At what point do you face reality and stop dreaming? I'm not sure, but I know there are so many things that I would change or do differently, if I had the chance.
I would, probably NOT have bought my 2010 white Mustang. I would have kept my 2004, red convertible.
I would exercise more. I actually started jogging when Tom and I separated. I had moved into a one-bedroom apartment that had several lakes with sidewalks round them. I decided that I would jog around the lake every morning, and I did, for six or eight months of the year that I lived there. When my lease was expiring, my dad was going into a nursing home, and my mother didn't want to live alone so I moved to Largo. I lived about an hour from school, but I like driving and it was "release" time for me, so I didn't mind.
I would try to be more understanding and patient especially with Tom and both of the boys. I didn't know how to be a wife and mother. In frustration and with lack of training, I didn't know what I wanted or how to relate. They deserved better. Tom was a gentle soul that would have blossomed with understanding and a loving person as his spouse. I didn't know HOW to love. He finally gave up trying after some years. Tommy was so much like me. In his frustration, he said and did things he didn't mean but didn't understand "HOW" to relate. Meeting Ty and learning to deal in certain situations has helped him so much. And Charles, how did he survive me to become such a special person? Fortunately, he inherited most of his father's traits. He is so much better with me than I was with my mother. I appreciate him more than I could ever explain.
I would work longer and be a better teacher. I would look for the best in everyone. I would forgive quicker. I would appreciate more. I would plant more flowers.
I can't go back and change the past. I can only go forward and reevaluate how I respond NOW. And, that's exactly what I intend to do.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Friday, July 15, 2016
TOOOOOO LONG
It's been a year since I have written on my blog. I quit Facebook for many reasons. It had become, in my opinion, too negative, too political and just a real "downer" to read. I just wanted to write and it had become a real chore. This venue, to me, is much easier and more relaxing.
I've traveled, exercised, taken care of the house, me, and Ween, but I've had to rest a lot more lately. Probably, my favorite trip was to NY. We went for Chloe's HS graduation. She is just the neatest person. I'm sure my brother is so proud of his family.
Walter is married to an awesome lady, Nannette. They have two sons - Nathan, married to Stacey, and Chris, who is not married.
Michelle, who is married to Tom, pastor a church in NY. They have 5 children - Chrissy, Tom, Emily, Charlie, and Chloe. Chrissy is married and has 3 children, Emily is engaged to Richard, but Tom, Charlie and Chloe are not married, and are working and in some form of schooling or training.
And, last but not least, Clarissa. Risa is not married and is a teacher in Kansas.
The whole family is talented, smart and fun to be with. I wish they lived closer so I could see them more often.
We are off to pick up my car from being serviced, and then on to dinner w Bret/Julie and girls. It's a busy time.
I've traveled, exercised, taken care of the house, me, and Ween, but I've had to rest a lot more lately. Probably, my favorite trip was to NY. We went for Chloe's HS graduation. She is just the neatest person. I'm sure my brother is so proud of his family.
Walter is married to an awesome lady, Nannette. They have two sons - Nathan, married to Stacey, and Chris, who is not married.
Michelle, who is married to Tom, pastor a church in NY. They have 5 children - Chrissy, Tom, Emily, Charlie, and Chloe. Chrissy is married and has 3 children, Emily is engaged to Richard, but Tom, Charlie and Chloe are not married, and are working and in some form of schooling or training.
And, last but not least, Clarissa. Risa is not married and is a teacher in Kansas.
The whole family is talented, smart and fun to be with. I wish they lived closer so I could see them more often.
We are off to pick up my car from being serviced, and then on to dinner w Bret/Julie and girls. It's a busy time.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
NEGLECTED
Neglected for so long, I decided to catch up with my postings. I HAVE Been Posting but on Facebook and not here.
I have been doing "DAILY" things - Cardiac Therapy, doctors, etc. and, life goes on. I had a lot of "old feelings" come flooding back to me recently. My next door neighbor's brother drown on Memorial Day.
Jorge, Nani's brother, was out in a boat with his father, adult cousin and two children, on Lake Toho.
Jorge was playing around, which was Jorge, and threw one of the kids into the lake. The kid was struggling a little, so Jorge jumped in and helped the kid back into the boat. The boat was drifting away from Jorge. His father looked back at Jorge and he was face down. They hurriedly turned the boat around, and Jorge was out of sight.
They found his body the next day, did an autopsy, and found no reason for his death except he drown. Forty-six is so young to die. And yet...
Charles got a call from a friend in Nashville. Their 12-year old son was in an accident. He had extensive brain damage, but was put on life support. Sunday they finally took him off the machines. His service is Wednesday and Charles is flying to Nashville tomorrow.
Within weeks, our lives have been "touched" by circumstances that no one could change. Two families devastated by loss. This is where I say, "God I don't understanmd your decisions in these GREAT loss. But I KNOW THAT I KNOW, THAT I KNOW You are still in control. And you love me. Help us to minister to each of these families in any way we can. We trust You!
I have been doing "DAILY" things - Cardiac Therapy, doctors, etc. and, life goes on. I had a lot of "old feelings" come flooding back to me recently. My next door neighbor's brother drown on Memorial Day.
Jorge, Nani's brother, was out in a boat with his father, adult cousin and two children, on Lake Toho.
Jorge was playing around, which was Jorge, and threw one of the kids into the lake. The kid was struggling a little, so Jorge jumped in and helped the kid back into the boat. The boat was drifting away from Jorge. His father looked back at Jorge and he was face down. They hurriedly turned the boat around, and Jorge was out of sight.
They found his body the next day, did an autopsy, and found no reason for his death except he drown. Forty-six is so young to die. And yet...
Charles got a call from a friend in Nashville. Their 12-year old son was in an accident. He had extensive brain damage, but was put on life support. Sunday they finally took him off the machines. His service is Wednesday and Charles is flying to Nashville tomorrow.
Within weeks, our lives have been "touched" by circumstances that no one could change. Two families devastated by loss. This is where I say, "God I don't understanmd your decisions in these GREAT loss. But I KNOW THAT I KNOW, THAT I KNOW You are still in control. And you love me. Help us to minister to each of these families in any way we can. We trust You!
Friday, March 13, 2015
SURPRISED
Anger is something I thought I had put behind me. I grew up so infused by anger. My parents, each for different reasons; my "friends" because they had so much more than me; and anyone else who happened to come into my life at the time. I didn't know it, but my mother was also a very angry person. We never talked about it, but it was evident in most everything she said or did.
When Tom died, I went through the many stages of grief, one of which was anger. Miraculously, God took away that anger and I really haven't had that problem for a long time. Oh don't get me wrong, I've been upset about things along the way but not the deep seated ANGER that I once had -- deep seated, temperature rising, shouting anger that I once felt.
We have had some "relatives" staying with us. Charles and Mock had gone out of their ways to get them into the parks for several days, so I suggested they spend Thursday night with us and not leave until Friday morning as they were tired and they wouldn't have to hurry and try to pack up Thursday after being at the parks for two days. They agreed, but the relative who they were to visit didn't like it that way and she "disregarded" their feelings and had them leave the parks early, missing a much "wanted to see" fireworks, Rush to our house, gather their things, pack up the car, and drive the hour and half to their home, in the darkest of dark places where they live, so that she could get what she wanted. She is selfish and manipulative. We have repeatedly helped them and she has shown little or no gratitude over the years.
I can't quite figure out why I'm so angry. Is it her actions of messing with MY plans? Is it a control issue or was I really trying to be helpful to the visitors? I don't know which, but I need to stay away from her for a while because I'm still angry and I've learned that if I am to NOT to get angrier or say things I shouldn't, I need some space.
I'm also very tired.. Not an excuse, just a reason. I spent several days with a friend who is very ill. I love her so much and in many ways we are closer than relatives. But, God is good. I'm sure He will help me to sort all of this and calm my spirit.
When Tom died, I went through the many stages of grief, one of which was anger. Miraculously, God took away that anger and I really haven't had that problem for a long time. Oh don't get me wrong, I've been upset about things along the way but not the deep seated ANGER that I once had -- deep seated, temperature rising, shouting anger that I once felt.
We have had some "relatives" staying with us. Charles and Mock had gone out of their ways to get them into the parks for several days, so I suggested they spend Thursday night with us and not leave until Friday morning as they were tired and they wouldn't have to hurry and try to pack up Thursday after being at the parks for two days. They agreed, but the relative who they were to visit didn't like it that way and she "disregarded" their feelings and had them leave the parks early, missing a much "wanted to see" fireworks, Rush to our house, gather their things, pack up the car, and drive the hour and half to their home, in the darkest of dark places where they live, so that she could get what she wanted. She is selfish and manipulative. We have repeatedly helped them and she has shown little or no gratitude over the years.
I can't quite figure out why I'm so angry. Is it her actions of messing with MY plans? Is it a control issue or was I really trying to be helpful to the visitors? I don't know which, but I need to stay away from her for a while because I'm still angry and I've learned that if I am to NOT to get angrier or say things I shouldn't, I need some space.
I'm also very tired.. Not an excuse, just a reason. I spent several days with a friend who is very ill. I love her so much and in many ways we are closer than relatives. But, God is good. I'm sure He will help me to sort all of this and calm my spirit.
Friday, January 02, 2015
JANUARY IS
From the first of November until the middle of February, there are many memories. As a child, we always had thanksgiving at our house - aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. There were about 30-50 people depending on who was married, how many kids were still at home, or who just got married. It was always a happy time except for the last one - that was when one aunt and uncle were divorcing, one aunt was pregnant and not married, and various sundry other "not so happy" thoughts. Unfortunately, that is the one I remember most.
From Thanksgiving we moved into Christmas, with the decorations, the parties, and the music. I have a hard time remembering many presents that were given during any Christmas time. I'm fairly certain we got presents, but the only present I remember was the time we moved into the last house I lived in as a child. My sister and I both got "transistor radios." I don't remember anything else. Susan's lasted a few days, as she took hers into the bathroom while she was taking her bath and of course, it fell into the tub water. Mine lasted longer because I hid it from her. When she finally found it, she also took mine into the bathroom with the same results. It wasn't any great loss because I didn't really want one. I pretended to be very angry with her.
I didn't realize when I got married, my husband HAD memories of the holidays he would have liked to have forgotten. His father had gifts, but they were usually gifts that sales reps had given him to let them display some sort of merchandise in his grocery store. If he didn't have anything he deemed "suitable," then he would buy Tom something, then make Tom work after school to reimburse him for the cost. We didn't really celebrate Christmas until after our son Tom was born (December 23)
We went to my parents for the holidays and to celebrate his first birthday. It took us 16 hrs to get back to North Carolina as it started snowing about 2 hrs after we left.
My parents were "GREAT" grandparents and always bought too much. Tom and I had lots of arguements over that issue. But then, I really didn't need much of a cause to fight. I had learned from the best. As I think back, Tom put up with a lot from me.
January 4 was Tom's birthday. There was always a music conference the first weekend of January. I used "my money" to buy Christmas presents and he used "his money" for the convention. Every year, when I would nag about him spending too much at the convention He would snap back that if I hadn't spent so much money on Christmas we would have had more money in January. Obviously not happy times for either of us.
My brother's birthday was January 31. Memories, again, were not the happiest of times. My brother left home to join the Marines at age 17. He and my dad were not on the best of terms, and mother always sided with my brother, of course. We still celebrated his birthday, even when he was gone. Or, at least we sent him presents and cards. And, coincidently (?) we always had a cake for dessert on that day.
My sister's birthday is February 4. I don't remember having any parties for her. We didn't really celebrate anyone's birthday except my mother's, which was April 4. If it wasn't celebrated "properly" as per my mothers expectations, she went SILENT. That wasn't altogether unpleasant except when she started talking again.
I guess this time of year was not exactly a happy time from my perspective except the Christmas after Tom and I were remarried. I came home on Wednesday before Thanksgiving sick with the flu. I always decorated for Christmas on that weekend. I had shopped on Monday so all the Thanksgiving food was ready to be prepared but the only thing I could do was "crawl" to the bathroom, which was about 6 feet from my bed. Unbeknown to me, Tom went to PUBLIX, bought a tree, brought it home, set it up, got the decorations out and "filled" the house with Christmas. It was truly a "labor of love." When I finally was able to get out of bed on Saturday, the house looked and smelled wonderful. From then on, we celebrated "Something" almost every week.
This year, I celebrated without him but always aware of the wonderful days we had and how truly blessed I am. I haven't given gifts much for the last few years, but this year I gave a donation to the Dachshund Rescue of South Florida in lieu of presents. They are staffed by volunteers (drs, nurses, therapists) and never refuse to help any animals. I just wanted to bless others. And you know, I think I received a bigger blessing by doing that.
From Thanksgiving we moved into Christmas, with the decorations, the parties, and the music. I have a hard time remembering many presents that were given during any Christmas time. I'm fairly certain we got presents, but the only present I remember was the time we moved into the last house I lived in as a child. My sister and I both got "transistor radios." I don't remember anything else. Susan's lasted a few days, as she took hers into the bathroom while she was taking her bath and of course, it fell into the tub water. Mine lasted longer because I hid it from her. When she finally found it, she also took mine into the bathroom with the same results. It wasn't any great loss because I didn't really want one. I pretended to be very angry with her.
I didn't realize when I got married, my husband HAD memories of the holidays he would have liked to have forgotten. His father had gifts, but they were usually gifts that sales reps had given him to let them display some sort of merchandise in his grocery store. If he didn't have anything he deemed "suitable," then he would buy Tom something, then make Tom work after school to reimburse him for the cost. We didn't really celebrate Christmas until after our son Tom was born (December 23)
We went to my parents for the holidays and to celebrate his first birthday. It took us 16 hrs to get back to North Carolina as it started snowing about 2 hrs after we left.
My parents were "GREAT" grandparents and always bought too much. Tom and I had lots of arguements over that issue. But then, I really didn't need much of a cause to fight. I had learned from the best. As I think back, Tom put up with a lot from me.
January 4 was Tom's birthday. There was always a music conference the first weekend of January. I used "my money" to buy Christmas presents and he used "his money" for the convention. Every year, when I would nag about him spending too much at the convention He would snap back that if I hadn't spent so much money on Christmas we would have had more money in January. Obviously not happy times for either of us.
My brother's birthday was January 31. Memories, again, were not the happiest of times. My brother left home to join the Marines at age 17. He and my dad were not on the best of terms, and mother always sided with my brother, of course. We still celebrated his birthday, even when he was gone. Or, at least we sent him presents and cards. And, coincidently (?) we always had a cake for dessert on that day.
My sister's birthday is February 4. I don't remember having any parties for her. We didn't really celebrate anyone's birthday except my mother's, which was April 4. If it wasn't celebrated "properly" as per my mothers expectations, she went SILENT. That wasn't altogether unpleasant except when she started talking again.
I guess this time of year was not exactly a happy time from my perspective except the Christmas after Tom and I were remarried. I came home on Wednesday before Thanksgiving sick with the flu. I always decorated for Christmas on that weekend. I had shopped on Monday so all the Thanksgiving food was ready to be prepared but the only thing I could do was "crawl" to the bathroom, which was about 6 feet from my bed. Unbeknown to me, Tom went to PUBLIX, bought a tree, brought it home, set it up, got the decorations out and "filled" the house with Christmas. It was truly a "labor of love." When I finally was able to get out of bed on Saturday, the house looked and smelled wonderful. From then on, we celebrated "Something" almost every week.
This year, I celebrated without him but always aware of the wonderful days we had and how truly blessed I am. I haven't given gifts much for the last few years, but this year I gave a donation to the Dachshund Rescue of South Florida in lieu of presents. They are staffed by volunteers (drs, nurses, therapists) and never refuse to help any animals. I just wanted to bless others. And you know, I think I received a bigger blessing by doing that.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
PERSPECTIVE
As the saying goes, "Perspective Is Everything." That is usually the case, especially for me today. For years, I have wanted to see Trans Siberian Orchestra's Christmas Program. THIS WAS MY YEAR TO GO.
I bought two tickets as soon as they went on sale. I have been so excited. It was to be MY present this year. It was like "waiting for Santa." Yesterday, I had even picked out what I was going to wear. It was all laid out. The tension was building and I hardly slept last night. When I did sleep, I dreamed about the performance. SHOULD I TAKE EAR PLUGS OR NOT? (I had heard it was extremely loud) and then I woke up.
Why my head decided to be dizzy today, I don't know. Or, was it my stomach deciding to be nauseated? I don't drink, but I was staggering to walk. My son got a pail, just in case I needed it.
I took my medication. (I have inner ear problems so vertigo occasionally is not unusual.) My son was to go shopping. He kept asking if he should stay home. There was really no reason for him to stay so I told him to go ahead. It would surely go away. He text while he was gone asking if I was okay. I assured him I was. I took some additional medication.
He got home around 1:00. There was still very little relief. I even ate some scrambled eggs thinking that might help. (I was happy they stayed down. It was "iffy" for a while.) We were to leave about 2:00, as the performance was at 3:00. There was little change. I still had trouble walking down the hallway. It was time to make a decision.
I was devastated. I had been so wrapped up in that performance that I had hardly thought about. anything else for weeks. And, now I couldn't even stand long enough to take a shower. I didn't even feel like taking one. "The Girls" came home Friday. They were part of "THE SHOPPING GROUP." I told my son to ask them if they wanted to go. They did. At least the tickets were not wasted.
So... What did I learn from this experience? God reminded me of how blessed I am - every single day of my life. I have a beautiful, warm home. Our refrigerator is full of food. My car has gas and is in fairly good condition. And, I have friends and family that love me ANYWAY. As Rich used to say, "IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS" this just isn't that important. (There is still a small part of me that wants to have a SMALL pity party. But, thank The Lord, it doesn't last very long any more.)
I bought two tickets as soon as they went on sale. I have been so excited. It was to be MY present this year. It was like "waiting for Santa." Yesterday, I had even picked out what I was going to wear. It was all laid out. The tension was building and I hardly slept last night. When I did sleep, I dreamed about the performance. SHOULD I TAKE EAR PLUGS OR NOT? (I had heard it was extremely loud) and then I woke up.
Why my head decided to be dizzy today, I don't know. Or, was it my stomach deciding to be nauseated? I don't drink, but I was staggering to walk. My son got a pail, just in case I needed it.
I took my medication. (I have inner ear problems so vertigo occasionally is not unusual.) My son was to go shopping. He kept asking if he should stay home. There was really no reason for him to stay so I told him to go ahead. It would surely go away. He text while he was gone asking if I was okay. I assured him I was. I took some additional medication.
He got home around 1:00. There was still very little relief. I even ate some scrambled eggs thinking that might help. (I was happy they stayed down. It was "iffy" for a while.) We were to leave about 2:00, as the performance was at 3:00. There was little change. I still had trouble walking down the hallway. It was time to make a decision.
I was devastated. I had been so wrapped up in that performance that I had hardly thought about. anything else for weeks. And, now I couldn't even stand long enough to take a shower. I didn't even feel like taking one. "The Girls" came home Friday. They were part of "THE SHOPPING GROUP." I told my son to ask them if they wanted to go. They did. At least the tickets were not wasted.
So... What did I learn from this experience? God reminded me of how blessed I am - every single day of my life. I have a beautiful, warm home. Our refrigerator is full of food. My car has gas and is in fairly good condition. And, I have friends and family that love me ANYWAY. As Rich used to say, "IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS" this just isn't that important. (There is still a small part of me that wants to have a SMALL pity party. But, thank The Lord, it doesn't last very long any more.)
Friday, November 28, 2014
BEING THANKFUL
My sister, whom I lovingly call the Blog Gestapo, has once again REMINDED me that it has been a VERRRRY long time since I've posted any information in this area. It's not that I don't want to blog, and it's not that nothing is happening. It's partially laziness, and partially due to the fact that I use Facebook too much.
Let's see, where to start -- I just spent an awesome day with The Brandons, Julie, Bret and Jamie, and of course my precious son, and other friends, old and new. I can't count how many years we've been welcomed into their home for Thanksgiving. They are a gracious, loving family that have enough food to feed a third world country, enough space to sit comfortably 100 people, and more than enough hospitality to make everyone feel at home. I'm thankful just to know them.
I'm thankful for better health this year. Other than some pain in my back, I've been able to spend most days "out of bed," which in itself is a miracle. Every day I'm feeling better physically. I've lost 42 lbs, found some old clothes I can wear again, and able to buy a couple sweaters 4 sizes smaller than I used to wear. WAHOO!
I went to my Cardiologist Tuesday. He wants to run a couple tests (EKG and Stress Test) partially because I haven't had them for over a year, I've had a few a few pains in my chest, and there were a few "blips" on my last pacer check. Until those tests are done they won't let me do Cardiac Rehab exercises. The tests can't be done until Dec 19, so I'm "temporarily" NOT systematically exercising, but I'm trying to do more "movement" exercising by walking.
We're having our family dinner today. Julie is cooking and bringing the food here. She is an awesome cook, so I know it will be every bit as good as yesterday. Afterward we are going to STUDIOS to see the Osborn lights. They are awesome. Jamie has never see them and they are spectacular, so that will be a wonderful outward ending to an inward grateful heart.
I was thinking night before last, as I went to sleep, how blessed I am. God has been so merciful to me that I can't even "BEGIN" to express my thankfulness. I have asked Him to let me bless others to the extent to which He has blessed me. I don't know what He has in mind, but I'm excited to find out. As I sit here in my warm house, in my warm clothes, with my "baby" on my lap, I am a "Happy Camper" with gratitude in my heart. God is good, all the time.
Let's see, where to start -- I just spent an awesome day with The Brandons, Julie, Bret and Jamie, and of course my precious son, and other friends, old and new. I can't count how many years we've been welcomed into their home for Thanksgiving. They are a gracious, loving family that have enough food to feed a third world country, enough space to sit comfortably 100 people, and more than enough hospitality to make everyone feel at home. I'm thankful just to know them.
I'm thankful for better health this year. Other than some pain in my back, I've been able to spend most days "out of bed," which in itself is a miracle. Every day I'm feeling better physically. I've lost 42 lbs, found some old clothes I can wear again, and able to buy a couple sweaters 4 sizes smaller than I used to wear. WAHOO!
I went to my Cardiologist Tuesday. He wants to run a couple tests (EKG and Stress Test) partially because I haven't had them for over a year, I've had a few a few pains in my chest, and there were a few "blips" on my last pacer check. Until those tests are done they won't let me do Cardiac Rehab exercises. The tests can't be done until Dec 19, so I'm "temporarily" NOT systematically exercising, but I'm trying to do more "movement" exercising by walking.
We're having our family dinner today. Julie is cooking and bringing the food here. She is an awesome cook, so I know it will be every bit as good as yesterday. Afterward we are going to STUDIOS to see the Osborn lights. They are awesome. Jamie has never see them and they are spectacular, so that will be a wonderful outward ending to an inward grateful heart.
I was thinking night before last, as I went to sleep, how blessed I am. God has been so merciful to me that I can't even "BEGIN" to express my thankfulness. I have asked Him to let me bless others to the extent to which He has blessed me. I don't know what He has in mind, but I'm excited to find out. As I sit here in my warm house, in my warm clothes, with my "baby" on my lap, I am a "Happy Camper" with gratitude in my heart. God is good, all the time.
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