On and on

For the most part, my heart is not "Dancing" as much any more; an occasional blip, but nothing like it was.  I'm on medication for arrhythmia.  I'm having problems with my breathing, so we're still supporting the AMA by visiting as many doctors and hospitals as I can.

Nap time

My pulmonary doctor did not like the X-ray from the hospital, so he ordered a "CT SCAN" and I had that Wednesday, but have not heard from his office.  I went to my "regular" doctor's office and she said "I'm going to live until I die," or words to that affect.

Ween is playing "saran wrap" as I was gone 3 days and she missed me.  If I shift positions, she jumps up to see what I'm doing or what is happening.  It is so nice to have someone who is concerned about you.

She is the perfect pet - eats, sleeps, potties rarely, and stays by my side. If she could only cook, we'd have it made.

Life is an Adventure (and not by Disney)

After spending several days in the hospital, I am finally home with my own 'pharmacy.' This time it was my heart. I have been seeing a heart specialist for 6 or 8 months and could never document the "crazy" dance of my blood pumping organ.

On my way to taking Mock to work Monday, my heart started doing it's "Cha Cha" dance. Some times it quits after a few minutes. That day it didn't.  My heart doctor's office is on the road I was using to return to the apt.  I called ahead and asked if they could do a "quick" EKG.  I didn't plan on the "dance pattern" my heart produced, nor the fact that my blood pressure was 169/97.  Being across from the hospital is convenient, yet...  "Let me stop and walk my dog; she's in the car."  They assured me I HAD to be admitted, then! They would take care of my dog.  I called "The relative I can't mention" told him the situation and he happened to be off work for a doctor's appointment.  He said he would get Ween and take her home. I text Mock the location of the car, and proceeded to be "wheeled" across the parking lot to Sand Lake Hospital. I probably get the prize for most tests this week.  "The relative" said when he arrived, the nurses were playing with Ween outside and letting her potty at her leisure.

Mojave Dessert and Wind Mills

My View

Tom is traveling to CA and should be there some time tonight. This is a picture out of his car window.  I can assure you mine was not as pretty, although it was a suite. Staying anywhere else is nice; even in the best of locations, there's still no place like home.

The First Born

Over the years, many things have happened; hard decisions have been made;  Today is an extremely sad day for me as my eldest "born" son is leaving this coast to relocate to the West Coast.  This doesn't sound like much, in the scheme of life, but for me the moon is probably closer.

Christmas 2009

Our relationship has not always been easy, but I have always loved him with all my heart - even before he "physically"  arrived.  The last few years before his father died, we had become closer.

The Boys

I had come to depend on the fact that he was only 45 minutes away.  If I did not talk to him, I knew I could go see him any time I wanted.  Even when he moved to DC, it was still a manageable trip.
Now it will not be so easy.  I already miss him.

Just Another Day

Probably one of the reasons I haven't blogged in a while is that I am now "handwriting" in a diary that was given to me for Christmas.  My handwriting is hard to read, at times, but I like it because I can put info in there I can't post.  Even at that, I still don't write some of my deepest thoughts.

Holidays were good.  Received much more than I deserved, but I am very grateful for all I was given.  Didn't get to see my oldest son, Tom, but I understand where he is coming from financially and time wise.

PIPPI and THE BOSS

I'm still waiting for a resolution to my health issues.  I've applied with Mayo for a financial "consideration" for my surgery.  I don't know how that will go or how long it will be before I hear something, but I'm hopeful.

One of our friends from NC is visiting and Mock is playing "tour guide" for her.  I don't have the energy or strength to do the parks any more.  In all honesty, I think I'm over the Magic and don't really need to visit again for a while. Breakfast at Chef Mickey's, dinner at Kona - that's about all I can handle right now.  (No one can beat Disney fireworks.)

Time has been spent lately trying to rest and get over an intense sinus and bronchial infection. Just now am I starting to get over the residual "cough" that has lasted since before Christmas.

Edward is having a play produced at Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center and we have tickets for it.  It should be "interesting" if not.... as Tom would say.  I'm very proud of his abilities and strength to be able to complete this production.  I'm sure he is a nervous wreck.

Tom moves soon.  I wish he wouldn't.  It's been over a year since I have seen him.  When he moves, it will probably be longer.  Getting to the "other coast" is quite an ordeal.  It will be interesting to see how it goes.

The relative I can't mention is traveling.  He will be going to San Diego, San Francisco, and of all places, Kalispel, Montana.  I wish I could travel like I used to, but unless something phenomenal happens, I won't be able to.  You never know - God is still in control.

MEDICARE DECISIONS

After visiting MAYO this week, I am teetering on which direction to move at this point. I've dealt with bureaucracy all my working days.  Sometimes I actually have been able to accomplish goals by circumventing the "red tape."  Sometimes not.

Even coming close to understanding the Medicare system is beyond my expertise of knowledge.  That is where I find myself now-trying to accept their decisions on when, where, why, what, where, and certainly not the how.  Medicare will pay for my pre-op and post-op care at the Jacksonville clinic.  The surgery MUST BE PERFORMED in Rochester, MN at a cost of about $150,000.  I must pay to fly there, stay in a hotel for the week after, and fly back after the surgery to have the post-op done at JAX.  And, I have to have someone with me. They don't even do the lesser expensive surgery in Rochester, which is what my doctor is recommending.  In addition to that, they do not have, at this time, a doctor that does the surgery at their location.

In JAX the cost of the operation my doctor wants to do is $20,000.  I still have to stay in a hotel near by for a week because of the post-op care, but I would not have to fly there. I still have to have someone with me, but I have a better chance of getting someone to stay with me here than going to MN for a week.  MAYO doesn't offer in- hospital care after surgery at either location.

NOW - someone explain to me why MEDICARE has to charge an approximate $130,000 additional fee for a surgery that is more invasive, not recommended by my doctor, and more expensive for me?  This just does not make sense to me.  Is this why people cannot afford insurance?  I am beyond frustrated and confused.

The Week That Was

Being blessed is so totally neat.  My friend Vicki, came over from Pasco late Monday and stayed until Wed.  Spent the day at EPCOT, ate our way around the 29 Kiosks that are there now, and went to "Eat to the Beat" on Tuesday evening.   Hanson is not one of my groups, but being with friends is so much more special that it was worth staying for the concert.  I rested Thursday, and today I am privileged to have another friend here today. We're going to Houstons in Winter Park for lunch.  It is always great to be with Ruth.  I'm excited about her visit.

Tomorrow Dean is bringing his Men's Group and Mock is letting them into EPCOT about 10:00, while Vicki is coming back to see another friend, Margaret, who is flying into OIA on her way to a cruise.  We get to take her to Titusville so we'll have some time to "catch up." Wow.  What a busy and joyous week.  Thank you God.

Concert or No Concert?

Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith are in concert here tonight. I'm supposed to go with Charles and whoever else is going-probably Julie, Bret and the girls. I'm not sure I want to go. Loving music does not guarantee you love concerts.  My hearing sensitivity and large crowds do not always allow me to go.  The noise level is usually overwhelming. These two are not especially loud, but people are crammed into an area that is too small, with noises too loud, and people not always in a good frame of mind, even in "religious" venues.  To me, it's not usually worth the effort. We'll see how it goes.  

Thanks

Thank you God for popcorn.

Power Source

Being without power for 3 days has helped me to focus more clearly on

MY  POWER  SOURCE.

Who do I depend on to help me with  MY "light" on reality?
What do I use as MY POWER SOURCE?
Where do I go when MY "LIGHT" is not on for me to see clearly?
When do I evaluate MY POWER?"
Why do I need a POWER SOURCE?
How do I use MY SOURCE for power?

Do I go to the PHONE or the THRONE when I am powerless?
If the Sunday morning sermon is boring and I resort to balancing my checkbook, what is wrong?
Is anyone else responsible for my power?

Having evaluation testing available to oneself, is not necessarily a good thing.  Oh, I can evaluate others and diagnose what is THEIR problem, but can I be objective when diagnosing my own idiosyncrasies?

Saying you have ADHD and knowing it, is like a doctor self medicating - It's probably dangerous or at least funny to some.  Tom used to say, "And what is going on at the circus today?"  He was referring to the noise level in my head. He knew that my head is an ever-changing chaotic mish mash of "THINGS" all happening at the same time.  Some times when I "check out" of reality, my "Circus" becomes my reality.  Sounds strange doesn't it. ( I don't think I've ever put that information in writing before.)  I like my "head" world better sometimes.  Fantasy is usually better.  That is probably why I've always liked Disney.

Right now, I am working on my relationship with MY POWER SOURCE - God.  I have always known He is in control.  I think my biggest problem is believing HE wants to help ME, personally.  I go in and out of relying on Him like I should, and letting reality take over my mind.  Reality says - "Hey!  You don't have (etc. insert whatever is the next think you want) and if God RELLLLLLLLLLLLLLY loved you He would get it for you."  Common sense tells you a good parent doesn't let their child have everything they want - only what they need.  So how does this "devil talk" enter my "CIRCUS?"

Getting tired of being sick and tired, I resort to reading about JOB.  What problems.  And, then his friends come to visit.  "Nuff said?"

God is good - all the time; All the time - God is good.  I HAVE TO stay in the scriptures, focus on Him and "lean not unto my own understanding."  And, when you get right down to it, what is reality any way?


My In Law Grandmother, Sally, was a wise christian woman.  One week-end just after I found out I was pregnant with Tommy, we were visiting her in KY.  I had been soooooooooooo sick and was having a hard time getting up to get ready for church.  She had breakfast ready, and I guess I kind of turned green. She looked me square in the eyes and said, "Sometimes the most religious thing we can do, is go back to bed.  Go on girl. Get back in bed."  She was my hero.  That is also Ween's best advice.  I think I will.  Progress Energy eat your heart out.

TODAY

Psalm 118:24


This is the day which the LORD hath made; 
I will (choose to) rejoice and be glad in it.
Amen!

Blessings

Once again, the "hurricane/tornado" type rain and winds have shifted and not hit our area. We are certainly blessed by God.  There are areas here that would have flooded and been such a mess to so many people.  I, for one, am grateful.

Mayo called and I have been approved for my surgery - that's the good news.  The "not so good" news is that I have to go to Rochester, MN for the surgery, and someone has to go with me. (Medicare)  I can't drive back and forth to the hospital for a week.  This certainly messes with my No 1 rule of life - "Never go north of Florida after Nov 1."  I have an appointment at JAX Mayo on November 14.  I should know more details then.

Tomorrow is a birthday of  "relative of mine I cannot mention".  He will be in San Francisco with some friends.  Kenny's birthday was 16th, so they usually celebrate together, but here not in California.  I will miss him, but he is celebrating how "HE" wants to celebrate.  There is nothing he needs nor cannot afford, so buying him anything is hard.  Not having any extra cash right now, also makes it hard to buy him anything.  He has an abundance of patience with me and says he understands.  I'm glad he does, because I don't.  We will go out to eat when he comes home.  He will decide.

Another Day

Please tell me why the phone rings or "dings" indicating a text message when I have just allmoosst gone to sleep?  Is there some sort of indicator in my body that lets my phone know EXACTLY when to get my attention?  Or, maybe a diabolical plan within the circumference of our universe that stops me from warming my pillow during the day?  It is amazing to me how this happens.

On the other hand, "WEEN" can sleep any time, any way, any place.  She is so good at sleeping that she can sleep right through the smell of hamburgers crisping in the pan, or chicken "dancing" in the skillet, or yogurt being heaped into a clunky bowl for a healthful, nutritious breakfast that I 'HAVE' to eat daily.  

Noise is another issue with her.  NOTHING passes those ear drums.  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!  She can hear a gnat "pass gas" at 30 yards.  If I use the word "GO" or the equally important word "CHICKEN" she is in the living room faster than an eye blink. She is truly an anomaly, and more fun than cotton candy.  Her snoring; don't get me started.

I actually consider Ween a wonderful gift from God.  She makes me laugh.  She makes me cry. She loves to snuggle with her having belly rubs first thing in the morning.  If that doesn't happen due to "MY FAULT" then look out.  She will surely indicate her displeasure in some way.  Ripping apart something or even worse, leave her "oopsies" on the floor, right in front of the door so I won't miss it.

She's very good at snorting her displeasure especially when I tell her no.  She doesn't like that word at all.  Come to think of it - neither do I.  She's a lot more like me than I thought.  We could possibly deserve each other.  She's busy holding down the bed right now, and guess who is not.  Yep, that would be me.

True Identity

Just back from church, and as usual, Dan gave me a lot to ponder.  The biggest question is "How do I evaluate my Identity?"  One of his comments struck home.  "When you understand your identity in Christ, you understand your life in Christ."

Far too long I have listen to negativity about my identity and who I am.  That has prompted me to "feel" unintelligent, incompetent, and viewing a DISTORTED view of who I am.  His statements have caused me to reevaluate who I am and where I am at this time of life.

I have to revert to my two basic ideas - GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL, and, HE LOVES ME.  These two ideals have kept me "steady" for the last few years.  I had forgotten to remember them.  I am now determined to refocus and re-identify who I am in Christ.

BUT, just now I am going to lay down and watch a football game on tv today. ( It usually puts me to sleep.)  Outside it looks like a typical day in Kentucky, dark, damp, and dreary.  Hopefully, this weather will go away soon.  Ween needs company.  She looks awfully comfortable.

Support Your Local Doctor

Many of you know I believe in supporting the AMA-daily, weekly, monthly.  It doesn't matter.  I have seen multitudes of doctors in the last 2 years; had a myriad of tests, and NOTHING much wrong.  Fibrymaligia, bad back, high blood pressure, overweight, and the list goes on BUT mostly due to poor or bad choices.  I'm tired of being analyzed.  


Yesterday I went for my "stress" test at my heart doctors.  ( As if I don't have enough stress in my life.)  My primary doctor suggested this.  According to the tests, everything is fine; no blockages, no abnormalities, nothing to report.  So why do I have the abnormal heart beat occasionally?  They have no idea.


I can't believe I'm falling apart at my age.  I'm no spring chicken, but I'm not "under" the hill so to speak.  I WAS reminded this week that about 10 years ago telling the devil to "take his best shot" and that he could not do anything to me that I couldn't handle, with God's help.  (ME AND MY BIG MOUTH.)  I don't know about God, but I'm tired of the devil hindering me.  


TODAY!  THIS VERY MOMENT!  I rebuke the devil and anything he has to "HEAP" on me.  I'm tired of letting him have his way in my life.  I will no longer accept "WHATEVER" happens to me and I will only make the right choices as God desires for my life.  I'm ready to fight back!


I WILL PRAISE HIM; I WILL PRAISE HIM. PRAISE THE LORD FOR SINNERS SLAIN
GIVE HIM GLORY ALL THE PEOPLE.  FOR HIS BLOOD WILL WASH AWAY EACH STAIN.


Our pastor is starting a study in Galatians.  Paul tells the people of Galatia (mostly Gentiles of converted Jews) that they are not "locked into" following the old laws to be followers of Christ - circumcision, killing a calf for our sins, or confessing their sins to another man.  We are free to live for Christ.


Why were laws given in the first place?  Laws are to show us how to exist; right and wrong; how to live in society.  If you don't BREAK the laws, they don't apply to you.  


When a certain relative of mine went to work for a local "large Orlando employer" he brought home about 20 books on the "correct look" for employees that work for that company.  I looked at them and said, "Man.  That's a lot of info to remember."  He said, "It's nothing I don't already do."  And, that's true. When we follow the mores of society, we don't break laws.  Even more importantly, when we follow the dictates of God we keep His laws, with the Holy Spirit's help, just as He meant for us to do.  

We need the rain.  Even if it is a messy, dreary day outside, inside my heart:


"THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HATH MADE; 
  LET US REJOICE AND BE GLAD!!!"

New Day

Breakfast with  Joseph, Kim, Brandon, and Mock.  I always enjoy those times. We have all worked together at one time or another - if not in research then at the call center.  Cindy forgot and Kathryn couldn't make it.  Sometimes others join us and it's an even bigger "good time."

Mock and Brandon both worked last night and they "HATE" mornings.  They are suggesting lunch time or even dinner.  I can relate.  In some ways working at night is harder.  It turns your whole schedule around; you sleep when everyone is awake, and work when everyone else sleeps.  It's hard to do anything but work and sleep.  It gets boring after a while.  Even when you have 2 days off, you still have to catch up on your sleep.  It's crazy.

Ween had a rough morning of sleeping, eating, and potty breaks.  Sometimes, she is just worn out by the end of the day.  She's sleeping now.

I think I'll play my "Lazy Day" song.  "Today, I don't feel like doing anything; I'm just wanna lay in my bed.  Don't feel like picking up my phone.  So leave a message at the tone.  Today I swear I'm not doing anything."

Ween started without me.

ME

Contemplation of my life has left me to believe that I am not doing all I can do to help others.  Right now I am physically and financially unable to do much of anything, so how can I help?  I can pray, encourage, hold their hand, hug, and genuinely be concerned.  


Writing this is to relieve some frustrations I have right now.  Physically, I hurt all over almost daily; breathing is hard, blood pressure is high, thyroid is not working again, easily bleeding which usually means my blood count is low and the white count is high.  MAYO has diagnosed some problems.  I still have some testing of my heart to determine why I am having irregular heart beats.


MS has been talked about.  Memory loss, all my symptoms previously mentioned, and a few other problems lead me to believe maybe they're right.  If they are, it's okay.  I just wish I knew for sure.


I'm sorry I couldn't be the wife for Bob he needed.  I'm sorry I haven't been the Mother that the boys have needed.  And, I'm sorry I haven't been as close to God as I need to be.  I'm just tired - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Oh God - hear my prayer.

Beautiful Surprises

Today has been an interesting day.  So far, I have received three neat presents from God.  To me, those are gifts I knew nothing about and "just happened" during the day. And yet, I'm reminded each time that they are from God.

One of my "bad habits" is to fold any paper money and just put it in my pocket. When I reach for something else in my pocket, I usually pull out the money. Most of the time, I see it and just put it back.  Today, as has happened before, I pulled out my phone to see the time.  After I had left the first Dr's, I reached in my pocket to see how much money I had to "possibly" buy a Starbucks, and the money wasn't there.  I almost had a heart attack.  That $30 is all I have until the 14th.  God help me.  What do I do?  Do I go back to the Dr's and ask if anyone had found it?  Do I just forget it and hope for the best?  Or, go back after I get my shots?  I went on to the Allergist.  When I got out of the car, "my little inside voice" told me to look under the seat.  It was there.  (Surprise 1)

On the way to the Allergist, I wasn't watching carefully enough and the car in front of me did not start up when the light changed, and I softly "rear-ended" the car. As we moved into an empty lot to the right of the street, I was praying very intensely.  I just really didn't need an accident right now.  The man got out of his car, looked at his bumper and said, "Looks like there's no damage. It's okay."  I apologized "profusely" and thanked him repeatedly, and got back into our cars and drove away. (Surprise 2)   (Angels working overtime today.)

My friend and "energetic example" Mary helped me clean out some boxes of "stuff" that had been in the 2nd bedroom since I moved to this complex.  In one of those boxes, a computer program entitled "Illumina" popped up and surprised me to pieces.  This was a program that I got when I worked for Family Christian the year before Tom died - about 11 years ago.  Technology has changed so much, I thought it probably wouldn't work with this new system I have now.  Guess what!  It works perfectly.  In fact, it may even work BETTER than it did then.

If you have never seen this program, I'm sorry.  One of my jobs at FC was to demo this program to people when they came into the store so that they could see how useful it is.  Duh.  That was a joy that I had while "working" during the day.

The program is one of the best references for the Bible I have ever seen.  I haven't updated it but I can only imagine how it has changed.  And yet, how much better can " THE MOST AWESOME PROGRAM" become?  This was God's third present today.

Not only did I get the room cleaned out, but I found so many neat things. Thanks to Mary!!! God is good; all the time.

FACEBOOK

Later today, I will be leaving the FACEBOOK website.  I have been made to realize that I spend far too much time on Facebook and not enough time doing what needs to be done with my life.  My email is sheila.stovall@gmail.com and of course, you will be able to keep up with what is going on in my life within this blog.

I liked using Facebook to communicate with people I had not heard from in an extremely long time.  I also liked working on the games.  I will miss that mode of communication.

Best wishes and prayers to all who transfer to this site.  Thank you for all your advice and prayers.

THE BIG THREE

Most of my life had been spent in a church that had nothing to offer but rules and regulations.  About 15 or so years ago I finally "GOT IT."  Being a Christian is about a relationship with God; not what I can memorize "NOT" to do, or what "TO" do.  I did not know then what was ahead for me and my life.

A lot of things have changed in those years.  The "BIG THREE" for me was and is - "Bible Study, Prayer, and Tithing."  I am ashamed to admit that lately I have been so wrapped up in my own "Scenarios" and dramas of every day life, that I've stopped doing all three.

Some time ago I realized "I'm not smart."  It's okay.  I can now admit it.  All of the "THINGS" that have happened to me during the last five years especially, are due to choices I have made.  Today I draw THE line - I am back in the game of communicating with my friend, Jesus, reading God's word DAILY, and giving God his "tenth" back.  I have made this choice.  And, I will follow as closely as I can.  

I can hardly wait to experience the new adventures.

Doctors-Love or Hate?

On one hand, I go to Doctors to find out what is wrong with me mostly "Physically."  Do I always want to hear what they have to say?  Not really, but I DO listen.  I've been to a heart specialist, lung specialist, Orthopedic, and testing in all areas.  I'm beginning to believe I am an overweight, aging, hypochondriac.  


I've come to this conclusion after all the Dr's, testing, and medicines.  Getting older, in my case, just isn't being much fun right now. I'm just trying to feel better and remember a few facts so I can get home when I'm out shopping. I don't think this is too much to ask.


Went to Mayo yesterday to get the shot for my back. I'm supposed to rest today, so I'm doing very little, which is not unusual.  I am in absolutely no pain. It is awesome, but Ween is not feeling well, and is running a fever.  I'm not sure what is going on, but she threw up yesterday and has barely moved today. She even refused her favorite, brown rice and chicken. In fact, I brought it into the bedroom for her, and she almost "nosed" it off the bed and then gaged at the smell.  (Been there; Done that)  If she is not better, I may call her vet and try to get her in later today.  


And, if that doesn't work, there's MAYO.