FL Dreamin'

Falling in love with Florida was easy.  It's beautiful here.  This is my favorite time of the year - 80s, breeze, sun and blue skies.  I've never wanted to live any where else since arriving in the early 1970s.  Lately though, I have felt I was swimming in "quicksand" in this lovely place.

I've been so fortunate in that I haven't really had to think about money.  I'm not rich. I never have been, but I guess the term "comfortable" comes to mind.  I thought my life changed so much when Tom died, and it did, but my lifestyle really didn't change.  I could travel, work or not work, do pretty much whatever I wanted to do.  For the first time, ever, that isn't true.  I feel that there isn't any thing or any way to turn, so I find myself almost paralyzed and definitely overwhelmed.

There are boxes everywhere, piles of paperwork that needs to be take care of and I can't seem to be able to make any progress in any area.  I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, a car that is in good shape, and of course, Wiener, my constant companion and confidant.  GOD HAS TO DO SOMETHING!  I know He is in control and that He is working.  I just need His blessing, NOW.

I don't "do nothing" well, and yet that's all I can seem to do.  Please let it stop.

Football Games

This weekend has been up and down emotionally, as far as sports is concerned.  The only thing better than watching a great game on TV, is to be there in person.  I would love to have been in JAX to see the FL/GA game. Once of the best games I have seen in a long time, bar none.  It was even better that FL won in overtime, 24-21.  (Lots of turnovers and action to behold)

On the other hand, my very most all-time favorite team, DALLAS COWBOYS, played worse than any middle school team I have ever seen, EVER!  Have mercy!  It was as if they decided to see how many mistakes they could make and still be standing when the game was over.  Dallas won the award for this year, maybe for the last 5 or so.  I doubt any other team would have even come close this weekend.

As the saying goes, "There's always next year" or is there?  There was talk among the announcers that neither the quarterback nor the coach would be back next year.  That remains to be seen but let's not forget the remainder of this year.  Will I stop watching Dallas?  No way.  They are my team, always.

How real do I want to be

Platitudes are aggravating and frustrating to me, especially when someone regurgitates the very advice that I already know, but choose to ignore.  I have long thought most of the information that I have "stored" in my ever decreasing memory is mostly "useless knowledge" except if I wanted to go on Jeopardy, or a similar situation.  And yet, I used the very same "wisdom" with someone else this week.

I awoke very early this am and was struck with the thought that I had thrown out a piece of advice for a friend as if I actually knew what I was saying.  Pompous isn't it? That I would actually have a solution for another person's problems is hubris at the very least, ignoring the person entirely.  Those of us who know things, tend to do this occasionally.  Why do I do this?

My "high school history teacher", Victor Asseff, once told me, "You will either grow up to be an advice columnist or a psychologist.  You like to dissect "why" for someone, go about delving into their lives, and then explaining the reason to them. Eureka.  I have the answer."  He called it some sort of syndrome.  I am older and supposedly wiser, yet I still have a penchant for doing exactly that. 

Why?  I really don't know.  I actually think I'm helping someone, at the time.  Even as the words "jump off the page" or come rolling out of my mouth, they sometimes sound ridiculous to me.    Will I never learn?  It is much easier to keep quiet, than to try to remove the foot from my mouth.  Either way, I'm always sorry.  I'm glad God forgives me even if the other person doesn't.  I AM getting better - at least I recognize that I have a problem now.

DATING OR WHAT?

Mostly out of curiosity, I went to dinner with Bob.  It was "interesting" and enjoyable.  I have never known Bob's agenda, but sometimes tried to figure it out.  If there was one, it wasn't evident to me.

We went to "Logan's Steakhouse" which is a restaurant close to Hunter's Creek, where I still live even after moving. We talked, we ate, and I had a nice time.  Julie asked me why I went.  Curiosity was certainly a big part of it, but since I am living on a tight budget, it WAS a free meal.

Interestingly enough, Bob had a hard time looking me straight in the eye.  I just now thought about this.  Prior experiences with him, usually meant he was not exactly "truthful" when he behaved like that.  Whatever it meant, God knows and He can deal with it.  I'm glad I don't have to any more.  I did offer to reciprocate in that I promised him a meal as a thank you.  We'll see.  (The saga continues.)

About my new apartment - I am living on a preserve-type area that has a lake. The trees are turning, as much as they can in Florida. (Picture is my backyard) The serenity is unbelievable.  I am in an isolated section-only 2 buildings, with a security gate across from my sliding glass door to my patio.  I have a 2/2.  It's smaller but I use the word "cozy" to identify my place now.


I have a roommate.  He works at Disney also, and I have known him about 3 years.  In fact, I was one of his trainers when we worked in Research.  He needed a place to stay.  I need the extra money, and Ween loves him.  He is "house and doggy sitting" for someone right now and works 40 hrs a week.  I don't see him a lot and he's quiet; it works, so far.


And, we have a visitor.  She visits two or three times a day, hungry. She has babies and needs the extra food for them.  She's skittish, which is okay with me.  It means she isn't rabid, just hungry.  Ween isn't fond of her, but she's beginning to relax a little when the raccoon arrives.

The interview hasn't produced a job, yet.  It was over on Friday.  There are 10 part-time positions available and I "SHOULD" have a good chance to be "rehired."  We'll see.

God's plan isn't totally clear yet, but I'm sure He will keep me and provide. He always does.

New Post

New Post; new apartment; new life.  I think a trend is beginning.  New is good.

Opening boxes is getting to be ridiculous. I didn't realize I had so many; about 60.  I'm down to the last 20; mostly books.  I am trying to weed through each box to see if I really need to keep every one.  Books are so much a part of me that I feel like I am getting rid of one of my children when I give them away.  I try to find good homes each time.

Interesting event - my husband just sent me a text and asked me to dinner.  I wonder why.  Does he miss me?  Does he still love me?  Or, has he decided to get a divorce.  Aw.  The mystery deepens.  I will be going about 5.  And, then the suspense will be over.

Ween is settling in.  We have a raccoon that comes to our back patio. She comes in the day time.  I'm guessing for probably one of two reasons - Her babies are driving her crazy or they are draining all her energy.  She comes hungry. I feed her old dog food that Ween wouldn't eat.  She eats and leaves until the next visit.

We live on a preserve with a scene that is framed by the sliding doors.  I look to the sky, blue and white mixtures; trees swaying in the light wind, and I feel serenity.  I am where I am supposed to be for now.

FRIENDS

If you've ever seen the Friends TV show, you can see how people can get close to each other, especially when they live together.  I have people who are dear to me, in real life.

One of those people is Vicki.  This woman has so many "irons in the fire," she could use a wife to take care of all the details.  And yet, she always stops her world and comes to rescue me from some other "Lucy/Ethel" project. Yesterday was such a time. Last week, I mentioned that I wanted to get a platform bed, but that they were very expensive.  Her 'wheels' started moving.

I showed her on HGTV the info concerning several beds that they had made. We talked, measured, talked some more,  looked on line, and she came up with a "drawing" that resembled some "Child Art" that needed to be on the refrigerator, not actually used.  It was awesome!

It was definitely a trial by error project. First stop-Home Deport.  An awesome man, Dante, was there to help us.  He made suggestions and gave us options. After selecting materials, loading it, and setting up at home, she was good to go. "Mock" also helped.  (He's the brawn of the group)  Four hours later, I have a bed.  (I used the mattress Charles had on his "loft" bed)  This woman is incredible.

There must be something totally wrong to have a bed made just to let "Wiener" have a place to sleep, on her level.  Can you say 'SPOILED.'

ROUGH WEEK

Life is funny sometimes.  It seems when one thing happens, it snowballs into several other things.  I broke two toes on my left food, my partial and a glass globe for one of my candle holders.  I also have several other things happening that I prefer not to list at this time.


You never know WHY things happen, but if God is really Lord of my life, then I must believe I am exactly where He wants me to be, no matter what happens.  He is always in control, just sometimes we can't see the "behind scenes" events until they unfold completely.  I am ready for that miracle and would really appreciate it soon.

Wiener is taking everything in her stride. She eats, poops, pees, and sleeps. She is not worried about anything; very trusting that everything will be okay. I am learning so much from her.

WHAT NOW?

Moving in doesn't necessarily mean everything is in it's place.  I've made a good start, with the help of friends and relatives, but one bedroom is full of boxes, so if I'm going to have a roommate, I HAVE TO get that stuff emptied out and find a place for it.

After that, what?  Am I going back to work?  Do I sit and twiddle my thumbs until ...?  I haven't the faintest idea.  My life has changed so much lately, I don't even recognize me.  (That might not be so bad?)  Whatever it is, I'm excited to find out what God has in mind.  He has a way of doing things totally different from anything I can imagine.  So, we'll see.

Ween is settling in.  I let her scatter her toys all over the apartment so she would feel at home.  Her blanket is on the floor, so she has access to it, and she knows where to find her bowls for food and water.  I put those in the laundry room.

I am still sleeping on an air mattress.  Haven't quite decided what to do about a bed.  Charles offered me his double bed that is in the loft and I might do that.  The bedroom isn't large enough for a queen.  I don't know.  Ween doesn't have enough room in a queen-sized bed.  How could she possible sleep in a double?  It certainly will be interesting looking at life from this position.  Ween has the right idea.

NEVER AGAIN

Saying "Never" is the kiss of death in that if I say it, I always regret it.  I usually end up eating those words.  In this case, I can safely say, "I'M NEVER MOVING AGAIN.  EVER!"  As if life isn't stressful enough, throw in 4 moves in 2 months, and you obviously must be mad.

My new apartment is nice, but smaller than the previous one, so needless to say, too much furniture is too much.  Having a "Kadzillion" boxes of books doesn't help any.  Where in the world did I get all of these?  My second bedroom is completely full.  What to do?  What to do?

Moving seems to be an event that I depend on friends and relatives to help with, when they can.  One relative, who I can't mention, will donate money to get someone else to help.  One son is in DC.  One working.  One who said, "You're moving?"  Julie and Vicki have helped me move so many times, I can't even count that high.

I've come to the conclusion, that if you want to know who your friends really are, tell them you're moving.  God willing, I will never have to say that again.

Alone or Lonely

By nature, I am a very social person.  Being by myself again, is "interesting" to say the least.  Ween and I are doing fine. She loves all the individual attention.

I had to leave O'town quite abruptly in that I did not have any place to stay with Wiener.  I went to a friends in KY.  It was a time of enlightenment and enjoyment.  Ween had a great time too.  Lots of belly scratches and rubs (Wiener, not me)

While I was on my "sabbatical", I readjusted my attention on God and my direction. I had missed that focus just by not making Him first in my agenda.

He woke me about 3am or 4am one morning while I was there, with the thought - "I have a place to stay.  I am paying rent on a two-bedroom apartment that I can live in now and it won't cost anything."  Duh!

To get out of my lease, I had to pay 3 months rent - August, Sept and October.  It never dawned on me that I could still live there.  God is good, isn't He? In fact, it's a lot cleaner than when I left.  My cleaning lady had cleaned the bathrooms and kitchen, and had the carpet cleaned while I was gone.  It cost something to have my furniture moved back in, but God will take care of that too.

Why should I be amazed when the God that made the Universe takes great care of me?  "I Can't Know."  I'm just soooo grateful.  (More exciting news to come).

Dr Seuss' Wisdom

One of my favorite books is "And To Think It Happened on Mulberry Street" by Dr Suess.  The boy "sees" (imagines) all sorts of fantastic things on his way home from school, and yet when he gets home his father shoots down his wonderful imaginations.  When you "run away from home", you meet all sorts of people and go all sorts of places.  So far, Ween and I are doing great, and it has been a great adventure.

God is such a great God.  He told me in Israel (1992) that He would take care of me, if I let Him.  I was "forced" to do just that this week.  Bob and I have separated and I have moved out of the apartment.  Big move for me, and yet I felt it was the thing to do.  It's a long story so I won't bore you with the details, suffice to say, I thought I didn't have any place to stay.  Charles could not take me in because of Wiener, and it's very hard to find a place to stay in Orlando when you are in an entirely different place geographically.  I gave it all to God, which I should always do and don't.

He woke me up "early" this morning with the realization that I have an apartment to live in.  I am not scheduled to leave there until Nov 1, so I can actually move back into the apartment when I return to Orlando and stay there until my one bedroom apartment is ready.  How simple!  And, He didn't reveal this to me until I spoke the words, "He has always taken care of me, and He will continue to do that."  He is so patient.  Why should I be amazed?  He loves me, unconditionally.  (Wiener is a lot like that).

WHO AM I

Theoretically, as a close relative would say, I am living in three different locations at this place and time.  Emotionally, I feel like "silly putty" being pulled in all directions.

Eight tenths out of the old apartment, one tenth in storage, and one tenth in with "The Relative" I can't mention.  He has his father's patience.  I'm not sure I could put up with me, especially right now.

So many regrets I can't list them all, but a few are:
.  Could I have done anything else?  One person I thought was a friend is believing lies told about me.  I don't have Wiener with me, at this time.  I've wasted so much time in doing "busy" things.  Where do I go from here? 

Who am I?  Identity has always been important with me.  Right now, I don't really have any.  I'm just me.  And, I guess when it comes right down to it, that's all I've ever had.

Disappointing Beach

Usually I rejuvenate at the beach.  This time is different.  I am ready to go home. WHY?  Maybe it's the fact that I am moving soon, and have so much to do. Maybe it's because I am restless.  I don't know exactly.  I just know I'm over this trip and I have 2 more days to go. Thinking back, I probably should have driven home and come back on Sunday. (shoulda, woulda, coulda)

Missing Wiener so much.  She is such an integral part of my life now, I don't relax when she isn't with me.  I worry about her.  She's so tiny and helpless, and I feel responsible.  I know Bob would never intentionally hurt her, but he ignores her sometimes and she is such an attention hound that I'm concerned.  She also doesn't understand why I'm not there.  I hate that part. (Silly huh)

The beach is not as enticing this time.  We have a beautiful room, great food, and a fun time with a new friend here.  I think maybe I'm being unrealistic. We're going to attend church here tomorrow for the first time.  That should be interesting.  I let SI choose the church.  We'll see.  A church is a church, right?

MAYO, Ketchup or Mustard

Decisions are hard for me.  Once I make them, then I feel relief, but I am a typical "Crab" sign when it comes to that area of life - I like to crawl in my shell, hide, regroup, and come back out to see if the "storm" has passed.  (That is something not everyone knows about me.)

I am told I have control issues, but I can't see it. (This still bothers me, as you can tell.)  I do "COP" to not wanting to accept one answer to each possibility, but if I truly had control of issues, I would definitely make better choices every time.  I would also make sure everything that happened would wind up being in my favor.  That is certainly NOT the case.  I do like "What ifs" in most issues.  Some people might see that as trying to control.  I see it as different possibilities.

Friends are so important to me.  I don't say it enough, but I am truly blessed with unbelievable friends.  Back to MAYO in JAX tomorrow.  My friend, SI, is going with me again.  She had emergency surgery a few weeks ago, so a week on the beach will certain benefit her healing.

I will see a neurologist, allergist, sleep specialist, and surgeon.  My continual weight gain is of "Grave" concern at this point.  Everything I do seems to only increase my weight, not decrease it.  This is not good!

On a happier note, I went to a concert with "a relative I can't mention" and some of his friends.  It was the "Encore" musical group at "WDW."  Although it was long, they are always a fantastic performance.  I don't know why, but I am always amazed at the talent that is present there.  This particular group performs each year and donates the proceeds to a non-profit group that benefits the area.  It changes each year.  This year the donation went to "Make a Wish Foundation."  This is a tremendous group that I do support as they accomplish the seemingly impossible for people throughout the world.  (If you have a chance to support it, please do so.)

As sleep seems to elude me, I guess I will start packing to leave tomorrow, which is already today, time wise.  Wiener sleeps on.  She has gotten used to these crazy hours we keep.  Amazing, huh?

Officially Official

Human nature being what it is, things happen.  We don't always like our choices that are available, but sometimes we have to make decisions based on what we know at the time.

Moving on the 18th of August is not my idea of a "fun" time.  As it stands, I will be moving in with Charles for a few months, and then get my own apartment.  I don't know what I'm going to do with Ween, as Charles doesn't want her in his apartment.  I need a sitter for a few weeks.  My things will go into storage until I can use them again.

Some time soon, I will also be going back to work at my old job, but part time only.  I not only need the distraction, but I miss the perks and the "love offering" I received every Thursday just for talking on the phone.  Right now, my work days are Sun/Monday/Thursday; 7:30-3:00.  (Subject to change at a moment's notice)

Feelings are fickle, but in many ways I am relieved for most of the pressure was from just making the decisions.  On the other hand, I am sad about the move.  I wish I didn't have to do it, but wishing doesn't make it so even though I live in Orlando where "Magic" abounds.  I will be back in JAX the 12th through 16th wrapping up some details of my other visits.  That will be a time of additional reflection and relaxation.  I can't wait to be on the beach again, and to spend more quiet time with God.

You just don't get it, do you?

Linner (combo of lunch and dinner) today with an old friend reminded me once again of what happens to each of us when we have decisions to make.

Her son-in-law decided about 5 weeks ago that he "needed to find himself." He doesn't think he wants to be married right now and he got married too young.  AND, he didn't know what was involved in being married. (quote/unquote)

That is all well and good, but what about their 4-year old daughter?  How do you explain these things to her when they don't even make sense to adults? So, my friend's daughter packed up and moved in with Mom and Dad.  What else could she do?

Mom and Dad  have a big 4-bedroom, 3-bath house w/pool.  There is a cleaning lady who not only cleans but also washes and irons the clothes; Mom cooks all the meals, and Mom and Dad do the dishes. Even as good as all that sounds, it doesn't make up for the fact that there is no husband for the wife; no father for the daughter; and, no one to live in that little house that they own.

The one thing that confuses me is that he doesn't understand why no one wants to include him in the "trips" to the beach, the 4th of July celebration, or the vacation plans for next month. He chose to leave the family and he doesn't understand why he's being left out of all the activities.  In other words, "He just doesn't get it."

Is there someone else in the picture?  I wouldn't be surprised.  That is usually the case when people want to "find" themselves.  Even if that is true, the bottom line still remains - You can't make someone else do what you want them to do; even if it is the best thing for them.  If that were possible, I would have made my husband take better care of himself so he wouldn't have died.

ONE MORE TIME

There is a real possibility that I will be working again pt time, back at my old position.  In fact, I've already had one supervisor tell me they would be glad to have me back.  This was before I even knew I was considered.  I've already been sent the days I'll be working, Sunday, Monday and Thursday. What is the hold up?  They don't do anything quickly.  If I am not re-employed by Friday, I lose all my seniority.  Not much chance of that; so be it.

I am looking forward to having some extra money again.  It's been tight these last few months, especially with having to make trips to JAX every other week or two, but I am right now "Pain Free."  Wahoo.  I also have energy again, and I guess I'm tired of staying home everyday and doing nothing.

I have worked since I was 17 years of age, and I believe I "think" and move better when I am employed.  I mean, come on, Ween can only look interested for a few weeks.  She is nodding off when I talk to her now.  It must be time to go back to work.  And, if I have to work, there isn't any better place with as many perks.  So, I guess I'll go back.

I can hardly wait to hear all those complaints again.  It will be like "magic" to my ears.

First Time

There is always a first time for everything, or so I'm told, and today I had a "FIRST" happen.  Two or three weeks ago I had a procedure done at Mayo to alleviate the pain I had been having in my legs, (my right one mostly). Today, I had a call from my surgeon's office, his charge nurse, to find out how I was doing since the procedure.

I must be the queen of surgeries - tonsils, appendix, C-sections, gallbladder, hysterectomy, 2 knee arthroscopic, and a rhinoplasty (I think that is all), but NEVER have I had a Dr or hospital call to see how I was doing after a procedure.

I have been so impressed with this hospital.  They are not only organized and do not waste my time with appointments that don't happen or are off schedule, they are also kind and extremely helpful with all the encounters I have had.  I can't say enough good things about this place.

I would advise anyone who is having medical problems and your doctors can't seem to focus on the real problem, just make an appointment and go there.  It is not only beneficial, but also rewarding and emotionally settling. They are the best place I have ever seen a doctor, nurse, or office staff. They should give lessons.

SMOOSH

Who invented the mammogram?  It had to have been a man - no women would inflict that torture on another woman.  Why do we suffer?  Why the pain?  Why is it necessary?  It saves lives!

I have a friend who has had 2 mastectomies. She is the same, outwardly, physically.  For the most part, she is the same emotionally.  What has she been through?  Only she can tell you that.  I have just seen a very brave person go through a personal hell, and survive.  Her husband is supportive and protective.  Their marriage goes on, much in the same way it has for the last 40 years.  Could I have been so brave?  I like to think so, but you never know how you will respond until you go through something.  She's a hero, but she'd be the first to deny it.  I am so proud of her.

My young friend, Mock, got out of the hospital today.  I picked him up and took him home.  He was all ready to do laundry and go back to work tomorrow.  I suggested he take another day off, and do laundry tomorrow, a little at a time.  He text me later and said after his shower, he decided to follow my advice.  He was wiped out.  (Sometimes I do know something).

The other Sheila is doing better.  She has worked her way up to liquids for meals, instead of the IVs, so she's progressing.  She probably won't be let loose until Thursday or Friday, so I offered to take her home.  She said she'd let me know if her husband couldn't take her.  We'll see.

Also heard from another friend, Cloe, that wants to do dinner on Thursday night.  Sheila in Clearwater, and Cloe in Tampa.  I think that would be easy to get to both friends on the same day.  I hope that works out.  I have great friends and I'm always excited to see them.

Ween's eyes are getting droopy and she needs to go to bed.  Since we sleep together, she wants to stay up until I get ready, but she's too sleepy.  I call her my "undercover dog" because she always burrows under the covers and sleeps until she get too hot, then she wiggles around and comes back out to her pillow and sleeps until she get too cold and then repeats the process again.  (She's gone for the evening).

It's late.  I'm all alone; typing and listening to tv at the same time.  Multi-tasking has always been one of my strong suits.  Where was I again; Oh yeah...

Earth, The Moon, or Mars?

For some unknown reason, Bob got the "wild" idea to go to NASA Sunday after he had worked all night.  Loving to drive, and he being a little tired, I drove to the space center.  


Beautiful day, clouds fluffy, and little or no traffic made it an easy drive to Cape Kennedy.  A few things have changed since I was last there.  The 3-4 hr bus ride is now broken up into 3 stops instead of being one continuous drive and only "viewing" different areas.  They have even added 2 or 3 new restaurants.  After the bus ride, Bob was pretty much wiped out, he was ready to go.  (short and sweet trip).

With the few pictures I did manage to take, they seemed to be fairly clear.  I enjoyed seeing the changes, but we really didn't see anything new.  I guess it's hard to conjure up new experiences once the idea has been introduced.  We did have a good lunch at Cracker Barrel.


(Picture of V A B or Vehicle Assembly Bulding)
Unfortunately, today I am a little achy and really need to take a day off.  I was going to see my friend, the other Sheila, who had to have emergency surgery Sat night, but I text to tell her how I felt and she agreed that I needed to rest.  Mock is also in the hospital; some sort of heart arrhythmia.  He expects to have a stress test before they will let him leave; probably some time tomorrow.  Some people.  They just couldn't stand me having all the medical attention.  Good luck and prayers to both.