Concert or No Concert?

Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith are in concert here tonight. I'm supposed to go with Charles and whoever else is going-probably Julie, Bret and the girls. I'm not sure I want to go. Loving music does not guarantee you love concerts.  My hearing sensitivity and large crowds do not always allow me to go.  The noise level is usually overwhelming. These two are not especially loud, but people are crammed into an area that is too small, with noises too loud, and people not always in a good frame of mind, even in "religious" venues.  To me, it's not usually worth the effort. We'll see how it goes.  

Thanks

Thank you God for popcorn.

Power Source

Being without power for 3 days has helped me to focus more clearly on

MY  POWER  SOURCE.

Who do I depend on to help me with  MY "light" on reality?
What do I use as MY POWER SOURCE?
Where do I go when MY "LIGHT" is not on for me to see clearly?
When do I evaluate MY POWER?"
Why do I need a POWER SOURCE?
How do I use MY SOURCE for power?

Do I go to the PHONE or the THRONE when I am powerless?
If the Sunday morning sermon is boring and I resort to balancing my checkbook, what is wrong?
Is anyone else responsible for my power?

Having evaluation testing available to oneself, is not necessarily a good thing.  Oh, I can evaluate others and diagnose what is THEIR problem, but can I be objective when diagnosing my own idiosyncrasies?

Saying you have ADHD and knowing it, is like a doctor self medicating - It's probably dangerous or at least funny to some.  Tom used to say, "And what is going on at the circus today?"  He was referring to the noise level in my head. He knew that my head is an ever-changing chaotic mish mash of "THINGS" all happening at the same time.  Some times when I "check out" of reality, my "Circus" becomes my reality.  Sounds strange doesn't it. ( I don't think I've ever put that information in writing before.)  I like my "head" world better sometimes.  Fantasy is usually better.  That is probably why I've always liked Disney.

Right now, I am working on my relationship with MY POWER SOURCE - God.  I have always known He is in control.  I think my biggest problem is believing HE wants to help ME, personally.  I go in and out of relying on Him like I should, and letting reality take over my mind.  Reality says - "Hey!  You don't have (etc. insert whatever is the next think you want) and if God RELLLLLLLLLLLLLLY loved you He would get it for you."  Common sense tells you a good parent doesn't let their child have everything they want - only what they need.  So how does this "devil talk" enter my "CIRCUS?"

Getting tired of being sick and tired, I resort to reading about JOB.  What problems.  And, then his friends come to visit.  "Nuff said?"

God is good - all the time; All the time - God is good.  I HAVE TO stay in the scriptures, focus on Him and "lean not unto my own understanding."  And, when you get right down to it, what is reality any way?


My In Law Grandmother, Sally, was a wise christian woman.  One week-end just after I found out I was pregnant with Tommy, we were visiting her in KY.  I had been soooooooooooo sick and was having a hard time getting up to get ready for church.  She had breakfast ready, and I guess I kind of turned green. She looked me square in the eyes and said, "Sometimes the most religious thing we can do, is go back to bed.  Go on girl. Get back in bed."  She was my hero.  That is also Ween's best advice.  I think I will.  Progress Energy eat your heart out.

TODAY

Psalm 118:24


This is the day which the LORD hath made; 
I will (choose to) rejoice and be glad in it.
Amen!

Blessings

Once again, the "hurricane/tornado" type rain and winds have shifted and not hit our area. We are certainly blessed by God.  There are areas here that would have flooded and been such a mess to so many people.  I, for one, am grateful.

Mayo called and I have been approved for my surgery - that's the good news.  The "not so good" news is that I have to go to Rochester, MN for the surgery, and someone has to go with me. (Medicare)  I can't drive back and forth to the hospital for a week.  This certainly messes with my No 1 rule of life - "Never go north of Florida after Nov 1."  I have an appointment at JAX Mayo on November 14.  I should know more details then.

Tomorrow is a birthday of  "relative of mine I cannot mention".  He will be in San Francisco with some friends.  Kenny's birthday was 16th, so they usually celebrate together, but here not in California.  I will miss him, but he is celebrating how "HE" wants to celebrate.  There is nothing he needs nor cannot afford, so buying him anything is hard.  Not having any extra cash right now, also makes it hard to buy him anything.  He has an abundance of patience with me and says he understands.  I'm glad he does, because I don't.  We will go out to eat when he comes home.  He will decide.

Another Day

Please tell me why the phone rings or "dings" indicating a text message when I have just allmoosst gone to sleep?  Is there some sort of indicator in my body that lets my phone know EXACTLY when to get my attention?  Or, maybe a diabolical plan within the circumference of our universe that stops me from warming my pillow during the day?  It is amazing to me how this happens.

On the other hand, "WEEN" can sleep any time, any way, any place.  She is so good at sleeping that she can sleep right through the smell of hamburgers crisping in the pan, or chicken "dancing" in the skillet, or yogurt being heaped into a clunky bowl for a healthful, nutritious breakfast that I 'HAVE' to eat daily.  

Noise is another issue with her.  NOTHING passes those ear drums.  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!  She can hear a gnat "pass gas" at 30 yards.  If I use the word "GO" or the equally important word "CHICKEN" she is in the living room faster than an eye blink. She is truly an anomaly, and more fun than cotton candy.  Her snoring; don't get me started.

I actually consider Ween a wonderful gift from God.  She makes me laugh.  She makes me cry. She loves to snuggle with her having belly rubs first thing in the morning.  If that doesn't happen due to "MY FAULT" then look out.  She will surely indicate her displeasure in some way.  Ripping apart something or even worse, leave her "oopsies" on the floor, right in front of the door so I won't miss it.

She's very good at snorting her displeasure especially when I tell her no.  She doesn't like that word at all.  Come to think of it - neither do I.  She's a lot more like me than I thought.  We could possibly deserve each other.  She's busy holding down the bed right now, and guess who is not.  Yep, that would be me.

True Identity

Just back from church, and as usual, Dan gave me a lot to ponder.  The biggest question is "How do I evaluate my Identity?"  One of his comments struck home.  "When you understand your identity in Christ, you understand your life in Christ."

Far too long I have listen to negativity about my identity and who I am.  That has prompted me to "feel" unintelligent, incompetent, and viewing a DISTORTED view of who I am.  His statements have caused me to reevaluate who I am and where I am at this time of life.

I have to revert to my two basic ideas - GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL, and, HE LOVES ME.  These two ideals have kept me "steady" for the last few years.  I had forgotten to remember them.  I am now determined to refocus and re-identify who I am in Christ.

BUT, just now I am going to lay down and watch a football game on tv today. ( It usually puts me to sleep.)  Outside it looks like a typical day in Kentucky, dark, damp, and dreary.  Hopefully, this weather will go away soon.  Ween needs company.  She looks awfully comfortable.

Support Your Local Doctor

Many of you know I believe in supporting the AMA-daily, weekly, monthly.  It doesn't matter.  I have seen multitudes of doctors in the last 2 years; had a myriad of tests, and NOTHING much wrong.  Fibrymaligia, bad back, high blood pressure, overweight, and the list goes on BUT mostly due to poor or bad choices.  I'm tired of being analyzed.  


Yesterday I went for my "stress" test at my heart doctors.  ( As if I don't have enough stress in my life.)  My primary doctor suggested this.  According to the tests, everything is fine; no blockages, no abnormalities, nothing to report.  So why do I have the abnormal heart beat occasionally?  They have no idea.


I can't believe I'm falling apart at my age.  I'm no spring chicken, but I'm not "under" the hill so to speak.  I WAS reminded this week that about 10 years ago telling the devil to "take his best shot" and that he could not do anything to me that I couldn't handle, with God's help.  (ME AND MY BIG MOUTH.)  I don't know about God, but I'm tired of the devil hindering me.  


TODAY!  THIS VERY MOMENT!  I rebuke the devil and anything he has to "HEAP" on me.  I'm tired of letting him have his way in my life.  I will no longer accept "WHATEVER" happens to me and I will only make the right choices as God desires for my life.  I'm ready to fight back!


I WILL PRAISE HIM; I WILL PRAISE HIM. PRAISE THE LORD FOR SINNERS SLAIN
GIVE HIM GLORY ALL THE PEOPLE.  FOR HIS BLOOD WILL WASH AWAY EACH STAIN.


Our pastor is starting a study in Galatians.  Paul tells the people of Galatia (mostly Gentiles of converted Jews) that they are not "locked into" following the old laws to be followers of Christ - circumcision, killing a calf for our sins, or confessing their sins to another man.  We are free to live for Christ.


Why were laws given in the first place?  Laws are to show us how to exist; right and wrong; how to live in society.  If you don't BREAK the laws, they don't apply to you.  


When a certain relative of mine went to work for a local "large Orlando employer" he brought home about 20 books on the "correct look" for employees that work for that company.  I looked at them and said, "Man.  That's a lot of info to remember."  He said, "It's nothing I don't already do."  And, that's true. When we follow the mores of society, we don't break laws.  Even more importantly, when we follow the dictates of God we keep His laws, with the Holy Spirit's help, just as He meant for us to do.  

We need the rain.  Even if it is a messy, dreary day outside, inside my heart:


"THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HATH MADE; 
  LET US REJOICE AND BE GLAD!!!"

New Day

Breakfast with  Joseph, Kim, Brandon, and Mock.  I always enjoy those times. We have all worked together at one time or another - if not in research then at the call center.  Cindy forgot and Kathryn couldn't make it.  Sometimes others join us and it's an even bigger "good time."

Mock and Brandon both worked last night and they "HATE" mornings.  They are suggesting lunch time or even dinner.  I can relate.  In some ways working at night is harder.  It turns your whole schedule around; you sleep when everyone is awake, and work when everyone else sleeps.  It's hard to do anything but work and sleep.  It gets boring after a while.  Even when you have 2 days off, you still have to catch up on your sleep.  It's crazy.

Ween had a rough morning of sleeping, eating, and potty breaks.  Sometimes, she is just worn out by the end of the day.  She's sleeping now.

I think I'll play my "Lazy Day" song.  "Today, I don't feel like doing anything; I'm just wanna lay in my bed.  Don't feel like picking up my phone.  So leave a message at the tone.  Today I swear I'm not doing anything."

Ween started without me.

ME

Contemplation of my life has left me to believe that I am not doing all I can do to help others.  Right now I am physically and financially unable to do much of anything, so how can I help?  I can pray, encourage, hold their hand, hug, and genuinely be concerned.  


Writing this is to relieve some frustrations I have right now.  Physically, I hurt all over almost daily; breathing is hard, blood pressure is high, thyroid is not working again, easily bleeding which usually means my blood count is low and the white count is high.  MAYO has diagnosed some problems.  I still have some testing of my heart to determine why I am having irregular heart beats.


MS has been talked about.  Memory loss, all my symptoms previously mentioned, and a few other problems lead me to believe maybe they're right.  If they are, it's okay.  I just wish I knew for sure.


I'm sorry I couldn't be the wife for Bob he needed.  I'm sorry I haven't been the Mother that the boys have needed.  And, I'm sorry I haven't been as close to God as I need to be.  I'm just tired - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Oh God - hear my prayer.

Beautiful Surprises

Today has been an interesting day.  So far, I have received three neat presents from God.  To me, those are gifts I knew nothing about and "just happened" during the day. And yet, I'm reminded each time that they are from God.

One of my "bad habits" is to fold any paper money and just put it in my pocket. When I reach for something else in my pocket, I usually pull out the money. Most of the time, I see it and just put it back.  Today, as has happened before, I pulled out my phone to see the time.  After I had left the first Dr's, I reached in my pocket to see how much money I had to "possibly" buy a Starbucks, and the money wasn't there.  I almost had a heart attack.  That $30 is all I have until the 14th.  God help me.  What do I do?  Do I go back to the Dr's and ask if anyone had found it?  Do I just forget it and hope for the best?  Or, go back after I get my shots?  I went on to the Allergist.  When I got out of the car, "my little inside voice" told me to look under the seat.  It was there.  (Surprise 1)

On the way to the Allergist, I wasn't watching carefully enough and the car in front of me did not start up when the light changed, and I softly "rear-ended" the car. As we moved into an empty lot to the right of the street, I was praying very intensely.  I just really didn't need an accident right now.  The man got out of his car, looked at his bumper and said, "Looks like there's no damage. It's okay."  I apologized "profusely" and thanked him repeatedly, and got back into our cars and drove away. (Surprise 2)   (Angels working overtime today.)

My friend and "energetic example" Mary helped me clean out some boxes of "stuff" that had been in the 2nd bedroom since I moved to this complex.  In one of those boxes, a computer program entitled "Illumina" popped up and surprised me to pieces.  This was a program that I got when I worked for Family Christian the year before Tom died - about 11 years ago.  Technology has changed so much, I thought it probably wouldn't work with this new system I have now.  Guess what!  It works perfectly.  In fact, it may even work BETTER than it did then.

If you have never seen this program, I'm sorry.  One of my jobs at FC was to demo this program to people when they came into the store so that they could see how useful it is.  Duh.  That was a joy that I had while "working" during the day.

The program is one of the best references for the Bible I have ever seen.  I haven't updated it but I can only imagine how it has changed.  And yet, how much better can " THE MOST AWESOME PROGRAM" become?  This was God's third present today.

Not only did I get the room cleaned out, but I found so many neat things. Thanks to Mary!!! God is good; all the time.

FACEBOOK

Later today, I will be leaving the FACEBOOK website.  I have been made to realize that I spend far too much time on Facebook and not enough time doing what needs to be done with my life.  My email is sheila.stovall@gmail.com and of course, you will be able to keep up with what is going on in my life within this blog.

I liked using Facebook to communicate with people I had not heard from in an extremely long time.  I also liked working on the games.  I will miss that mode of communication.

Best wishes and prayers to all who transfer to this site.  Thank you for all your advice and prayers.

THE BIG THREE

Most of my life had been spent in a church that had nothing to offer but rules and regulations.  About 15 or so years ago I finally "GOT IT."  Being a Christian is about a relationship with God; not what I can memorize "NOT" to do, or what "TO" do.  I did not know then what was ahead for me and my life.

A lot of things have changed in those years.  The "BIG THREE" for me was and is - "Bible Study, Prayer, and Tithing."  I am ashamed to admit that lately I have been so wrapped up in my own "Scenarios" and dramas of every day life, that I've stopped doing all three.

Some time ago I realized "I'm not smart."  It's okay.  I can now admit it.  All of the "THINGS" that have happened to me during the last five years especially, are due to choices I have made.  Today I draw THE line - I am back in the game of communicating with my friend, Jesus, reading God's word DAILY, and giving God his "tenth" back.  I have made this choice.  And, I will follow as closely as I can.  

I can hardly wait to experience the new adventures.

Doctors-Love or Hate?

On one hand, I go to Doctors to find out what is wrong with me mostly "Physically."  Do I always want to hear what they have to say?  Not really, but I DO listen.  I've been to a heart specialist, lung specialist, Orthopedic, and testing in all areas.  I'm beginning to believe I am an overweight, aging, hypochondriac.  


I've come to this conclusion after all the Dr's, testing, and medicines.  Getting older, in my case, just isn't being much fun right now. I'm just trying to feel better and remember a few facts so I can get home when I'm out shopping. I don't think this is too much to ask.


Went to Mayo yesterday to get the shot for my back. I'm supposed to rest today, so I'm doing very little, which is not unusual.  I am in absolutely no pain. It is awesome, but Ween is not feeling well, and is running a fever.  I'm not sure what is going on, but she threw up yesterday and has barely moved today. She even refused her favorite, brown rice and chicken. In fact, I brought it into the bedroom for her, and she almost "nosed" it off the bed and then gaged at the smell.  (Been there; Done that)  If she is not better, I may call her vet and try to get her in later today.  


And, if that doesn't work, there's MAYO.

Doctors are only "Practicing" medicine, right?

Another week of drs and appointments.  It seems like that is all I do some weeks.  I was at Mayo for an appt with my orthopedic dr.  Status quo, I guess. He wants me to have surgery to remove the spurs from the spine.  I don't think I'm ready to do that for several reasons - I want to wait to have the stomach surgery, I don't like the idea of them working on my spine, and I can still maintain with pain pills and aspirin.  So, we'll wait.

I've also had blood work, a CAT scan (I didn't even know I had a cat) and will have a breathing test at the Dr's office tomorrow.  I've had some breathing problems and he wanted to check all possible reasons for it, including the diagnosis and progress of the sarcoidosis.

Let's see - is there any Dr I haven't seen lately - Nope.  I'll just have to wait for the diagnosis and results.

I have recently had my phone off.  This has sent some people into cardiac arrest, or at least upset to some degree.  They could not imagine that I would ever do anything like that.  Some times I just don't want to talk or hear the phone.  That is not computable with some people.  I have a hard time dealing with some issues in my life right now, so my SOP (Standard Operational Procedure) is to "back off" and regroup.  I know it is evading issues, but at the time that's all I can do, for my own sanity.

I've always liked the Beach Boys and one of their older songs is "In My Room" by Brian Wilson.  That song and Mandisa's "Stronger" are my lead songs right now.  I'm trying to process and I don't know how or why.  So, I follow Ween's idea of "sleep it off."  She's my hero right now.

NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE

What do I do now?  I've never been fired before.  Part of it wasn't my fault.  Yeah, I know that has been said before, but this time it's true.

To begin with, the person I followed each day did not like me.  She made it very clear.  I don't know whether she was jealous or what, but I knew it from the beginning.  Every chance she got, she "reported" to one of the Managers every mistake I made.  And, I didn't exactly impress two of the three Managers with any aspect of my work.  One even told me to take off my necklace.  I told her I never take it off.  It's a religious icon for me.  She put that on my record card as a reprimand. The "record card" is kept on every "mistake" made and is on file for all to see.  I haven't any hope of anyone even considering me for another job with the record card I accrued in this position.  You also get points taken off when you're out sick.  I had taken off sick twice.

In all honesty, I did not balance the deposit one time while working there.  To being with, I had 4 trainers - all  4 did things differently so it made it hard for me to get a take on "HOW" I was supposed to complete the work.  I was $100 over last Sunday and $24.25 over on Monday.  No one could figure out how that happened.  I learned tonight that the person I followed was "short" $100 on Sunday. Duh. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened there. Only no one bothered to tell me at the time.

So, as I said, what do I do now?

TESTING - ONE, TWO,

What is God trying to tell me?  I keep asking and He just keeps giving me tests to take.  My life is in a moderate spiral.  Today was another example - Just "bopping" down the road, enjoying my tunes, and there he was behind me.  There is no other feeling when the "po po" come up behind you with their lights flashing.  I didn't even know why he was stopping me.  (I wonder if he knew my heart almost stopped)

I was doing 62 in a 45 m zone.  I hadn't even paid attention to the speed limit or my speed.  I was just having a good time singing along with the TOKENS and "The Lion Sleeps Tonight."

One of the many disadvantages of getting stopped by the "berg" po po is they don't have access to updated info.  If it had been a sheriff, or state trooper they can access my info and know my insurance is up to date.  With the local guy, he couldn't.  So, I also got a ticket for not having a recent copy of my insurance in my car or on my person.  That one is done away with as soon as I take the updated copy to the court house.  That I can afford to do.  Paying the $165.00 ticket, I can't do. 

I know I have 30 days to pay it, but unless God provides, I won't have the money in 3 months.  My roommate has to have surgery and he will be out for at least 2 weeks.  That means no money from him.

I was on my way to have my car "Serviced."  $155.00 later, I was told the oil change was free.  (That was comforting.)

So, what is God trying to tell me.  BEATS ME.  I just keep getting deeper and deeper in debt.  Oh well.  There must be an end, right?  Could I have that day and time, please?

Happy Fourth

Being in multi doctor's offices the past three weeks is the ONLY way to waste your time.  In addition to my local doctor, a MAYO trip was made.  After all the blood work, x-rays, probing, poking, and anything else they could think of, the Dr said approximately the same thing as my local Dr, with the exceptions of a Urinary Tract infection and an irregular heart beat.  I've had those for some time but never mentioned them.  One good thing did come out of the visit, I got to spend the night with my friend and her family.  Her Mother cooked.  MAN was it good, especially the dessert which were fig cookies, similar to baklava, only better.

There are times when you just have to do something different, if not to have a change in routine just to enjoy life.  The night with Aida and her family was interesting to see how another culture behaves, but also to see the love between individuals.

Skipping to today, another year has gone by and I'm another year older, or broker.  I occasionally look back at a period of time, to evaluate and to reflect.  This year has been interesting if not enjoyable.  So many things have changed, and yet they have remained the same.  "Ween" woke me up about 7 this morning with kisses and snuggles. She is my "therapy" dog - petting, feeding, and just plain attention are her agenda.  She has no hidden reasons for being there - she just loves being loved.  Attention and food, and she's there.  Even as she has curled up beside me on the couch, she has to reach out to touch me.  That must be reassuring to her.  And, in a way, to me too.

How will I spend my day - no plans.  Maybe just stay at home and pet Ween.

Doctors are only PRACTICING medicine

Why is it some people have to go to doctors more than others?  I feel like I've built more medical buildings than I care to count.  How many hours should I bill my doctors?  Isn't my time as valuable as theirs?  It seems unfair.

On one of my "weekly" visits last week my doctor told me that there was nothing "medically" wrong with me.  She had tested everything she could test.  "Could it be" she asked, "that you're depressed?"

What could I possibly be depressed about?  Well, let's see - Bank account overdrawn by about $300; can't work because I'm sick so there is no money coming in there; separated from my husband; constantly aggravated by a pesky dog.  Did I leave out anything? Oh yes, approximately $50,000 in debt.  SO, she gave me more medicine to take which is for fibromyalgia and depression.  Isn't this where we started?

I don't know - seems very "repetitive" or redundant to me, or is it redundant and repetitive.  Who's to say.  At least I have peace and quiet for a few minutes - "The Beast" is sleeping off her breakfast.

FIRST WEEK BACK

Interesting, if not enjoyable, has never been truer.  I HOPE I can do this.  Lots of pain with walking and standing with going to bed early each night.  Today is Friday and I'm just starting to feel almost okay again.  I don't know -  SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME.

It's good to be back at work.  It's good to be out of the apartment on a steady basis.  And, it is actually good, to make money again.  I "PRAY" I'll be able to do this.