good idea. It can cause all kinds of problems that I won't go into. I don't usually make this a practice, but I made an exception tonight.

Kidding around with most of the people I work with is a daily past time. I am told I have a quick wit and I can go back and forth with the best of people. So, when this guy started kidding back and forth with me, I of course had some fast come backs. Well, he called and asked me to go to dinner at one of restaurants in one of the parks. I love my job, and I love going to the parks so it wasn't a far stretch for me to accept his invitation.

We ate @ an Irish Pub, rode rides, walked in the rain; very romantic. It's been a while since I've had an evening like that. Would I go out with him again? Yeah, probably. Will he ask? I don't know. But it would certainly be interesting to get to know him. We'll see how it goes.

To Do or Not To Do?

Confrontation is not easy for me. I come from a family of "avoiders." The philosophy, unspoken but practiced, is "Leave it alone. It will fix itself." This is not always the case.

I went to our storage space today and discovered that approximately 1/3 of our "stuff" is no longer there. When Julie and I went there to get the Christmas decorations in November, there were boxes from back to front and stacked up almost to the top of the space. No so now.

The remaining boxes were not stacked neatly, a lid was off a remaining storage bin, and there was more than enough room for the Christmas decoration boxes we were returning in addition to the three new large bins we had just purchased.

I'm not accusing anyone. I want to make that perfectly clear!!! But, the only people I know were in there were our cleaning people. The husband offered to return our empty Christmas boxes to storage for me. So, do I change the lock to the storage, change the combination to enter the area, have the lock to the apartment changed and notify the cleaning people that we no longer need their services? Or, do I just continue the way we are going and try to ignore the feelings I have?

There are decisions that I have to make. My son wants to be left out of it. He said to do what I think I need to do. Probably, if there had not been items I can not find in the apartment, I would ignore it.

I am forced to admit, "I have to do something." There are decisions to be made and I hate making them by myself. (Where is Tom when I need him?) Being a grownup is not all it's cracked up to be.

Sadness

Down deep, I know death is a part of life. That seems like a paradox, but yet it makes sense. I have received word that my husband's aunt just died. She was such a special person.

My in-laws were not really very happy when Tom and I were talking about getting married. Not so with Irlene. She was so approving of me without any reservations and welcoming me into the family with great warmth. She and Tom were a lot alike - gentle, accepting, with a funny sense of humor. I can't think of her without thinking of Tom's Grandparent's homestead in Highway, KY. They lived on what they raised. And man could they cook!!! I can almost taste all the great veggies they fixed.

I will miss Irlene. It is frequently said, "Oh they are in a better place." Never has that been more true for anyone, especially for her. She developed Alzheimer's a few years ago, and she really had not been "of this world" for many years. It was very sad. Now she is finally home. I know she and Tom are having a great reunion. I'm a little jealous.

'Twas The Day After Christmas

Christmas is now officially over. Did I get my boyfriend from Santa? Alas, "Ah - No!" unfortunately. I DID SEE "A Boyfriend For Christmas" that Hallmark replayed for the umpteenth time this holiday season. And, as cute as it was, and as sentimental as I am, it really didn't do a lot for me. And, I also didn't get a new computer or car or house. Whiny, huh?

As my good friend and fellow accountability partner Vickie would say, "Would I like a little cheese with that whine?" Yes, I am really pitiful!

Did I really expect all those things I mentioned? No. Not really. I DID get lots of nice presents (more than I deserved); spent time with close friends and relatives; ate too much, and also got some rest time, which are all positives. Now I can go back to work and get ready for New Years. I wonder if the New Year's Baby brings presents. "Hummmmmmmmm" If not, my birthday is in July.

Here Comes Santa Claus

Most holidays are pretty routine to some people; not in my household. NOTHING can be considered routine with the family.

As most everyone knows, I live with my youngest son. He, being an exec. does not have to work on Christmas, but I volunteered since I haven't small children and at the time of the sign up, I didn't know my sister-in-law and niece were coming to visit. Now the dilemma is to find a time when all of us can get together, and around my work time.

My older son had a birthday yesterday and chose to celebrate on Friday over here with us. He brought some friends and I think he had a nice time. We ended up with dinner @ a Japanese Restaurant in the park.

Being the type A, controlling personality that he inherited from his grandmother, (and maybe the way his mother used to be) he decided he wasn't driving ALLLLLLLLL the way back over here for Christmas. (approximately 1 hr) He doesn't have to go back to work until Tuesday. (As Julie would say, "Makes you want to go hmmmmm").

Yes; it would be easier on me, especially since I have to be @ work by 7:00 that day. And, Yes, I would really appreciate it. Is it going to happen? Probably not. Now I have to figure out how to pack another thing into an already busy week. But, it's Christmas and I DO want to spend time with him, and see my "baby dog" Carson. And, Tom is a great cook. So, I'll probably drive over there. I can always sleep at some later time.

I did ask Santa for a new boyfriend. That will be very interesting to see how that happens. I can't wait. Well, actually I asked Santa AND GOD. I figured I'd hedge my bet with the two "biggest" names I know. I have found out that in life it never hurts to cover all your bases.

My Life

Life is certainly interesting. Just when I think I know where it is going, I am surprised with where it went.

A popular country-western song right now is, "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" says Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful life. And, for the most part that is true. The surprises in my life certainly make things 'interesting, if not enjoyable.'

As I look back over this past year, I see twists and turns that I never saw coming. And, I see comfortable spots where I rested for a while. Life happens, even when I'm not ready for it. But I must say, I am truly blessed. It certainly isn't the life I would have chosen, but it's a "Wonderful Life."

SORRY IS A NECESSARY WORD

While on this earth and married to me, my husband Tom taught me many things. He taught me that kindness is always in style; mercy doesn't cost you anything; love is expanding; and saying you're sorry is especially necessary when you have acted like an idiotic, raving lunatic.

Last week I met a very nice man, that I will probably never see again. I totally embarrassed myself with him and unless a miracle occurs, something that could have been, isn't going to happen. He will never learn that I have a kind heart. He will not know how much I love helping people. He won't know what a good cook I "can be." But, most of all, he will never be able to know and love the real me. This make me sad.

Going beyond tired, I am weary. Tom always said I "overbooked my time," and I certainly have proven him right once more. It seems that the more tired I am, the "stupider" I get and the more mistakes I make. Even now, it is 4 am and I can't sleep because my mind is exploding with all the things that need to be done, half of which I probably won't be able to do simply because of time constraints.

My wise and talented Mother used to say, "Some people live and learn, and some people just live." (I still hear her words of wisdom even long after her demise.) I certainly haven't learned time management very well. Still, as we approach a brand new year, I believe there is always hope. Hope for humanity; hope for our country, and hope I can at least make it through the next few days of this year with a modicum of sanity.

Crazy Days

Work the last few days has been extremely hectic. I have recently been promoted and although I haven't "officially" been trained or moved into the position, responsibilities have been extended and expectations are being acknowledged. I really don't mind that, but I some times feel extremely "frustrated" by not being able to do some of the tasks. My friends seem to think I am have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and some times even a little anal about getting things completed. With that in mind, you can understand my frustration.

I still love my job though. There are actually times when I have a hard time believing that I am so blessed with all that I have and am able to do. I am living my dream. And, that is so totally cool.

911

Last night I had a friend call. She had set up a "blind" date for me. Normally, I decline, gracefully I might add, and I had lots to do on my day off, but I decided this had been a long time happening, so I might as well go ahead.

I have been singing in a local "Christmas" program with a "cast" choir. I have practiced since late August, and have actually sung many times. Guess where he wanted to go? You guessed it; the 5:00 performance of the program, and we were to do dinner afterward. I said, "Ah, okay."

I was okay with going because I really like the Christmas Story and I actually had not seen it from the audience seats this year. Imagine my surprise when I actually had a great time. This is one of the few "setups" by friends that went well. He is a very nice man and we seem to get along okay. He asked for my number and I got his. So what's the problem? He hasn't called!

I expected him to be so overwhelmed by my "charm, conversation, beauty, etc." that he would have a hard time getting home before he called. Well, maybe not that bad, but what is with men anyway? As a book title says, "Maybe he's just not that into you." It could be true. Oh well. Am I sitting by the phone, pineing for his call? No, not exactly. You see, I have a cell phone and I can pine while I am driving from place to place. Ah, modern technology. What would we do without it? (And, oh yes, I passed on dinner).

Dilemma

When faced with choices, I don't always make the right decision. For those of you who know me, I know that is hard to believe. But, for those of you who don't, this is a surprise. This is a serious one though.

I have a VERY close friend whose child is stealing from me. I know it. The child knows I know it, and they do it anyway. What do I do? If I let the parent know, I risk the chance of losing the friend. I would really hate to do that. If I don't, the child will continue. And, I can't trust them. This is one of those can't win dilemmas.

Two Turkey Days?

Eating at one Thanksgiving Day meal is quite a lot. But, two? I felt like we were doing a "Gilmore" Thanksgiving Day Marathon, but only on a smaller scale. I had forgotten to take pictures at the first celebration, but I took plenty at the second one, especially of Carson, my baby dog:


This is before eating, with Carson checking out all the food being put on the table.

This is Carson, after eating. He found he needed to relax also.

Tom decided to try to get Carson to move to another location. Carson wasn't moving. He likes to be the center of attention.

This is More relaxing after eating - Tom, Eric, Sonia, and Charles - Watching some sort of thing on tv.

And, last but not least, Betty, Ed's mother, the back of Ed's head, and Tom and Eric again.

Not a very energetic group. But, as we all know, it's nap time.

YUCK

This is the day before Thanksgiving and I am sick at home. Bummer, huh? I don't even know if I will feel well enough to go to a friend's house and celebrate tomorrow. She is a food editor for a very famous Theme Park and last year's dinner was amazing. And, I am missing work.

Speaking of last year, I DID end up in the hospital with pneumonia last year, so this is definitely better. I think I caught the infection soon enough. I started feeling worse yesterday at work and called the Dr's office for an appointment. Fortunately, she could see me. Diagnosis was bronichial, sinus, ear infection; the big three. So, I was sent home to go to bed and that is where I have been ever since I got home.

Today has been a very lazy day. I don't know when I have "rested" this much - laid around, did very little - washed a load of clothes, checked my e-mail, realphabetized the cds and eaten several times. It has certainly been interesting.

I have applied for another job in Research. It is one-step up, a little more money, and more responsibilities. I think I'm ready. We'll see if they are ready for me.

My friend Sherry has a guy she wants me to meet. His name is Jesse. She says he's a "snappy" dresser. I could be intiminated by this guy. I rarely go out with guys who dress better than me. It could certainly be interesting. We'll see how it goes.

I asked Kris to go to the Christmas Party with me. I sent him an e-mail, but he hasn't responded. I don't know if he has read it or not. "S" says he has been very busy right now, so who knows. Maybe he's just avoiding me.

My son is fixing some things to take to my other son's house for tomorrow. We're doing 2 T-day dinners; probably because one is not enough or just because we can. It should be a day to talk about. We'll see. Sounds like a "Gilmore" marathon t-day. They had 5 dinners one year. Thank goodness we're only doing 2.

My sister-in-law and niece are coming for Christmas. It is always great to have them visit. "L" and I are close and I really appreciate her for so many reasons. When Tom died she took his shirts and made me a quilt out of them. She is very talented and artistic. It is so beautiful. It was truly a labor of love. It is one of my prized possessions. I will always be grateful to her for that.

My son has gone to the store. He is picking up a prescription for me and getting some additional things for his "stuffing" he is making. If I don't die from over eating tomorrow, I'll have some pictures to post. We'll see how it goes.

I Love My Job

Each week is filled with memorable people. I get to meet people from all over the world and even though the faces start to run together, every once in a while there are some that just make you laugh out loud.

We happened to have a few such encounters the other night. I don't usually work nights, but Sat night Tony and I were working late and he stopped a lady to ask her for some information - "Are you over 18?" In bobble head fashion, she nodded yes. "Do you work here?" No, again bobble headed. "Did you eat breakfast, lunch or dinner here?" (The head was working over time) Yes. And before he could ask her another question, moving to within two inches of Tony's face, she blurted out, with two fingers held high in a "V" shape, "I VOTED FOR KERRY!!!" and walked on down the concrete toward the Exit. For the rest of the night, Tony and I HAD to use that as a response to most any question that we asked each other. We had a ball laughing.

Also that night, I was talking with a mother who was holding a child about 2 years old with another child, about 5 years of age, in a stroller. The younger child was babbling while we talked and the only thing I could make out was "water park." So I asked him if he was going to the water park. The older child spoke up and said, "No we're not going to the water park. We've already been; that's why my butt is so wet." That was my excuse for the rest of the night when something would go wrong. (I have found it helps to have excuses ready.)

[There should be a law against having this much fun at work.]

Oops

Once again, I have proved if a mistake can be made, I will do it. I entered my time wrong last night. This is very serious because the time has to be approved in order to get paid. I don't know about you but I like being paid for the work I do. So, I have tried to figure out what happened on Nov 4, and that will be hard because I have slept since then. I have a very smart pillow though, because most of what I learn during the day seems to seep out during the night. That makes it very hard the next day when my "short-termed memory" can't find the info. Sometimes you just have to "tap dance" and that is hard when you don't know how.

I went to another concert tonight. It was Jon Secada singing on stage. I really didn't know his music and was pleasantly surprised when his concert was over. The "friend" I was with tonight wanted to get something to eat afterward. His choice was MickeyD's. Not my favorite place; not many healthy foods there. He seems to like "fried" foods and the such. I'm not much on Mickey's food, but I found a sandwich and some fruit which at least seemed to be somewhat healthier than their other fare. I'm going to have to help him change his eating habits, slowly of course, because it's not only healthier but better for him, too. (We'll see.)

On the way home, I HAD TO HAVE the top down on my car. He thinks it's silly. So did Tom. I'm okay with that. Obviously they have never enjoyed a car as much as I enjoy my Mustang. Anyone who owns one knows "It's never too hot or too cold to have the top down." It's just common knowledge! I don't know why some people have a problem understanding that. It's really quite simple to me. And yet, it really doesn't matter, does it?

Concerts

Last night's concert with Chubby Checker was TOTALLY awesome. I don't know about you, but I love the "Motown" music of the 50s/60s. Last night was no exception. Chubby Checker is still a 'twister' and looks fabulous. He sang; he danced; he sweated, and so did we.

I also met a new friend last night. Her name is Ruthie. She is from NY and once worked where I do now. She misses Florida and hopes to get back here soon. We had a great evening as she fit right in with my group of friends, who are crazy and have fun. She took lots of pics and has promised to give me some before she leaves. (She brought her photo printer with her; smart lady)

I'm going to the Arabian Knights tonight. I'm not sure what that is all about, but our work group is going and we always have fun together. Sounds like a good time.

I'm trying to get into my checking account online. They are trying out a new computer system. It was supposed to have been working since Monday, but I haven't been able to access my account yet to see how it has been changed. I'm hoping this is not a sign of things to come. So far, I'm not impressed.

This bring me to one of my biggest, recent complaints - computer systems. Why is it the first few "whatever" times a new system is being used, it rarely works properly. Do they not "test" the system? Or, is it that it is filed under "It seemed like a good idea at the time." Who knows. I hated programming, but I do know - When it works, it's great. When it doesn't, watch out. Right now, I'm not happy with several different places that I can't access information from because they are launching new systems. Oh well. "Just another day in paradise."

Shangrala

I'm trying this new "health" plan. I read about it in some woman's magazine and it sounded easy and actually simple to do, so I thought, "Why not?" It is an interesting concept. It uses "sugar" are a catalyst to begin your day. In some way, it balances your body's minerals and suppresses the appetite. Too good to be true? I thought so too.

I bought the book, only $11.00. Not bad. If nothing else, I can just add it to my library. I don't know about you, but I have tried just about every "diet" plan that was ever invented, coming and going. Ever since I was a child, I have battled the weight problem. My weight has "yoyo-ed" all my life. I am sometimes jealous of the people I know that can eat anything and never gain any weight. Annnnnnnd, the really skinny ones are always talking about how fat they are, or how much weight they have gained. Sickening right?

I work with this cute young thing named Kim who wears a size 6 and constantly complains about how much weight she has gained. I don't think I wore a 6 when I was 6. Even though I love this lady, she hasn't a clue what it is like to be really overweight.

I've been "doing" the plan for about 2 weeks. I've not lost much, only 7 lbs, but I really do "feel" better. I don't get up in the morning aching any more. I don't get hungry, or the cravings like I once did, and I can "think" better than I use to before this plan. All in my mind? Maybe. If that is the case, then yeah, I'll continue this for a few more weeks to see what happens. Who knows? Maybe my mind will catch up with my body and they will both lose weight and function better. I can't wait to find out. (Stay tuned)

WHAT IS WITH THIS WEEK?

Why is it when you "think" you have your day all planned, it doesn't "quite" turn out like you thought it would? This seems to be the norm for me this week.

I had this, what I thought was, wonderful day planned for my son to celebrate his birthday, which was actually on Oct 20. He was supposed to be out of town, then he wasn't-he was home, then he didn't feel like partying because he was sick, then he went out of town again, and just got home Thursday.

On Thursday I went to a concert with this very nice man and was looking forward to dinner afterward. My son's flight was snowed in @ the Denver airport and it looked as if he wouldn't be able to leave. My last communication with him was that it didn't look good. I happened to check with the airline between the concert and dinner and found out his flight was not only in the air, but was only 30 minutes late, and I was 30 minutes away from the airport at that time. I had to change plans, and driving directions.

And, then today, with reservations again to celebrate, I couldn't get off of work. I worked until after 5 and only 2 people showed up to eat with him. I felt so bad; even his brother couldn't make it.

I must be "out of synch" lately. I don't know what is happening to my planning abilities. Maybe I haven't thought through my schedules, or could it be I'm "trying to pack too many things into one day" as Tom used to say, or could it be something else? I don't know, but whatever it is, I hope I can get things straightened out this week. If not, oh well. I'll just try to hold on.

My life as I know it

Life is certainly interesting. Where could you walk around all day, "chat" with people, and get paid for it? That is not even mentioning all the perks we get. One of those advantages is getting to enjoy mouth-watering ethnic cuisine, a wonderful concert by the Beach Boys, Three Dog Night, Gloria Gayner (her picture), or The Four Tops and great company with friends. All this AFTER work. I am still smiling.

In my world, I am constantly on the go. My son travels quite a bit and I have his schedule AND mine to work around. He just came back from a trip to LA/San Fran/Seattle/Vancouver. I picked him up at the airport and gave him the good news that his car battery is dead and so is the air conditioner in the house. (Kind of like giving your husband all the bad news when he hits the front door). I probably should not have done that so soon after his arrival, but he asked.

My love life is "null and void" right now. I've been attending concerts with a new friend and things are going well. We are NOT a "couple"; just friends attending concerts and catching some food before or afterward, but it's different to enjoy male company and not have to worry about the ending of the evening. I don't know if this will lead anywhere; probably not, but that's okay too. It's nice to have friends.

Sandwiched in between schedules is also "Processional" practice, church, Dr appointments, and a myriad of errands. Crazy, huh? To quote one country western song, "Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful life." That pretty much says it all.

So much to do; So little time

I have so much to do on my day off. My son was supposed to help some people get into a hotel and since he is in NY, I am doing this. I also have to make a trip to my old "stomping grounds" because of info I need for a presentation, AND, I have an appointment to get my "ugly" hair cut from my favorite guy, Larry.

Larry has cut my hair for the last 15 or so years, so he knows me very well. He is a genius, and an artist. He knows all the "nooks and crannies" on my head and compensates for them, the shape of my head, and even gets the blond streaks positioned nicely.

So you see, another busy day off. And, I am working on my other day off this week. Sounds rough? Not really. I love my job. The condo was cleaned today and all my clothes are caught up right now, so I really haven't any complaints, right? I just like to " express" myself, and this is my best venue.

Now that it is sufficiently late and I am winding down, it IS time to go to bed. So, like it has been said by another lady, "Tomorrow IS another day."

The Old Grind

With two days off, I feel like a slug. I haven't been to work in 7 days. SEVEN count them, SEVEN days. The last time I had seven straight days off I was working for the school system and it was Christmas of 2000. (I think)

Today I return to work. Not a heavy schedule, mind you; just 3 hours. Maybe that is good. I don't even know if my mind is still working. I haven't had to think, make decisions, or cook. Wow. That sounds pretty good just thinking about it.

Chicago was "interesting, if not enjoyable." I'm glad I went to Jen's wedding; it was totally awesome. I reunited with old friends. I met some new ones. I was even a tourist, somewhat. And, I totally spent too much money. But, as you know, I have a tendency to do that. Tom was my "string holder." I always compared us to a balloon and the balloon holder; we all know which was which.

I also have processional practice tonight and Friday night. I hope to make both. I was hoping to have a date Friday night, but I can't seem to fit it into the schedule. Oh well. It's only my life. And, as everyone knows, change is the one dependable thing in life, except for death.

More Chicago

Up Michigan Ave












Out our hotel window

Out a window at Sear Tower - Zero Visability.

I am so glad to be back in Florida. I got in my car today, put the top down, and "basked" in the sunshine.

WAHOO! I LOVE FLORIDA!!!

THE Event

Once again, while attending a wedding I am "led back" to my own weddings to face reality. This one was no exception.

It was raining. I got totally soaked from waist to foot. Before I left the hotel, I looked presentable. After that, all bets were off.

(The bride "to be" at the rehearsal dinner)

The chapel was small, but tastefully decorated. Most everyone was in black/white or shades and combinations of it. No oranges, no reds, not even "perky purple." It is Chicago in Sept. White was only present as accents.

I got to see old friends and make new ones. A couple I was reacquainted with I had not seen in 6 years. Such a long time especially when you think they only live less than 5 miles from us. Shameful. I hope to correct that when we return home.

The wedding coordinator was buzzing around; the flower girl was the usual cute little relative that "did her thing" and then tried to remove the pins holding her hair that was put up in curls. The reception, held at Maggianos, was more food and booze than I had seen for a long time. And, for all intents and purposes, a good time was had by all.

(The cake BEFORE)

Weddings make me nostalgic. My mind immediately goes back to my own. My first one (most everyone knows Tom and I were married twice) was simple; more so than this one. We didn't have a lot of money, neither did my parents. We didn't go to Hawaii for several weeks. We went to the "Smokies" for two days. Yet, I remember the day as if it was yesterday instead of 40 years ago. Maybe I reminisce because of the rain, because it was a similar night weather wise. Or, maybe the chapel setting, similar to ours. I don't know exactly, but I could see Tom at the altar instead of D. I could see Dr. Martin, instead of the pastor who was really there and I could hear me promising to "have and to hold, etc." instead of this young bride.

What did I promise? "til death do us part?" What does that really mean? Did I know how it would end? Not in my wildest dreams. I think a country western song says it best, "I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." And, when you get right down to it, "the dance" was way more than I could have hoped.

Downtown

Last night Carmen gave us a tour of downtown Chicago. She could be a taxi driving, extremely informational tour guide. She was awesome. She was in Florida for a while working with my son and they have stayed in touch over the years. Good thing. She was so good that I felt brave enough to "take on Chicago" by myself. And, I didn't do such a bad job because of her.

(This is Charles, Carmen and me @ Cheesecake Factory in Oak Brook after our tour of downtown.)

Charles let me out on North Michigan and I was to walk south about 30 blocks back to the Art Institute while he was in a business luncheon and meeting. There were so many things to look at between the two areas that I only made it back to the Tribune building, which is about 20 blocks.

I shopped. I took pictures. I ate a Chicago hotdog. I drank cappucino @ one of the "gadzillion" Starbucks that was available. And, then I shopped some more. I spent entirely too much money, but a lot of it is "return gifts" for friends and Christmas presents.

Downtown was a lot easier to manipulate than getting across 22nd Street here in Oak Brook. I really did feel like a tourist though.


(This is on the Interstate on the way to downtown)




Of course I had to visit the Apple store. Great 2nd story window showing out.

















This is the 8th floor Mall Area of Chicago Place, where I had my Chicago hotdog. There is also a "Chicago" store for souvenirs of Chicago and, of course, I "HAD" to shop for 'necessary things'.

The views out the windows were great.

This is a view off of one of the downtown bridges.

One of the "disadvantages"of touring is that it is also tiring. By the time I met up with Charles, I was pooped. And, we were to meet Kenny and Art about 6:15; not much time. We decided to return to the hotel. I quickly fell asleep. So much for museums today.

The Windy City

We made it to Chicago.

This is my view, AGAIN. Why is it that every time I go somewhere, this is my view for an elongated period of time. This is probably my lot, but here it is again.

This picture is looking out the plane window leaving Orlando. It was a beautiful sunrise, even through the raindrops.

It was 47 degrees when we arrived in the Windy City. I thought the pilot meant Celsius, but found out, too late, I might add, he meant Fahrenheit. I wanted to stay on the plane and return to Orlando, but they were going on to Vegas. That would have been okay.

I am freezing my "tocus" off. While my tocus can use reducing, I am also turning blue, which isn't very flattering.

I am so glad that I brought my leather coat with me. I reached in my pocket to get my beautiful, black, leather gloves, which match my black, leather coat so nicely, and pulled out my purple wool "Pooh" gloves. Not the same impact of course, but they ARE keeping my hands warm. (I cannot be cool all the time now can I?)

(Chicago from the airplane)

I need someone to play with. Charles is "schmoozing" in lunches and dinners and I am "whining" about the cold and lack of someone else with which to enjoy the town. It is so much harder to whine when there is no one to listen. I texted "S", a former friend, and she had absolutely NO sympathy at all. "Tough love, Baby!" (She is just right down mean!)

I think I will take "S" a souvenir of Chicago; maybe a stale pizza. She will be so grateful that I thought of her.

Wahoo!

It was crunch time. I had 2 hours on Monday before I had to go to work and I "DEDICATED" that time to hunting an outfit. I have always had good luck at Dillards so I headed there. I met this lovely lady named Carmen. I told her "alllllll" about my dilemma and she listened with what seemed all sincerity. And then said, "I think I can help you." I was her slave forever, or at least until I got out of the store.

She took me over to the "fru fru" area and showed me all kinds of outfits that had ruffles, etc. I looked at her and mustered up all my strength and said, "Aaah. Those are just NOT me. I'm not fru fru. I'm more of a pants person." She didn't bat an eyelash. "Okay then. Let's go over here." She took me to another section that had gaucho-type outfits. She showed me one that had flared pants made out of a a "silky" type material and a lacy top with jacket. The pants were fine, but the top didn't do anything for me. She knocked on the changing room door with another top and jacket and those were perfect; even made out of the same material as the pants. The whole outfit cost under $100 because it was on sale. (Isn't God good?)

The only thing wrong with the outfit was that the sleeves were too long. I rushed to the cleaners and begged, promised the moon, and finally talked the nice lady at the cleaners into hemming the sleeves for me to be ready the next evening. (I am so pitiful when I whine) I was ready to kiss her feet. Charles had to pick it up for me because I worked from 7 to 7.

I was up until about 11:00 washing clothes and packing, so when the phone went off at 3 am, I was very annoyed, to say the least. Drinking a Frapacinno and a diet coke didn't give me any energy at all. But I managed, with Charles' help, to make it to the plane, and sit down. I nodded off most of the trip, but couldn't sleep.

We are off on another adventure.

Drama Queen or Princess

I have never thought about myself as being a drama queen, but lately my life has taken on a "persona" all of it's own. Things just seem to happen to me. I'm just standing and watching it go by. Am I being too sensitive? Maybe. But, maybe not.

The latest things are trying to work 75 hrs in one week, and working 14 straight days without a day off. It also seems people are trying to hit my car with their cars. I keep dropping things. I fell asleep during Toby Mac's performance @ NOJ, and last but not least, I CAN'T FIND A DRESS FOR THE WEDDING IN CHICAGO!!! And, I have no time to shop and no days off before I leave.

Am I pitiful or what? The world as I know it is not going to end. I WILL eventually get some sleep. I WILL go to Chicago. I WILL have a great time. The wedding WILL go on as they have planned.

Who could I get to go shopping for me to get an outfit? I need a personal shopper. Are there some listed in the phone book? I don't know, but there should be, especially when I so desperately need one. Am I being too snooty? Am I being too melodramatic? Is it all about me? Yeah. Sometimes it just is.

Dear Tom

Dear Tom:
How are things with you? I miss you terribly and wish you were here. It seems like only yesterday when I last saw you. I'm sorry, but I am starting to forget. The first thing I forgot is your special "smell." It was kind of a sweaty, clammy feeling that you had and you tasted salty when we kissed.

But I DO remember - your beautiful blue, sometimes grayish eyes that twinkled when you smiled, your broken tooth, and the way you peeled apples for me as a snack. I also remember the "through the eyebrows" look you would give me when you were upset with me. Charles has that look. And, he uses it.

He reminds me so much of you - his smile, his broken tooth, his generosity and sense of humor-all your traits. His intelligence and attention to detail is also yours and he blows me away sometimes he is "so" you. He's also gracious, and like you, if he ever gives his heart away, it will be completely.

I still haven't figured out why you loved me. Even when we were @ our worst, you loved and forgave me. How "Christ-like" you were. I learned so much, but I think the most important thing was the unconditional love you always showed.

It will be very hard to find someone that can compare to you, but maybe I need someone NOT like you. I'm not sure where God is leading me, but I know I am lonely. I loved being married, especially being married to you.

I hate dating though. It's kind of a cruel joke to be married and enjoying the experience, and then you die and I'm all alone. So where do I go now? HUH?

I recently met a nice Christian man named Kris. He doesn't make my eyebrows sweat, like Barb says, but neither did you when we first met. He is fun to be with, and he will make a great friend. It is kind of spooky how much we are alike. He even decorated his bathroom in the "beach scene" like I had.

Charles and I are going to Chicago next week for Jennifer's wedding. I am excited about the trip because as you know, I have never visited there. I like traveling with Charles because we always do fun things. With the hours I'm working right now, I can really enjoy the time off. I will have worked 14 or 15 straight days with no days off. (This was supposed to be a part-time job. )

I'm really thankful for my job though. In addition to the money, it allows me to do "other" things; extra things, so I don't really mind even the full time. This is CES time and I have been moving from place to place, but it IS different from my usual work.

Tom III is doing okay, I guess. I rarely see him, but we talk at least once a week. I miss doing breakfast with him and of course, seeing Carson. He changed jobs recently and is working in Tampa for a health care company. He says he likes it and still free-lances, but I don't think he works his own company as much as he was.

They also moved - He and Edward - into a small house, not too far from their old apartment house. He likes St Pete and seems to like his neighborhood. I hope he's happy. In once sense, though, he will never be happy until he surrenders his life to the Lord. I pray someone can reach him with their kind words of guidance. I don't think they go to church anywhere. You know how I always want to "fix" things; one of my many flaws.

I still want to go to school - maybe that will happen - I don't know. Linda is right though, I need to either do it or shut up about it. I still have dreams and aspirations, as you know. I still want God's will. The frustrating part is - I don't know what it is yet. I want to know "the plan." I want to have it mapped out - You know me.

It's really hot here now, but we are heading into fall so we "should" be getting cooler weather soon. At least with this present job, I'm inside most of the time with a/c.

Charles and I are still living in his apartment. I'm "so" wanting to move, even to a rental house, just out of here. We're gone a lot, so it should be ideal but it needs paint, new carpet, etc. - I could go on. But, I like living with Charles. He's easy, but a "slob" - just like you. In so many ways, it's like having you here, but NOT!!!

I find that I am better off NOT "what iffing." Jeff is a nice guy, but God said - ABSOLUTELY NOT! Even if I wanted to have a relationship, Jeff is probably not interested and God is definite. I scare Don. "Little Dan" just likes to talk about his trains, and Mike is no longer in the picture. So, who? And, if not a who, then what? or where?

I like Metro Church. I'm not sure you would like it though - no band or orchestra, but beautiful worship music. It speaks to my heart and so do Dan's sermons. The sermon Sunday was entitled "The Lost Boys." He always has a slant to his way of looking @ scriptures. I am usually convicted and that is not always a bad thing. Dan is usually right on target for me.

You would like Brett and the girls, especially Kayla and Kinzie - They just grab your heart. They have me right where they want me. There isn't much I wouldn't do for them. Brett is like another son and he has music "oozing" out of his pores. And Julie, his wife, is so me, especially when we first got married. But, she IS learning, and she's like a daughter to me. The family is so much fun. I just love them to death and I know you would too, especially the little girls. I'm sorry you didn't get to know them.

I wanted to tell you a few things - I don't know why - I just did. I still love you, honey, with all my heart, and I wish you were here.

Ernesto-Best Case Scenario

When I worked in the Florida school system, in my other life, I enjoyed days off due to weather or whatever happened to be the "reason de jour." We didn't have may days off due to hurricanes. The last time was 2 years ago and it wasn't a joyous time then. We had families displaced, children sleeping in cars for lack of housing, and not enough food to go around.

It is different when it is in "your neighborhood." It isn't fun and it's not fun-ny. I'm sure all of Florida residents are breathing better today when we saw Hurricane Ernesto's winds die down and it is being downgraded to a tropical storm. We DO need the rain though. We have been in drought conditions for several months. So, once again, God knows best and has sent the rain we needed and not the stormy winds.

My department is not working today and I WOULD HAVE HAD a day off, but IT IS my day off so, I missed out on that today. But, that's okay. I'm glad to be safe and dry inside my condo. I intend to do "rainy day" activities - eat, read, watch "chick-flick movies", and eat some more. So, all in all, a good day off.




(This is the view from my condo
window. Neat, huh?)

Routine?

There is a lot to be said for routine. I personally believe in it. It is a comfort and a distraction both at the same time. My husband used to say he liked his "rut" and preferred to stay there. I'm beginning to believe he was right.

The trip to Nashville brought back a flood of memories. That was where my "life" began - I went to college there; I met and married my husband of 36 years there - Our life together began there. I expect a funeral to be sad, but it was as if a raw spot in my heart had been opened again. And, I didn't even realize how rough it would be.

I went back to work yesterday and the routine of my work and the connection with the people I've come to love helped to restablize my "now" life. It was a comfort to put on my "work" clothes, boot my computer, and walk out "on stage" to talk with people from all over the world.

At a prescheduled meeting I went to, I got to see many of my "now" colleagues and to touch base with some I had not seen in a while, and that too was a comfort. My job helps me to focus. And, in many ways, it has helped to recenter me and "create" a new life.

I have the best of both worlds though. I still get to see old friends from my "former" life and that is tremendous, but I also have made new friends that I can fraternize with, even after work. One of my newer (not a work person) friends is having a birthday party on Sunday.

It is important for me to be there. I don't mean entirely for him, because he will have a "gadzillion" people there as he is such a special guy. It is important for me to see him and wish him well. I need the connection and the party atmosphere. Also, his sister is a tremendous cook. At this time, I can only dream of all she will have prepared for her "baby" brother's celebration. Need I say more? I think NOT!

NEW DAY/PREVIOUS PROBLEMS

My nephew Chris called yesterday to say that my father-in-law had died. He was approximately 85 and had been in a nursing home for a few years. My youngest son and I are leaving tomorrow for Nashville to support my sister-in-law and family.

I can't even verbally express all the emotions that are swirling in me. In a lot of ways, this is an ending to a life that I didn't know very well, but was introduced to through his son. In other ways, this brings back all the old emotions that I thought I had dealt with when my husband died.

How we deal with death is different for us all. I readily admit that I don't deal well. My "daughter" Julie texted me at the same time I was texting her - her brother-in-law dropped death of an apparent heart attack. She left for Atlanta about the time Charles was making arrangements for us to go to Nashville. She too is dealing with all the emotions loss brings.

I love my sister-in-law and family. She was so there for me when Tom died. I could never express how much she helped me and bolstered me at that time. I don't know exactly what I can do to help her now. I only know I HAVE to be there. The only thing I can really do is pray; pray for both families; pray for guidance; pray for wisdom. And, if you read this and you would feel inclined, you could remember all of us during this time. We would certainly appreciate it.

Is Today Only Wednesday?

Today was supposed to be a busy day. Instead, I got to rest and watch TV. It was "interesting, if not enjoyable." I didn't know there were so many inane shows. I rarely get to see programming during the day any more. It's probably because I am usually at work most days. I am suddenly very happy about missing it.

My friend Vicki called this morning. She always provides a smile for my day. We have been friends for probably 10-15 years and our lives parallel in many ways. She has 2 daughters-I have 2 sons; her daughters are about the same age as my sons; she's married to a "somewhat" quiet guy-I was too; she loves her family-so do I; she lets me "crash" @ her house when I need to be in that area, and visa versa; we use to go to the same church when I lived on the other side of the state, and she accepts me just the way I am. Man! THAT IS A FRIEND.

She is in the process of quitting her part-time job to become a full-time grandma. She has been getting her 2 grandsons off to school every school day for a year or so, and now that her youngest daughter is about to have a child, she will be taking care of ALL four children (she has inherited a child from her daughter's boyfriend that she now also drops off to school.)

She is amazing to me. She always has everything under control; she's a good cook; allows her husband to be head of the family; works outside the home; travels back and forth to Orlando when her parents call, and still has time to be a friend when I need her. I have learned a lot from her - All good!

Sunday Again?

Today is Sunday and I chose NOT to go to church today. I do not do that lightly, or without the "churning" emotional years of guilt-ridden "parenting" from my mother. I was "programmed" from birth to ALWAYS go to church, especially on Sunday morning. It was routine. It was expected. It was even mandatory at times!

For anyone who bothers to keep up with my life, it has been hectic. That seems to be my MO (method of operation) lately. I go from one project and long night to another with little or no relaxation or sleep in between. It's no wonder that I am tired, plus the heat I work in and the extra days I am now doing, I guess it is inevitable. I just don't like feeling tired. (My husband would have said that was a good sign I was fairly normal) But - I don't like missing church.

I am grown; an adult and I CHOOSE to go to church on Sunday mornings. This particular church I am now attending is where I need to be. The staff is caring; people nurturing; varied educational programs ; and, the pastor teaches most every service EXACTLY what I need to have in my life at this time.

YET - I have a pile of laundry that needs to be folded and put away; my bedroom is a shambles and driving me crazy; the sink is full of dirty dishes and here I set with my, what serves as my nightshirt on, watching "Must Love Dogs" for the 49th "gadzillionth" time. I can almost recite the dialog. I just don't want to move.

I seem to need some justification for what I am doing and what I'm not or should be doing. My mind says one thing and my emotions say another. Why can't I just set here and rest? Inbreeding? Training? "My mother's voice?" Who knows. The bottom line is just "I'm tired" and I don't want to do anything else!

Encore

The last few weeks have been hectic, to say the least. I am now working full time and since I left teaching, I really haven't wanted to work this hard, but here I am again, "back in the saddle" so to speak.

One of the perks of my job is being allowed to attend great events that are presented "on property." Thursday night I went to one of those happenings. It was presented by employees - singing, dancing, comedy routines, and those playing instruments in the orchestra all done for the cause of Juvenile Diabetes Research. Even the people who ran the sound equipment volunteered, and of course the venue was free, compliments of our company. It was one of the most outstanding concerts I have been to in a very long time. It was hard to believe that they were NOT professional performers. I am so sorry you missed it. The music of Stephen Schwartz, who was responsible for the music for Pippin, Wicked and many of our own successful animated pictures, was outstanding. Truly a talented, gifted person.

Some would say what I do all day is not working. My older son says I almost have a real job. Be that as it may, I am outside each day for approximately 6 hrs in the blazing FL sun. Temperature index at work yesterday was 106. THAT IS HOT!

Why do I do it? I could probably live on my present retirement income. My younger son takes very good care of me and I suppose I "COULD" take it easy and not work, but what would I do every day?

I could volunteer. I could just work a part-time job. I could even run around and have fun, except most everyone I know is busy working or have prior commitments. So, why not work? And even better, why not enjoy what you do? Not many people can say that. And, the "perks" are UN-BELIEVE-ABLE!

To Do or Not to do

Anyone who knows me, knows there is very little I wouldn't do for my two little "nieces" K and K. They are so wonderful and I love them so much. So when they decided they had a great idea - that was to end the summer hiatus by going to a local theme park (not one of ours) - of course, I knew it was my job to make it happen. (The pictures were taken on several of the rides we experienced)
Several months ago, when we first visited that park, "WE" decided to invest a few more bucks and get a "year pass." Of course, all we had to do this time was drive over there ( for 2 hrs one way) and once more lay out our day's agenda. And, we did!

I needed to be in the 98 degree weather, walking all over, and not resting on my day off. My bathing suit faded on one of my white shirts and my new beige shorts, my clothes were "melted to me" and I drank so much to keep cool that I visited EVERY restroom in the whole park.

Yeah, you're right. We spent the whole day, just the girls and me. I HAD AN AWESOME TIME!!!

Who moved?

I was talking with some friends tonight about their "errant" son. They have tried to raise him correctly, "in the church." They have given him all the wonderful comforts of this world and tried to help him every step of the way. They have expended thousands of dollars trying to keep him where they think he should be. They have left some necessities of their own "by the wayside" just to provide for this kid. And what has he done?

He has chosen instead to barely get through HS; flunk out of college wasting a $50,000 scholarship, not to mention what they invested, and lose or damage most every piece of electronic equipment they have provided for him in the last few years.

The question "Why?" comes to mind. Why would he reject all his teachings? Why would he deliberately choose to throw away a "free" college education that was his "just for the asking?" Why would he leave home and not even let them know where he is or what he is doing? Doesn't he know he is breaking his parents' hearts? And yet...

Isn't this just what we do with God? He offers us the very best of everything; He provides us with abundant living; He holds out His plan for our lives and says, "Here. This is what is best for you, and all I ask is that you love me." And, we choose to do "our own thing." We are so much smarter! WE KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR US. And so, we go a different way. Don't we know how we are breaking our Father's heart? Evidently, we don't care either.

I have been convicted lately of some lines I have crossed with respect to what I know I should be doing, or not be doing. Oh, nothing outlandish. I haven't stolen anything; I haven't lied about anyone; I still try to do all the "churchy" things I am supposed to do, but I know God is telling me I'm not where I should be and I am "drifting" farther from THAT line. NOW! What do I intend to do about it?

Replacement is NOT an Option

The cushion I need to help me see over the hood of my car is waaaaaaaaaaay beyond used. Many would say, to "infinity and beyond" just needing help. Several friends have even offered to buy me a new one. These truly ARE well meaning friends. And, I know they love me.

"It doesn't go with your car" they say. "It is not only ragged, but putrid looking" they say. "Can't you afford a new cushion?" they ask. The truth be know, I actually like my cushion JUST THE WAY IT IS!

IT IS raggy looking. IT IS probably passed it's prime (who isn't.) It doesn't "class up" my sporty mustang convertible. It might even be a detriment to all those guys who like to be seen in a hot, red car. I keep it because I like it. I like what it stands for. I like it because it reminds me of where I came from. But, most of all, it reminds me of how I use to be. And. I need those reminders to keep me grounded and focused.

The Party's Over

My son has been gone for 4 or 5 weeks working in Hong Kong. And, if you read the title of this entry you would think I'm not happy about his return, and the TOTAL OPPOSITE is true. I have reallllllllllllllly missed him. If his trip has taught me anything, it is I DON'T LIKE LIVING ALONE.

While that discovery is not earth shaking in itself, it is eye opening for me. I always thought of myself as independent; a loner; not needing anyone and capable of "doing my own thing." IF that was once an accurate statement, and you know how delusional I can be working and living in "fantasyland" in the "state of confusion", it is no longer true. And, that scares me a little.

I can't imagine being married to another man and being that intensely in love again. For me, and having my Christian beliefs, living with someone and not being married is DEFINITELY NOT AN OPTION!!! In fact, after reading the book by Josh Harris "I Kissed Dating Goodby", I agree with his statement that "even kissing is not done until after marriage."

With all these "discoveries", and now finally admitting these things, where does that leave me? Basically, in God's hands. How many middle-aged men are there with my life-style and Christian beliefs out there looking for companionship? I can tell you - Not Many, or at least NOT in my world.

BUT. Today is a beautiful day and I'm meeting a friend for a "stroll in the one of the parks". Life can't get much better. HUMMMM. You know, being in God's hands is the perfect place to be. He loves me and I am blessed.

Escaping or Readjusting

This is "ME" looking directly into the sunlight, at a recent "Team Builder" exercise.

I love working with these guys. They are great and we actually enjoy being with each other. This picture was taken on top of a hotel in which we were touring. It is so great to be able to see things from the "inside" and learn about the history of the site. I am still amazed with all the "ins and outs" of running such a large place.

Today is my "Sunday" and I have been able to get some things done that I had been putting off until "I could get around to it." I even washed my car.

Jeff promised that he would come and help me, but he didn't call to confirm, and I was running out of time. He works all day and is off on Sat and Sun. HUMMMM! (What's wrong with these schedules?)

I am supposed to go to dinner and a movie with a friend tonight. I don't know if I will cancel or not. I went out for lunch and a movie yesterday with another friend. The movie was "The Devil Wears Prada." SOOO VERY PREDICTABLE, all the way through.

I saw "The Lake House" two weeks ago, and then went back last week to see it again. I'm not sure if I like it or not, but it was interesting. I like a good mystery and that one certainly left a lot of "unanswered" questions in my mind. I think I might buy it just to see it from time to time.
One movie I will DEFINITELY buy is "Over the Hedge." That one is so terribly funny. "Hammie" reminds me of me. His attention span is so short that he can't concentrate on any one thing long. I do that some times, out of choice. I think it started when I got bored in church. My youngest son said he could always tell when I was tuning out the sermon. I started balancing my checkbook. I don't "physically" take out some thing and start another task now, but I can mentally move to something else while attending a meeting or even a party.

Some of that is "escapism" and some is self-preservation, but you know, sometimes it is just plain lack of interest. I think I better start concentrating more, especially in meetings here. They might just volunteer me for something and I won't even realize it.

Enough is Enough

I think 5 days of whining and complaining are probably enough for anyone, and so, I think I'm over my "birthday" debacle, or "BLACK WEDNESDAY" as I prefer it to be called. So, on to bigger and better things. (At least, I can joke about it now.)

Jeff, at work, calls me a "spoiled brat." And, for the most part, I guess he is at least partially correct. I AM spoiled, and some times I do act a bit "bratty", if that is a word, but it works for me, or at least in my world. That is probably why I like my job so much. I get to go to the "Happiest Celebration on Earth", walk around talking with people all day, and I get paid to do it. If I had only known this was available years ago, I would have been here sooner.

But, Jeff is only partially right. I love "doing" for people. I loved providing for my husband. I loved waiting on him "hand and foot" and having his dinner ready when he got home, and buying things for him that I knew he liked. I REALLY liked having a family and being married.

Maybe one day, someone who likes slightly graying, overweight, fun-loving women will notice and say, "She is someone I would really like to get to know." [I wonder how long it will take Jeff to finally realize he can't do without me.] Oh well. I can only hope.

Filed under what I should have done

Birthdays are VERY special to me. I love the attention on that day. Friends lie-say you don't look older; they bring presents; I have extra special goodies; everyone sings; ALL JUST FOR ME. I should have listened to my first instincts. I should have stayed in bed!!!

The day started beautifully. I had a friend call about 7 am and wish me a happy birthday. (So far, so good, right?) I got a shower and was dressing when my oldest son called to wish me a happy birthday. (Good?) Received several "e-mail" cards. (Another upper, right?)

Got to work. Exciting things happened - Kiss from Jeff (that was worth going to work on my day off); wishes all around; team builder tour over at the W Lodge and lunch (Rough job, huh?) On the way back, the clouds started forming and just seconds before reaching the dock, we had a cloud burst. We were totally soaked. It rained about 2 hours. We finally ran for the "break room" and waited it out before trying to get home. (This is a long time for one of our summer rains.)

(This first picture was taken from the top of the W Lodge facing toward G F Hotel.)

And then I had a call. My plans for my birthday dinner were cancelled. I had previously turned down several invites, rearranged other plans, and was really looking forward to having a great birthday dinner. Talk about depressing; disappointed; and whatever other downer emotion you can insert. So, I have spent the evening alone, watching reruns of Gilmore Girls, and eating leftovers, and basically feeling sorry for myself. And, of course, crying.

On a more positive note, I had a great dinner last night with a totally delightful man, so I can ALMOST shift my emotions to that as a birthday celebration.

Naw. It isn't the same. I am bummed.

(This picture was just before the storm finally broke)

Cancer Crab

In typical Crab fashion, on today my birthday, I would just like to go hide somewhere and avoid everyone. I do that very well. Amazing things happen when you turn off your cell phones, and yes, I have two of the pesky things. Some time I will explain why.

But, I will get in the shower, dry off, dress accordingly, go get my allergy shots and do the right thing and show up for the festivities. Why when I hate it so - I love my friends and family. It makes them happy to do it, and

IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

My Hero

I have always admired Winnie the Pooh. Think about it - He is always happy; isn't bothered by his weight or anything else for that matter; lives to eat and sleep; and is totally accepted, just the way he is, by all his friends. He just kind of drifts from adventure to adventure and enjoys it all.

For the most part, that basically describes me. My oldest son, Tom, says I live in "Fantasyland in the State of Confusion." That usually works for me. But, lately though, probably because another birthday is only 3 days away, I have been "pondering" my life and there seems to be something missing. I'm not even sure what it is. I AM bothered by my weight, the wrinkles, and the grey that is creeping into my formerly dark hairline. And, the fact that I don't have any "special" man in my life. Don't get me wrong. I don't need a man to feel complete, but I do like the companionship. I HATE doing things by myself.

I usually consider myself blessed though - I have a fantastic job, great place to live, wonderful friends who accept me just the way I am, 2 tremendous sons who take care of me, and for the most part, tolerate me and allow me to live a very comfortable lifestyle and yet...

But, I like order and structure in my life and when something is "out of order" I try to fix it so it will be "balanced" again. I can't seem to fix this "feeling." This big empty feeling that gnaws at me from inside my heart. I tolerate it; I ignore it; I even embrace it at times, and yet...


My son, Tom, sends me "puppy pictures" from time to time and recently he sent me this one. These are my 2 "granddogs" Carson and Joey. Carson is the older of the two, but they both are great pets and are so excited to see people, especially me.

They certainly have the right philosophy though. Fill your days with eating, drinking and resting. I think this is a great idea. I just need to lay down on the couch and enjoy the day. I will begin right now! I have learned so much from my "fury" friends.

There's always a first

I did something yesterday that I said I'd never do - I called a man for a date. That in itself isn't so terribly out of character for me, for I often do impulsive things and regret them later, but I actually was disappointed he didn't even call back. So, on my first try, I strike out.

I am actually beginning to question my "date-ability" mainly because of friends who are trying to "fix me up" and the candidates to whom they are introducing me. One friend called and said she had 3 "possibilities" for me but she had a few questions first -
1. Did he have to have teeth? When I said "YES!!!", she said "Oh well. That eliminates one."
2. Did he have to speak English? I again said, "YES!!!" Elimination #2, and
3. Does ethnicity matter? That was a no.
So, I guess some time next week I am to meet this person for whom she thinks I would enjoy "dating".

I don't usually call what I do dating, for to me that implies interest in something more, possibly leading to marriage. And, I am really NOT searching for a spouse, so I usually say I just have an "appointment" with someone. Terminology matters to me, at this point.

All of this recent interest in the opposite sex has led me to "jump to some interesting" questions and conclusions:

Am I dateable?
What "personna" do I project?
What DO I want other people to know about me?
And, will I call someone again?

Who knows.

I suspect my husband is standing somewhere watching me and having a great laugh out of all this. That would be just like him.